The Cloverfield Monster is Sexually Agressive


Wait, that generally goes before the spoilers in question, doesn’t it? Oh well. I’ve ruined the most hyped movie ever for each of you. At least when you get to the theater you can watch all the unlucky numbskulls that have no idea what’s going to happen and gloat. Then, right about minute 31:24, you can stand up and yell, “I HOPE HE DOESN’T FUCK THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S HEAD OFF! THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE FOR OUR NATION!” Then it happens and you look like some kind of Nostradamus clairvoyant badass. Then the whole theater raises you aloft on their shoulders and sings songs of your praises and roasts pigs and pheasants in your honor.

J.J. Abrams has a stiffness in his pants for viral marketing. The Lost Experience was fun for about 30 seconds then it got to be like a second job with no pay and shitty hours. You’d be canceling plans with real people so you could decipher patterns in jpg artifacts, or decode numerological meanings behind secret whispered message played in reverse. It ended up being much easier to wait for the super internet squad to do all the work and post their findings on YouTube. In the end “the experience” gave away basically all the secrets of the island, the numbers, the universe and everything. The weird part is no one seems to remember any of the details since NONE of this information has ever been discussed in the show.

In like fashion, the viral marketing for Cloverfield has been permeating the very fiber of the intertron for the last 8 months or so. Hell, I was making fun of it back in August when we thought it was going to be a Cthulu movie (which would have been rad X infinity). It’s gone by the code names Slusho, 1-18-08 and Project Cloverfield (which was actually a mistake to begin with). I’m getting tired of this calculated and formulaic peaking of my geek interest through shakey-cam viral videos, and dummy websites.

I was seriously expecting to go to this movie, sit through the trailors, then get 30 minutes of black screen after which J.J. Abrams comes out and says, “Psyche” or possibly the more elegant, “Pwn3d.” Then maybe a banner than says “Star Trek: Christmas 2008.” Best. Viral. Ad. Ever.

Here’s some Cloverfield links to chew on while you wait to see the movie (some spoilers):

Shaun of the Trek

New Trek Reboot casting keeps flying out of the J.J. Abrams camp. Some dude is most likely going to be Kirk while the Incredible Hulk plays some random bad guy. And some chick is Uhura. And some Russian dude is all set to say “Nuclear Wessels.” Those less interesting bits aside, the rest of the crew seems to be fleshing out into some sort of geek/stoner/loser dream team.

I see J.J. (we’re on a first two initial basis. He calls me J.F.) rifling through a pile of DVD’s, comic books, and video games just yelling out names and roles at random while his assistant frantically calls their agents.

“Here’s Futurama Season 2! Let’s get Planet Express Ship to be the Enterprise. See if Sigourney Weaver is available to do the voice. Oooh, call Shigeru Miyamoto and see if Super Nintendo can play Ambassador Sarek! He would be perfect. And I want the Macho Man Randy Savage in a triple tag team with Julius Ceaser and the Planet Mercury to be the red shirts. They all die on the first beam down. Are you getting all of this? This is gold! I lactate geeky hollywood gold. Shelley, are you writing this?”

Thanks to everyone that voted for todays comic topic. I’m sure I will do more of that in the near future. Pegg-Trek won out over Thundercats/Gears of War with 52% of the vote as of this writing.

In the coming week, look for new Apple Insider Comics from your truly, as well and new and exciting developments right here on H.E.