Earth’s Most Magnetic Heroes

Wow, we haven’t seen the Evil Fox Executive in a LONG time. I know Fox doesn’t have anything to do with The Avengers, but who else could be behind such a nefarious plot besides Joss Whedon’s oldest nemesis? Who else would want to take something good and geeky and pure like The Avengers and turn it into a commercial for fucking bullshit “magic” magnetic bracelets?

The Doctor Is In T-Shirt, Funny Doctor Who Parody Shirt, Charlie Brown, Sci-Fi

I’ve shared my thoughts on the carnival scam that is Magnetic/Hologram/Power Bracelets in the past. Let’s just say I am not in favor of them as those who sell them prey on the uninformed with parlor tricks and chicanery. In exchange for a bit of misplaced blind faith and $25 – $50 each mark gets the promise of a no effort, no side effect miracle cure for basically everything and the only convincing they require is a bit of slight of hand and some extremely vague technobabble. I seriously want to rage-flip the kiosks selling these things every time I see them in the mall.

So why am I upset about them again? Apparently there is a subplot in The Avengers that involves Tony getting a set of magnet bracelets as a gift which inspires him to make a new suit of armor (possibly his current nano-tech/neural interface armor). This would be innocuous enough (you can see him putting them on when he confronts Loki), except that Marvel and Paramount are actually shilling for a real $200 bullshit magnet bracelet that you can actually buy if you are A) the stupidest dummy in the world B) suffer from the fictional condition known as improperly polarized blood and C) do not understand that $200 is a lot of money which can be spent on things that are not fucking bullshit.

I uncovered this dastardly plot when watching a 7 minute prequel motion comic concerning all of the movie incarnations of Iron Man’s armor. I felt like such a fucking asshole when, during the last 30 seconds, I realized the entire thing was a set up for an ad for the bracelets. Motion comic’d Tony, upon receiving the gift, actually says “Don’t I see a lot of professional golfers and athletes wearing these?” to which Pepper replies, “They are considered a medical assistive device in China.” You know what Ms. Pots? So is ground up tiger dick! How dare they interject this fucking anti-science horsefuck into the biggest geek movie of the year?! They might as well have The Hulk raving about those Japanese foot pads that suck all the negative energy out of your body “just like the roots of a tree” because people are essentially trees and Hulks are essentially idiots. Fuck this noise. I wanted to love everything about this movie. I bet Cap keeps his 80 year old abs in such great shape wearing one of those belts that electrocutes your fat until it magically turns into an 8-pack. Just 4 easy payments of GO FUCK YOURSELF and you to can possess the abdominal excellence of a super soldier!

COMMENTERS: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! Am I overreacting or not reacting overly enough? Is it possible this whole thing is just a silly plot point that I have somehow self-trolled? If so, then whey is there a REAL tie in magic magnet bracelet for sale that claims to have wondrous health benefits? This isn’t just some over priced limited edition movie prop. These jackoffs actually claim “voodoo blood magicks” will occur when you wear their jewelry. Tell me I’m not crazy.

¿Terra? No Va

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

“¿Terra? No Va” translates to “Terra? Doesn’t Go.” As in, “With such a great premise Terra Nova could go SO MANY AMAZING PLACES, but choses not to.”

I have written at least four pages of stream of consciousness, black and white notebooks from Se7en-style commentary on how I would fix Terra Nova. I am going to try to arrange it into a coherent, readable, non-manifesto format and post it here for your perusal. The bottom line is Terra Nova is a FANTASTIC concept with loads of potential that the writers and producers of the show seem hell bent on completely ignoring. I have several holiday-time, family-style obligations keeping me from organizing my mad ramblings now (plus I’ve been awake for 2ish days and the voices are starting to make some really good points), so check back over the weekend and hopefully I will have completed my transformation into a great and terrible red dragon… posted my thoughts on how to fix Terra Nova.

UPDATE: I have resurrected my TUMBLR and posted my Terra Nova rant all in one fell swoop.

COMMENTERS: Who else could save Terra Nova and how would they do it? How would you save it (which specific issues would you address)? Do you think it doesn’t need saving? That is certainly an opinion one could have… IF THEY WERE A SIXER SPIE! Of course there is no actual punishment in Terra Nova for being a Sixer spie, so… carry on I guess.

[thanks to @doctoravenue, @robgonzo and @dotcomaphobe for the title to today’s comic]

It being holiday-type times and all, I thought I would mention that I have an Amazon wish list. It mostly consists of Blu-Rays right now, since I finally got a Blu-Ray player (mostly to more conveniently stream Netflix). So there’s that if you are interested. If you’d like to send a card or anything else for that matter, the mailing address is on the contact page.

So Much Ado, So Little Time

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt for you! No, really. Specifically FOR YOU.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts,  nerdy shirts

[For the confusified…]

The man is a machine! And not the “rise up and destroy humanity” kind. He’s more the “I’m making the biggest super hero movie of all time, but I’ve got a weekend off so I guess I gather up all my geek actor friends and make a different movie” kind of machine. I’m not sure of which type I should be more afraid. I mean, as long as Joss Whedon has positive outlets in which to channel his remarkable drive and creativity, I think we’re more or less safe. But what if we have another writers’ strike or some kind of worldwide moratorium on filmed geekiness? What then? I’m talking doomsday devices, cyborg armies, skyscraper-sized monitors barking quipy dialog and cardigans… CARDIGANS FOR ALL! Can the humanity survive a ginger despot with endless supplies of both imagination and ambition? You know how he likes to kill off characters.

