Hell Is Other People In Elevators

Alternate Title: Enter The Hellevator

I have a new website! Read about it HERE!

Sheesh! Mondays! Right? Who’s with me? They are just the worst. This comic was born of my absolute and all encompassing hatred of elevator/parking lot/lunch line small talk. I think the main reason I stopped having a real job was to avoid small talk at all costs. I didn’t watch the game, I don’t T.G.I.F., and I’d rather not discuss the unbearable and oppressive Texas heat since there isn’t a god damn thing we can do about it except die. Actually, that’s what I’m saying to the other guy in the elevator with my eyes. My mouth is making a sort of “meph” sound.

If you go see M. Knight Shyamalan’s Devil, please email me with the spoiler/twist/reveal/whatever. [UPDATE: I already got the goods and DAMN is that a shittyamalon twist!] I only want to know so I can rank it on my Shyamalan Scale of Twistappointment. My early guess is the elevator is Satan’s esophagus and he’s just swallowing them for 2 hours.

Satan’s Esophagus is my Slayer cover band.

Voraciously Carnivorous

The next time you’re about to say “dick” or “cock,” try saying “wiener” instead. It’s a funny word. I bet you’ll get a little chuckle and some self satisfaction out of it. If you are having a hard time spelling the word, remember this simple rule: I before E except after C, or when sounding like “wiener” when talking to a hispanic gentleman.

Dallas Animefest is TODAY and all Labor Day Weekend!

Dallas Anime Fest

Come see me, Shortpacked and Two Lumps (plus a bunch of cat-girls and such). We will be doing a Webcomic’s panel every day.

It’s Fri Sept 3rd – Mon Sept 6th, 2010 at the Hyatt Regency Dallas at Reunion Tower.

I haven’t seen Piranha 3D yet, but the real Josh did explain it as being something akin to staring into the face of God Almighty while an Angel sperms in your eye. James Cameron disagrees. Or perhaps he agrees completely but considers the God-face-Angel-sperm thing as a negative selling point. Either way it seems like the kind of thing you should see in theaters and with friends. I can’t image the fish-fueled-flesh-frenzy has the same impact when you’re at home alone, streaming it from Netflix on your Wii. Those hundreds of gallons of blood will seem like meer pints.

READER CHALLENGE: Any Fancy Bastard that provides video evidence of drinking Vodka (or some other type of booze) through a Twinkie filter (which must be crammed on the neck of the bottle) will get a signed print of this comic and another signed print of any comic of your choosing. Make this happen. Do it for me.
UPDATE: I’m going to limit this to the first 5 FB’s that provide proof. Otherwise it’s going to get expensive for me.

UPDATE 2: SOMEONE ACTUALLY DID IT!!! FB Jason did the Vodkawinkie and posted a video on Youtube. It’s a lot messier than I thought it would be.

UPDATE 3: Looks like Sean, Kristin and JonnyAce did the deed, and so did Paco! That’s all for the prizes but I still encourage you to experiment with this terrible idea. I had a thought, that maybe if you leave the Twinkie in the wrapper and open both ends it would create sort of a Twinkie filter straw situation. Anyone care to try it out?

Habeas Jennifer’s Corpus

Every night Josh cooks 6 pounds of bacon and reads aloud from the NecroOmNomNomicon.

If you get the reference in this comic it must be because you (like me) have seen the trailers for Jennifer’s Body, because apparently no one saw the actual movie. Megan Fox is an attractive young lady, but other than that she’s shit-cocking insane. She’s been dating Brian Austin Green from Terminator: 90210 The High School Years and told Rolling Stone that the reason she will never buy a gun is that she’d definitely shoot him with it. I wonder if he started wearing full Kevlar body armor after that article came out. She also uses gypsy magic to keep airplanes from falling out of the sky. So what I’m saying is that she’s s winner. Not a “thankless, unfriendly bitch” as former coworlkers have said. No sir. She’s a winner through and trough.

On a “things I can actually recommend you checking out” note, two of my webcomicing friends Bill Barnes (of Unshelved) and Paul Southworth (of Ugly Hill and You Are Dead) have activated their webcomic wonder twin powers and created a new comic call Not Invented Here. Programmers and coders should be instantly familiar with the title and thus most of the subject matter. That’s not to say non-programmers won’t get the jokes (but you won’t). Bill is the king of niche webcomics that only make sense to 1 out of every 150,000 people. And Paul is the king of drawing 150,000 times better than Bill. Together they can’t be stopped.

Not Invented Here Comic

That’s enough good will. Here’s an ad for my book. Looks like it will be shipping when I return from Baltimore Comic-Con.

hijinks-ensue-godspeed-you-fancy-bastard-book-300x300

The Perils Of Being Typecast

Thanks to Fancy Bastard @martintsang for suggesting “Air Bud” as the worst sappy bullshit family-style movie ever. All joking aside, “Watchmen’s” Jackie Earle Haley will probably make a terrific Freddy Krueger. I’m pretty sure that dude can already control your nightmares so they should save a ton on special effects.

Sorry for the super-late comic. Real life gets in the way of delicious internets some times.

Thanks to all the FB’s who kept me company on Ustream while I made this comic. Follow me on Twitter if you want to be alerted when things like that happen in the future.

Commenters: How about we recast more classic horror movies with current celebs? That sounds like a thing to do, doesn’t it? For bonus points, pick a family movie (a la “Air Bud”) and rescript it as a horror film. Beethoven = Kujo is the obvious first choice.

ALSO: Check out www.divingdragongames.com. Kalan Vazquez is a Fancy Bastard running his own version of “The Experiment” but with independent game development instead of comics/music. I wish him all the success in the world (but slightly less than I wish for myself…).