Jurassic Park 4: Freakin’ Dinosaurs with Freakin’ Laser Beams

The pitch meeting goes something like this:

First Guy: How about we strap guns to the dinosaurs heads like in that 80’s cartoon DinoRiders!
Studio Exec. Guy: I love it! Get this man a solid gold prostitute!

Lesson 1: You stupid motherfuckers. Stop reanimating dinosaurs. It always leads to disaster.

After seeing Jurassic Park in middle school, I fully believed in that dinosaurs could be be reborn by having rain forest frogs hump mosquito DNA in a petri dish. But even at that tender age I assumed that the only reason no one was running out to collect frogs and mosquito blood and some Barry White CD’s was that once they succeeded all of their friends and family would get eaten.

Kindly refer back to Lesson 1. That’s the only lesson of that movie. That and to reinforce that when Samuel L. Jackson is NOT the star of the movie he WILL be killed by a dinosaur or a mutant shark or a by a Sith Lord. He will not survive to regale you with tales of how he narrowly escaped the dinosaurs and sharks and such. Wasn’t he in Sphere too?

Anyway, the point is after your Dino-speriments go all haywire and eat everybody on your island once, don’t keep putting them on an island and expecting positive results.

The Lost Word: Jurassic Park (0r JP2 ) started the downward trend for this franchise. Honestly. the Jurassic Park Sega Genesis game was 100 times better than this movie (you could play as the raptor!).

Jurassic Park 3: Raptors develop language. The language of love. And only William H. Macey can teach them to conjugate those verbs… I’ev got nothing… nevermind.

As for the comic, why didn’t I go with DinoRiders? Too obvious. Too easy. Plus Dinosaucers was a much better cartoon with a far superior theme song. You want a perfect scenario? You, your sister and your two teenage douchebag friends are hanging out on a mountain somewhere (probably getting high) and fucking dinosaurs from outer space land in a space ship, deputize you in their secret war, give you magic rings, rad letterman jackets AND hover bikes. Fuck Captain Planet. This is the team I want to join.

Josh Reviews Transformers: The (other) Movie

Joel: was that [the transformers movie] any good
Josh: yes
Josh: and by yes, i mean no
Joel: are the robots in disguise?
Josh: the movie is entertaining enough while you are watching it
Josh: and then as soon as it’s over you realize you hated it
Joel: most movies are that way
Josh: most movies i hate while i’m watching it
Josh: this movie was fun and exciting and when it was over i realized it was the most shallow thing i had ever seen on film
Josh: by several orders of magnitude
Josh: the movie is fucking schizofrenic
Josh: it doesn’t know if it wants to be serious or tongue-in-cheek
Josh: any humor not involving Shia leBouf is dreadful. Extremely cringe inducing
Joel: youve sold me
Josh: the robot designs make no sense in motion
Josh: when 2 of them are fighting you can’t tell what’s going on at all
Josh: you barely get their names. most of them never talk, and the ones that do are fucking annoying
Josh: except for Optimus
Josh: Bumblebee was pretty cool but still manages a bit of inappropriateness
Joel: robot cock?
Josh: yes
Josh: robot cock
Josh: i’m not kidding
Joel: i’ll take two
Josh: bumblebee throws an oil filter and pisses oil all over a guy
Josh: from his crotch
Josh: there’s an awful long scene about masturbation
Joel: Unicron Masturbation?
Josh: no
Josh: shia lebouf masturbation
Josh: and the awkard parental accusation thereof
Joel: “You’ve got the TOUCH!”

You’ve got the touch. You’ve got the power.

I asked Josh what he thought of the Transformers movie. He said, “Holy shit! It’s one of my top 10 favorites! The final battle with Unicron was fucking life changing. I mean c’mon. Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar!? Fuck Yeah!”

“No, the new one. The Michael Bay one.”

His verbatim response is chronicled in the adjacent panels. Also, the gear-mangled, chewed-up remains of one Mr. Lebeouf is a far less desirable prize to keep in one’s chest than the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.

I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I hear an Xbox-ticon rapes some dude’s face off. So there’s that.

This comic was originally going to feature Spike (of Spike and Sparkplug fame). Perhaps you need to read up on the Witwicky family. Child protective services should have removed Spike from that household. Not only was he a teenager forced to work on an oil refinery platform, but he was encouraged to spend his free time embroiled in a cybernetic civil war for galactic conquest. They eventually gave him a job on the moon. I shit thee not. The moon.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Wit’s End

For those of you playing the Hijinks Ensue home game (score cards available at Kroger with any purchase of a 20 oz. soda or can of Pringles) thats (2) comics about pirates and (2) mentions of forced sexual intercourse between bears and men.

The first Pirates was pure movie-going fun. It was a simple story (thank god Disney didn’t make a movie about the Tea Cups) but visually enriched, jaunting in its pace, and action-packed (the movie was literally PACKED with various actions). The sequel was equally enjoyable and achieved things with Octopus-face technology previously thought possible only in maritime nightmares. The threequel, however, was really just the REST of the 2nd movie. I get it. I took the red pill. I know what the Matrix is, Cowboy Curtis. And much like the Matrix 3pete, the 3rd one was a turd.

The movie stretches itself thin while struggling to retcon a bunch a bullshit about Pirates of the world sharing a common bond and noble way of life (in the same way modern day murderers and rapists will give each other a knowing wink and nod when they pass in the grocery store). Then theres a 20 minute segment with Witty Jack in Pirate Purgatory. As it turns out, Hell is other pirates. Specifically other Jack Sparrows. Jack is damned for what seemed like an eternity to captain the Black Rock Pearl on an ocean of desert salt crewed entirely by copies of himself. Johnny Depp with 40 other Johnny Depps. You know he’d hit that. Unwashed dopple-johnny (depp-ganger?) orgies would abound.

I was hoping the Keith Richards’ cameo would provide some much needed entertainment value. His performance wasn’t just sublime, it was subliminal. Blink and you’d miss it. Oh and just in case you don’t understand that Keith is a musician of sorts, he holds a guitar in his scene to clarify things.

3 hours and $25 (Buncha-Crunch be expensive, yo) later a Jamaican lady grew 200 feet tall and I went home.

A soul as black as eyeliner

I saw Spider-Man 3 on opening weekend. It has since made god-caliber moneys. Somewhere in the neighborhood of a gabillion-fillion if I’m not mistaken. The effects were more believable than the previous two. The CG Peter was less “burley brawl” this time around. That being said, the movie as a whole left me empty, or possibly hungry. The performances were stalled and uninteresting, and the story served only to facilitate the gaps between aerial battles (fun to watch though they were). I took great pleasure in the fact that the shift from “Sweet Lovable Hero Peter” to “Gropey Horny Asshole Peter” was illustrated with a determined downward drag of the comb.

As I expected, they got Venom all wrong (casting and execution). If I had to pick a “That 70’s show” alumnus to play Eddie Brock, it would have been Kurtwood Smith. Also, I don’t remember Harry Osbourne’s Green Goblin being a character from SSX Tricky. They should have made him the dude from Excite Bike. He’d spend the whole movie creating a custom track, only to find that after hours of work it was impossible to ride due to the overuse of ramps.

Update 5/17/07

Apparently Rolling Stone and 25% of Fall Out Boy agree with my assessment.