COMMENTERS: Whedon came up with the Buffy musical because he and the cast would sit around and play songs and have sing alongs. He made “Much Ado” because he would host impromptu Shakespeare readings at his home. What other “me and my buddies” hangin’ out activity do you think Joss should make a movie about next? Backyard BBQ with Neil Patrick Harris (OMGWTFBBQNPH)? Alternately, what other public domain work would you like to see Whedon adapt?

Fancy Bastards Assemble!

FANCY BASTARDS ASSEMBLE! Here’s your chance to help me do something very special for my family and in return get something very special of your own.

SHORT VERSION: For $35 you (and 99 other Fancy Bastards) will get the “Fancy Bastards Assemble!” 11″x 17″ print, plus an additional signed, large sized 11″x 17″ print of your choice (“The Doctor Is In,” “Winter Is Coming” or “Yatta Bub!”). For $55 you can get all 4 prints! As I get closer to the goal I will reveal more of the characters on the limited print HERE ON THIS PAGE.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER! [SOLD OUT]

LONG VERSION: Being self employed has many rewards: no set hours, no boss, no commute, but it also has its drawbacks: no healthcare, no steady paycheck and NO VACATION! With your help I aim to do something about that last one. My wife and I haven’t been on a real, adult vacation since our honeymoon 7 years ago. We have set a goal of joining the Sea Monkeys of JoCo Cruise Crazy 2. Unfortunately this is AN INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE GOAL. We need to raise $3500 for the trip. To that end, I have created a limited (to only 100), signed and numbered print featuring the HE cast as a familiar super hero team.

EXPANDED VERSION: At least a dozen of my friends, and a dozen more people I greatly admire and would like to become friends with are going on this cruise. Last year they had such an amazing time THEY ALL STILL TALK ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY. I want to share in this communal geek experience at sea, and I want to share it with my family. If you can help me achieve this goal I will (continue to) be eternally grateful. Plus you get a some fancy wall art out of the deal. Everyone wins.

UPDATE 10/26/11: HOLY EFFING ESS OUT MY AYY! 60/100 Print packs are already gone! I thought this was going to take weeks, not hours. I am completely floored. I have just revealed two more characters. The final 3 will be unveiled when we reach the 100/100 goal. Giant happy thanks to all those that have ordered so far!

UPDATE AGAIN: WOW! There are only 3 print packs left as of this writing. I have updated the comic with Josh in all his hulking glory and will add the last two after the final 3 are sold. Thank you guys so much for the wonderful support.

UPDATE 10/27/11: All 100 print packs are sold out! I expected this to take weeks if not months instead of days. I have to escalate the production and shipping schedule accordingly. I will add the last couple of characters to the comic/print in the next few days. Thank you all so much for the support! If you didn’t get a chance to order before they sold out, I might make the 3 bonus prints available in a pack for $30 if there is any interest.

UPDATE 11/2/11: The final two Fancy Bastards are revealed. Wil Wheaton and Mikey Neumann! Wil is just this guy, you know? And Mikey is the creative director of Gearbox Software (Brothers In Arms, Borderlands, Aliens: Colonial Marines). Mikey previously appeared on HE in THIS comic. He assumes the guise of Director Fury since, after surviving a stroke, he actually wears an eyepatch from time to time.

For those of you that didn’t get a chance to order one of the 100 limited prints, you can donate any amount and get a desktop wallpaper of this image in THE VAULT.

HijiNKS ENSUE Fancy Bastards Assemble Desktop

Book 2 Fancy Sketches: Browncoat Edition

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our Wesley’s Big Adventure Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Funny Geeky T-Shirt Star Trek Parody shirt - Wesleys Big Adventure T-Shirt-Wil Wheaton-Wesley Crusher-Sharksplode-I'm A Loner Data A Rebel

CONVENTION NEWS: Connecticon is next weekend!!!. Holy crap. Come see me and David and Ryan and Lar and the Explosm quadruplets and much many mores!

I. HAVE. FINISHED. SKETCHING. ULTIMATE FANCY EDITIONS!!!! And only several months later than I had intended! If you are expecting a UFE Book 2, it will be in the mail today, assuming the mail is running today [July 1,2011]. I sketched 16 books today, so instead of making a comic, I have assembled for you some choice selections from those sketches, colored them and even organized them into a theme! I’d say at least a 3rd of my Book 2 sketch requests said, “draw something Firefly related.” This comic was bascially founded on Browncoatishness, and I often regret not having more reasons to draw Captain Mal and his crew of misfit space peoples. I try to keep HE topical and there just isn’t much new Firefly/Serenity type stuff happening these days. What I’m trying to say is I enjoyed drawing these and I hope you enjoy reading them. I also hope the owners of the books these sketches are attached to will enjoy owning them.

The final sketch, “Reverse Dino Betrayal,” was auctioned off for the Toronto Can’t Stop The Serenity event. I might make that idea into a shirt. What do you think?

STORE NEWS: The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for a few weeks so I can make some big, exciting changes. [READ MORE HERE] In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.

MUSIC NEWS: My friend Tom Brislin has started a Kickstarter to raise money to record his first solo album. Fans of the HE Podcast will know his music from… the HE Podcast. Tom is a fantastic song writer, a virtuoso piano player and one of my favorite creative people on the planet. Please back his project so that I may hear the wonderful musics that are currently stuck in his brain.