The WarranTards!

Microsoft once again has their alchemists hard at work trying to decipher the formula for “Apple Cool” and distill it into a easily replicable process. Let’s look at their last 3 “cool” efforts:

Windows “Mojave”: “Hey! Did you hear how shitty Vista was? You did? Well check this out! You like it? Oh really? THIS IS VISTA YOU IDIOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHFUCKYOU!”

Gates and Seinfelddoing things: “Hey, you’re Bill Gates.” “Hey, you’re Jerry Feingold.” “It’s Seinfeld… You wanna buy some expensive shoes?” “Sure” (together)”VISTA!”

Now take out the part where they say “Vista.” That’s the campaign. They aren’t selling anything but confusion.

Microsoft Gurus: Well this hasn’t really started yet, but I assume it will go something like, “I want to buy a PC.” “Great! You know it has Windows Vista. Let me extoll the virtues of Vista to you… the Visturtues, if you will.” “Yeah, that’s cool… I’m going to buy a Mac. You guys sell those too right?

Now, I realize this comic isn’t actually about MS Gurus, but it did give me an opportunity to show you Best Buy through my eyes. I went with Josh to buy a camera at Best Buy a while back and they were seriously trying to sell him a replacement plan that didn’t cover anything beyond the manufacturers warranty. When I pointed that out the WarranTard in question died a little inside and finished ringing us up.

DON’T FORGET!!! PODCAST CASTCAST TONIGHT!!!

(INFO HERE)

MACaveli

Alternate Title: “Bob has bitch tats

The Zune Guy has asked Microsoft for permission to change his name to “Microsoft Zune.” I hope they respond by murdering him with tanks.I know it’s a little late in the game to be hating on the Zune (and a little too easy), but this douchepipe is somehow excited enough about a second rate music player with a patronizing and pathetic marketing campaign that he forever ruined his flesh and is attempting to do the same with his name.

The Zune is the “me too” of the iPod generation. If you have one and love it, great. Hold on to that feeling. It’s not the player I hate. It’s the manufactured cool that they so desperately tried to perfect. M$ tries to force cool with indie kids in the ads, and slogans like “welcome to the social.” Welcome indeed. Seeing people buy the Zune when it first came out and desperately try and find this “social” they had heard so much about reminded me of when I was 9 and I got a Laser Tag set for X-Mas. Only I was the only kid with Laser Tag that I knew and it only came with one gun. So imagine 9 year old me sitting on the floor, weeping and shooting myself in the chest with a Laser Tag gun. “The Social” is exactly that pathetic. More so, since I eventually got a Laser Tag Robot (not kidding at all) that shot back at me. “Here, kid. Have a robot instead of a friend.” Sounds bad, but there’s certainly no Zune robot that lets you trade music with it via wifi when none of your real friends have Zunes. If there was, I’m sure it would be a nice shade of turd brown.

The iPod’s at the time were white and black. White like the smiling face of angels and black like the glassy ocean at midnight. The Zune is the color of your dinner when you see it for the second time. Maybe that’s it. They wanted it to be familiar. Like shit. Everyone shits, so everyone will identify with it.  WELCOME TO THE FECAL!

UPDATE (from the comments)

As a device I have NO problem with the Zune. Its the artificial “social” aspect of it that MS tried to force. Apple puts the iPod out there and lets the users make it cool (even if that was their gimmick all along, it was subtle). MS is like, “here’s our MP3 Player, also it makes you cool and have friends and everyone wants one and you should have Zune clubs and make out parties!”

You know MS executives sit around conference tables trying to figure out the formula for “hip.” So far they haven’t cracked the code.

Self Righteous in Diggnation

I was listening to Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht debate the merits of Microsoft’s new “Surface” technology on Diggnation’s 100th Vidcast (or Tube-Cast, or Pod-Pod or Robotron-Talkie). Needless to say Kevin wasn’t having any of this noise in HIS house (who’s house? Run’s house). No matter that the Surface offers everything a geek would ever want from a piece of technology shy of a reacharound and a shoulder to cry on afterwards, Kevin couldn’t be swayed.

If Bill Gates cured gonorrhea, Kevin would rather watch his dick turn black and fall off than except the cure’s EULA.

Remember when Kevin Rose used to shine heatsinks, and benchmark RAM for Leo Laporte on The Screen Savers (I had flying toasters and bad dog)? Now he has a 60 million dollar company. I guess that’s cool. If you’re into millions of dollars and dating web-porn stars. I guess.

PS

Josh actually indulges in the particular form of disgusting illustrated above quite often. Mmmm, fake cheese powder, corn chips and peanut butter. Just like no sane person ever used to make.