With So Much Drama In The LHC

Alternate title: You Down With LHC?

Post coming later today (assuming the universe is still here).

I’ve been planning an LHC (yeah, you know me) comic for about a month and today seemed like the best time to pull the trigger. Acting under the assumption that there this is still an “is” and the Swiss have failed at their attempt to explode every molecule in our bodies at the speed of light, I’ll go ahead and breath a cautious sigh of relief. I’m all for science. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just more for… being and such.

I have a relative that worked on the Superconducting Super Collider here in TX before the project was shut down and the miles of underground tunnels were converted to miles of ABANDONED underground tunnels. I used to hope that they would get it up in running and I would be able to sneak on on “Family Day” or something and use the machine to shoot a peanut butter sandwich through an orangutan. Seems like they would have an ample supply of both.

I’ve been collecting Large Hadron Collider related links for a few weeks in hopes of making some sense out of any of these “Big Un-Bang” claims that have been floating around the tubertrons. In the end, the only thing that was clear was that “Goatsengularity” is the reason I was put on earth. I have enriched the world and touched each of your lives and now I can return to my stasis pod and sleep for 1000 years or until I am needed again.

A few FB’s made their peace with the world on the eve of it’s destruction.

Here’s the links I mentioned:

Tragedy + Irony = April Fools Comedy!

Multiply that equation by “orphans” and you have a recipe for hilarity.

Josh is basically a monster. More like Charlise Theron (in that movie), than say like Mothra or Nancy Grace. I don’t think he would actually burn orphans alive, but I doubt he would go out of his way to stop it from happening. Like if he saw the orphanage a blaze, but the phone was “all the way over there.” Well, then you got yourself some teriyaki orphans. Oh, forsaken children, when will you STOP being funny? My sides can’t take it.

Experiment Update:

I’m into my second week of full time comic’ing. This is the first Wednesday strip I’ve ever done, and with promise of a Friday strip, this will be the first 3 comic week for me ever. I’m already behind on pretty much everything I had planned for the week, including THE STORE, THE DONATIONS PROGRAM, MORE SITE ENHANCEMENTS, THE MANIFESTO, THE PODCAST and THE VIDEO BLOG.

That’s a lot of items. If I am slow to respond to comments this week, don’t feel bad. I read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT that you post. You guys have been so encouraging since my announcement. I really do appreciate it.

Expect the Podcast later today (in 2 parts!). We have an interview with someone who worked with Joss Whedon on “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-Long Blog” for your geeky ears to devour.

Assignment 1: Name “The Experiment.” I’m fine with calling it just that, unless you have a better idea.

Assignment 2: Name yourselves. What are HE readers called? I’m leaning towards “The Fancy Bastards.” I am absolutely making a shirt for GYFB.

Out.

America voted, and… IT’S A TRAP!

The only question is after he was done with the song, would the judges or viewers even know the crime he had just committed? Probably not. I’m sure his performance would illicit the usual:

“Dog, it was a little pitchy. At first I wasn’t feelin’ you but then you hit a couple of big notes and it was HOT! We got a HOT ONE!”

“First let me say that you are a breath of fresh air. You are an absolute joy and your shoes look fantastic. (sobs uncontrollably into an empty pill bottle).”

“Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. I wish you were tied to a tree with razor wire, covered in barbecue sauce and slowly eaten by a pack of rabid former idol contestants.”

The first time I fell victim to a ” Rick Rolling” I was at lunch with people who I thought were my friends. One of them mentioned this awesome Photoshop tutorial he had seen online. Another affirmed its awesomeness and added that it contained the secrets to Photoshop techniques that would open up a whole new world of flares and filters. I chimed in, “That sounds cool. Send me a link.”

Send. Me. A. Link. Four words, spoken alone they mean nothing. Together they are a dark and ancient incantation that invokes the most insidious evil. How many nights did this squadron of assholes stay awake planning my demise? Was I even the original target or were they just waiting for a wounded animal to snag their trap? Where the fuck was Admiral Ackbar when I needed him?

A few nights go by and I remembered that I was supposed to get a link to a certain Photoshop video, but no one had sent it. I IM’d Jeramy “Final Boss” Ook, who was so vocal that day about the wondrous knowledge contained within the tutorial. Why didn’t he send me the link? He wants to keep the magics all to himself! No, it was simpler than that. He had actually forgotten to follow through with his nefarious plot. I REMINDED him to make a fool of me. He sent me the link.

Judas! Betrayer! Lord of treachery! Prince of Lies! General douchebag! Lunch was just the set up and he was supposed to Roll me later that evening. It letting him hold out for two days I somehow made the Rolling more potent. Sweeter for him, but twice as deadly for me. Clicking that link, with enthusiastic expectation visible behind my childlike grin, was like a fucking poison dagger covered in scorpions shoved in my gut. Ever since that day, I’ve been planning my Rick-Revenge. I might just wait and Roll his kid in 20 years or so.

So tell me, what was the best Rick Roll you ever gave or the worst you ever received? Any more elaborate than mine?

S.W.A.T. (Swedish Weapons and Torrents)

When you think pirates these days, you conjure images of flamboyantly foppish fellows, beards beaded and doo-ragged domes. I comment today not on those sea fairing swashbuckling skalewags, but rather the dastardly digital do-bads downloading documents, data, dance music and DVD dupes.

I just dropped some alliteration science on your asses. Brain mouth words tired have now.

…rebooting…

The Jolly Roger waivers at the Pirate Bay are in some hot meatball sauce with the Swedish Government. Sweden, often known as the land of lawlessness and cheap, ready-to-assemble furniture has finally decided that creating an online portal for the sole purpose of allowing users to take and use software and media they haven’t paid for is somehow morally ambiguous. Possibly illegal!

The eyepatchers and pegleggers claim:

  1. They aren’t making the gigantic stacks of cash (what do the Swedish use for currency? Carp? Slacks? Children? Tufts of hair?) and
  2. They can never be stopped for their reach extends beyond the four corners of the (round) earth and into the very internets we breath.

I’m not passing judgement on what’s right or wrong, just what is legal. File sharing copyrighted material (even making a mix tape) is illegal. Fair use be damned. The law is clear. These are not laws I agree with, but they are real and carry serious consequences when ignored.

If they really have scattered their servers world wide, I certainly wouldn’t suggest that the Swedes or the RIAA or the MPAA or the producers of “Ugly Betty” and “Grey’s Anatomy” check Josh’s file server. There’s no reason he should be on their radar. He doesn’t have season after season of high quality HD-rips of every show imaginable. He just doesn’t.

Part 2 of this comic will deal with the aftermath of the raid and Josh’s inevitable prosecution and incarceration. What’s with all the continuity lately?

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P.S.

Sorry for missing Monday’s comic, but it was important that I get the podcast edited, uploaded, etc so you guys could enjoy it. Thanks for all the support and feedback regarding the Podcast. We have fun doing the show and plan to record episode 2 this Saturday. The process of editing and uploading should go MUCH faster this time. Don’t forget to email questions to podcast(at)hijinksensue(dot)com.