Crank Dat

Full Title: “Watch Me Crank Dat Statham Boy, Then IronMan Dat Hoe”
[the hoe in question being either Amy Smart or Pepper Potts]

Maybe Iron Man should call his friend, James “BROdey” Rhodes.

Guys, come in close. Closer. I want to level with you for a minute. I want to bare my soul. This comic was extremely difficult to make. Not because the art was particularly challenging, and not because I tripped over the verbage. It was the subject matter. Making fun of  “Crank 2” is like making fun of a movie where a guy has his heart removed (for some reason) and replaced with a robot heart that runs on a laptop battery which must constantly be recharged through a series of escalating violent and sexual exploits. Ridiculous, right?

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The premise already so comical that in order to make a joke about it I had to reach into a parallel universe and pluck out a character that might be able to relate to Jason Statham (I think his name in teh film is Crank-O) through the shared experience of having one’s pulmonary system artificially and forcibly augmented by foreigners. Sometimes my job is hard.

I was pleased to read, however, that “Crank 2” doesn’t take itself seriously enough to get caught up in the trappings of it’s own absurd plot devices. It seems, rather, that the movie has fun with it’s own stupidity by constantly upping the anty in terms of over the top violence (strippers shot in the chest leak breast implant goo… seriously), action and sex (Statham is at one point urged to “rub up against some one” to create enough static electricity to “charge his battery… the battery is his penis).

So I suppose if you want to replace your brain with an artificial brain that has to be fed a steady stream of tits, gore, car chases and explosions (that REALLY doesn’t sound all that bad actually), “Crank 2” might be just the thing to keep your robo-brain from entering sleep mode.

WHO WANTS TO PLAY “CRANK MAD LIBS”?

In “Crank 3,” [group/ethnicity/organization] steal Jason Statham’s [body part/penis] and replace with with a [noun] that has to be [verb]ed every hour or it [someting bad]’s all over the place.

War Machine, HUH! Good God! What Is It Good For?

It seems Marvel didn’t even tell Mr. Howard that he’d gotten the axe…err… repulsor blast to the face. My interpretation is that they don’t want Terrence Howard to star in a potential War Machine spin off/ Iron Man Sequel. They said it was about money, but it seems like it was less about the money Howard wanted and more about the amount they would like to pay him. I’m sure Marvel never expected their first wholly owned production to be so successful.

We talked about this on Podcast #33, but we didn’t know about the unceremonious firing. So just ignore my ignorant comments about Howard asking for too much money.

The recast Eli is his best friend Alex. I hope he’s cool with appearing in the comic…

Speaking of Podcasts, in the Post Show for #33 we talked about some of the more (and less) memorable “Same Role/Different Actor” switcheroos in Hollywood history. My favorite is the whole Crispin Glover/Geroge McFly fiasco from the Back to the Future franchise. It’s a crazy-ass story.

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What are your most/least favorite recast roles from movies or TV?

I Am iRon Man

HOLY CRAP, STEVE JOBS HAD A HEART ATTACK (except not at all)!

Turns out it may have been an attempt to sabotage Apple’s stock (AAPL) prices. The perpetrator is potentially facing prison time. So if CNN picks up this comic and thinks it’s real, am I going to Federal Pound You In The Ass Prison (FPYITAP)?

In other Apple news, there’s been a rumor of a new Apple product called “The Brick” netting around the trons for a few weeks. Now it looks like “brick” may refer to a brick of solid billet aluminum, out of which the new Macbooks and Macbooks Pro will be machined out of using water jets and lasers. Sounds cool and all, but nothing earth shattering.

Assuming Eli and Steve did get to work on an iRon Man suit, I imagine it would have no visible seems, be incredibly light, have sub par battery life, radiate at about 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit and provide absolutely no protection against machine guns or tank shells. I can also assure you it would be beautiful and Eli would be fired about 3 months into the process for “not getting the vision!”

I suppose I should also mention that Iron Man is the best selling Blu Ray of all time. So many people bought it, in fact, that they shut down Sony’s BD-Live servers. I’ve decided I’m never going to buy a Blu Ray. I’m going to wait until the players are incredibly cheap, then Netflix them until they are completely replaced by digital content distribution.

Eli is going to Chicago this week (all week). If you know of anything he should make sure to visit, experience or a great place to take photos, feel free to post it in the comments. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Maybe some Chicago FB’s want to buy him a beer?

Iron Man and Cape 4

You’ll be hearing a LOT from me about Iron Man (and probably seeing a couple more comics on the subject) so I won’t bother with a long review.

Here’s a short one instead: It is the best comic book movie to date. They got EVERYTHING right. Casting was perfect. RDJ is Tony Stark. The effects were perfect. Gadget porn galore and CGI so believable you never noticed it. The balance of action to story was perfect. No drawn out origin, no side love story, no emo. They got him in the suit, he had two fights, it was over and you wanted more. Brilliant.

I’m not saying it was the best movie of all time (I am). I’m saying in leu of all turds Marvel has dropped recently (Daredevil, Punisher, Blade 3, other Punisher, Elektra, FF1, FF2, Hulk, etc, etc) Iron Man just got it right. And get this… I NEVER liked Iron Man in the comics. I left that movie with a thirst for more of the source material. That is what a great comic book movie should do: serve the die hard fans, while equally bringing new ones to the franchise. Well done, John Favreua, Robery Downey Jr., Marvel, et al.

Here’s an even shorter review from Josh:

Iron Man Fucking Rocked

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They’re just jealous

Wow, this comic is almost a day late. Consider it an early Saturday edition. It was inspired by “How Iron Man Gets Dressed.” It wouldn’t be nearly as cool if Tony Stark had to sit there for 45 minutes with an impact drill and a torx driver and put the whole thing together by hand.

Yesterday was weird. I ended up talking to my friend Tom, from the band Spiraling, until 2 or 3am about what he is doing with his band and how it coincides with what I’m doing with the comic. I started working on the comic afterwards but fell asleep at 5am.

Woke up at 8am so I could finish the comic and get to some lunch plans at 1:00. Lunch was cancelled (FOR EVERYONE!) so I went right back to sleep and woke up again at noon or so. 7 hours of drawing later and here’s a comic about Iron Man.

That sounded more like a Livejournal post than I intended.

Tonight I actually get to see Iron Man (Josh and Eli saw it at Midnight last night).  Tomorrow Eli and I will be walking around at CAPE here in Dallas for “Free Comic Book Day.” I’ll be wearing a “Roslin ’08” shirt in case you want to say, “Hi (I was sent here by Satan to kill you).” Hope to see a few Fancy Bastards there.