Fully Functional

You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown

I’m not saying I fucked your washing machine. I’m just implying that in about 9 months there might be a litter of baby appliances running around your kitchen that look a lot like a cross between me and your Kenmore Elite Front Load.

I have been known to covet a gadget or two in my day. I’ve even continued those covetous feelings AFTER already owning a gadget. The experience could be described as “gadget lust,” but I have never considered actually having intercourse with my iPad. Ok, I have never actually taken practical steps toward fucking my iPad. I guess there’s a distinction that needs to be made between figuring out the mechanics of an act in your head and actually going to Home Depot to purchase materials.

Confirmed: Fleshlight Developing an iPad Case You Can Have Sex With

As panel 1 above suggests, I really think the fuckable iPad marks a significant moment in human history. We’ll likely start measuring recorded history in B.C., A.D. and A.F.i. (After Fuckable iPad). The only question is whether we will say “I can’t imagine how terrible life must have been pre-A.F.i.” or “Remember pre-A.F.i. when roving gangs of cyber-wolves didn’t patrol the streets of the burned cities in their decapitanks? Remember clean water? Remember the sun? Remember OH SHIT LOOK OUT IT’S CHIEF CYBER-WOLF, VICEROY STEELPAW!”

Maybe it won’t be all that severe. Maybe fuckable iPads will just be the next “checking email while jogging” or “texting while driving” or “breaking while entering.” Regardless, I am going to start investing in companies that sell close up videos of the tops of peoples’ heads bobbing up and down. Mark my word. It’s going to be the next Hula Hoop. You know? For kids.

COMMENTERS: Fuckable iPads: What a person does in their own home without harming or victimizing anyone else is their own business, or ruination of the species? Is it harmless fun or a slippery slope to shoving laptops up our asses? That slope would have to be PRETTY slippery.

You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

2 Pad 2 Furious

EWOK STAAAAAARRREEEEEE!!!

C2E2 IN CHICAGO IS NEXT WEEKEND!!! I will be there with Randy, Danielle and David!

THERE IS A NEW HE PODCAST!!! EPISODE 81 – DICK ISLAND

Josh IRL picked up an iPad 2 today and he’s already looking for ways to not just dispose of, but humiliate its predecessor. I feel like if there were a way to pants an iPAd in front of the girl it liked, Josh would do just that.

Commenters: What can Josh do with his old iPad? Fold it in half and use it as a stand for his iPad 2? Cram it under his tires for traction when he gets stuck in the mud? World’s tiniest and most expensive toboggan? YOU DECIDE!

The Cuptertino Diet

MEEEEDLY MEEEEEDLY SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
ALL NEW REDESIGNED “AND MY AXE” SHIRTS ARE IN THE STORE!

NEW HE Podcast Episode 80: Medium Seabiscuit [or is it Sexbiscuit?]

OMG EMERALD CITY COMICON IS RIGHT NOW [starting Friday]!!! Come see me and Angela at booth 307.

CONVENTION UPDATE: I will be at The Toronto Comics And Arts Festival May 7-8 after all, and I will also be at Connecticon July 9-11.

BOOK UPDATE: The giant, frost bitten pallet of HE Book 2‘s arrived at my house on Wednesday. I’ll start shipping books when I get back from ECCC. Non-artist edition books will ship first, followed by non-artist UFE’s (still waiting on some of the goodies like stickers and buttons to arrive), followed by all artist editions. I have at least 200 books to sketch, so please be forgiving when it comes to delivery times.

Ok, don’t look at me like that. Josh came up with this and I just wanted to make sure you all knew what a monster he was. Now that you know… what he is… just don’t look him directly in the eyes if you ever meet him. Because I assure you, the thing looking back will chill you to the core. It’s like staring into the soulless eyes of a shark with cataracts. Or maybe a raccoon. Either way it’s some sobering shit. The temperature in the room will drop 10 degrees, then it will rise because you just peed yourself. He’s a monster. A monster.

COMMENTERS: So hows about that spanky new iPad 2, eh? That mobile Garageband is giving me dangerous thoughts. One might even say IDEAS. Ooooohhhhh…. ideeeeeaaaaaasssss….

The Morning Paper

LAST CHANCE FOR “KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF MY OVIPOSITOR SHIRTS”!!!
They are only $15! They will never be printed again, so get ’em while you can.

~~Here! Have an unfinished comic.~~ UPDATE: I replaced the comic with the final inked and colored version, but if you still want to see the rough version it’s in a free post in The Vault.

Getting the book done (as in 100% done, no more changes done) has eaten my entire life away this week. In fact I am still not fully through with my part (as I assumed I was last night). I have the proofs in hand and there are some problems to address. Combine all of that with the SNOHSHITWEREALLGOINGTODIE situation going on in Dallas right now, and this week has been rather unproductive in terms of comics. I am going to try to fill in the missing comic gaps for this week with a few Lo-FiJINKS comics and get back on the horse (is that a real expression?) come Monday.

If you would like Josh to have an expletive exclamation of some kind in panel 3, feel free to post it in the comments. If I like one, I may use it in the finished (inked/colored) version. In case it isn’t clear, his breakfast consists of Vodka, fountain Big Red w/ a slice of bacon, and pancake syrup.

Apple and Newscorp are putting the final nail in the coffin of the concept of printed newspapers by releasing The Daily, an all digital newspaper for the iPad. I love this idea. I love it so much I LURV it. I never understood why big media always seemed to argue that the death of newspaper (ie newsPRINT) and the death of journalism were one in the same. I always heard the argument of, “if no one is actually reporting and writing the news, where will the bloggers get their information from?” This always seemed like a symptom of the problem. That being big media not understanding its own role in digital culture. Yes, we still need people to research, write and distribute the news in a professional and organized way. And we still need resources we can trust more than the average Livejournal. What we don’t need is someone in a ’74 El Camino throwing a bundle of paper at our door at 5am. Keep making the news, just stop printing it.

Speaking of old media and things that need to die, some motherfucker had the audacity to put a phonebook on my doorstep a few days ago. Can you believe that shit? I ran for my crossbow with the intent of putting a bolt betwixt his ribs, but he ran off before I got a clear bead on him. I just left it there. I don’t even want to touch it. It’s just this giant, 4″ thick bound reminder of wasted resources, and living in the past. I would be shocked if the power required to send everyone in America a digital phonebook equalled the cost of actually producing a single phonebook. Bluh. The whole situation just makes me sick. I feel like an idiot for putting them in the recycle bin the same day that I get them. What a waste.

Anyway, feel free to comment on The Daily or you take on the “death of newspapers” from any particular angle in the comments.

Special thanks to Joenis for making some changes to the site design of HE that should make it easier to navigate. Check out his comic, LAWLS.

Close Your Eyes And See The Skies Are Falling

First things first: This is your LAST WEEK to order an Ultimate Fancy Edition of Book 2 AND get your name in the book. Files go to the printer on January 15th. After that you will still be able to order a UFE but you will NOT be listed in the book on the Fancy Bastard Wall Of Fancy Fame.
ORDER THAT FREAKIN’ BOOK, YO!

Second things second: HijiNKS ENSUE is 5 days a week now. Read more HERE.

And thirdest of all: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ALL THE FREAKIN’ DEAD BIRDS!? I can only assume nefarious green pigs are involved.