Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Wit’s End

For those of you playing the Hijinks Ensue home game (score cards available at Kroger with any purchase of a 20 oz. soda or can of Pringles) thats (2) comics about pirates and (2) mentions of forced sexual intercourse between bears and men.

The first Pirates was pure movie-going fun. It was a simple story (thank god Disney didn’t make a movie about the Tea Cups) but visually enriched, jaunting in its pace, and action-packed (the movie was literally PACKED with various actions). The sequel was equally enjoyable and achieved things with Octopus-face technology previously thought possible only in maritime nightmares. The threequel, however, was really just the REST of the 2nd movie. I get it. I took the red pill. I know what the Matrix is, Cowboy Curtis. And much like the Matrix 3pete, the 3rd one was a turd.

The movie stretches itself thin while struggling to retcon a bunch a bullshit about Pirates of the world sharing a common bond and noble way of life (in the same way modern day murderers and rapists will give each other a knowing wink and nod when they pass in the grocery store). Then theres a 20 minute segment with Witty Jack in Pirate Purgatory. As it turns out, Hell is other pirates. Specifically other Jack Sparrows. Jack is damned for what seemed like an eternity to captain the Black Rock Pearl on an ocean of desert salt crewed entirely by copies of himself. Johnny Depp with 40 other Johnny Depps. You know he’d hit that. Unwashed dopple-johnny (depp-ganger?) orgies would abound.

I was hoping the Keith Richards’ cameo would provide some much needed entertainment value. His performance wasn’t just sublime, it was subliminal. Blink and you’d miss it. Oh and just in case you don’t understand that Keith is a musician of sorts, he holds a guitar in his scene to clarify things.

3 hours and $25 (Buncha-Crunch be expensive, yo) later a Jamaican lady grew 200 feet tall and I went home.

A soul as black as eyeliner

I saw Spider-Man 3 on opening weekend. It has since made god-caliber moneys. Somewhere in the neighborhood of a gabillion-fillion if I’m not mistaken. The effects were more believable than the previous two. The CG Peter was less “burley brawl” this time around. That being said, the movie as a whole left me empty, or possibly hungry. The performances were stalled and uninteresting, and the story served only to facilitate the gaps between aerial battles (fun to watch though they were). I took great pleasure in the fact that the shift from “Sweet Lovable Hero Peter” to “Gropey Horny Asshole Peter” was illustrated with a determined downward drag of the comb.

As I expected, they got Venom all wrong (casting and execution). If I had to pick a “That 70’s show” alumnus to play Eddie Brock, it would have been Kurtwood Smith. Also, I don’t remember Harry Osbourne’s Green Goblin being a character from SSX Tricky. They should have made him the dude from Excite Bike. He’d spend the whole movie creating a custom track, only to find that after hours of work it was impossible to ride due to the overuse of ramps.

Update 5/17/07

Apparently Rolling Stone and 25% of Fall Out Boy agree with my assessment.