Taking A Stab In The Dark

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Alternate Horribly Long Horrible Title: Highlander IIb: The Treat Or Trickening: There Can Be Only One Funsize Kit-Kat Per Costumed Child

Over the course of the Halloween week (All Hallows Week or Halloweek), I watched John Carptenter’s original Halloween at least thrice (if not fource). I realized I had never seen the first one all the way through, and decided to correct that error several times over in a very short time span apparently. Whatever channel I was watching skipped Halloween 2 and went straight for Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch. After seeing that this movie A) Did not feature Michael Myers, B) DID feature evil rubber masks that murder children with Celtic magic, and C) Shared most of its name with a Nic Cage film from the tail end of his “I owe millions in back taxes tour,” I decided to do a little research.

Dozens of minutes of Wiki’ing later and I learned that the Halloween franchise suffered greatly from its initial success (to this day Halloween is possibly the highest grossing independent film of all time), and never quite replicated the original’s universally positive reception or cultural impact. Also there was that killer rubber mask thing. Jamie Lee Curtis’s character was killed off, then brought back, but no one bothered to tie up all the loose ends surrounding her resurrection so Halloween’s 3-6 are now regarded as “mostly out of canon.” During those “lost years” Michael is given a backstory that involves an ancient Celtic cult and a blood sacrifice which is what leads Michael to turn evil, invincible and homicidal, yet never able to accelerate past a modest amble.

When I was nine years old, we watched Halloween 4 at a friend’s slumber party. It was my first foray into the series and I was incredibly confused as to why the killer shared a name with the star of Wayne’s World. Considering The Love Guru, I’m not sure which Michael Myers was the greater threat. I’d like to see Mike Myers as Michael Myers in Halloween IX: Some Folks Call It  A Shwing Blade.

COMMENTERS: Was it a mistake to actually try and make sense of a horror franchise’s plot continuity? Should I just enjoy the splatter, boobs and splattered boobs? Which long running horror franchise took the weirdest turn plot-wise? What were your favorite horror/slasher films as a kid, and do they hold up to scrutiny now?

A Real Fixer-Upper

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

American Horror Story is only 5 episodes in and it’s already banana tits insane. Every single day 100 unspeakable horrors  happen to the family in the murder house, any one of which would cause regular, sane people to curl up into the fetal position and scream until they were dead. It is impossible to watch this show without constantly wondering WHY ARE THEY STILL IN THE HOUSE!?!?!! At any given time there are at least 3 creepy murder neighbors (2 of which are probably ghosts) lurking uninvited in the house, 3 or 4 people are who supposed to be dead (and probably are) trying to break into the house and a host of demons, ghouls and haunting visions plaguing every waking moment of this family’s lives yet they never just GET THE FUCK OUT. Oh, the market is bad? You can’t sell the house without being upside down? FUCK IT! GET OUT! SAVE YOURSELVES! It’s super frustrating how unbelievable everyone’s actions and reactions are. It’s like asking us to believe a family gets a new dog and it turns out the dog farts bullets, so every single day someone is getting accidentally fart-shot and yet they NEVER get rid of the dog.

COMMENTERS: Are you watching American Horror Story? Post your thoughts, theories, etc. in the comments. I’m sure there will be some spoilers, so read at your own risk.


Why did I make this comic? Event Horizon is neither recent, nor topical, nor good, nor not terrible. I’ll tell you why [I’ll teach your grandmother to suck eggs]. It came on TV a few days ago and I, having not seen it in over a decade, remembering it was awful, but not remember exactly WHY it was awful, watched it in its entirety. It was then that I learned the dark secret of the movie about a spaceship that takes you to hell. The movie itself does the same thing.

For the first 5 minutes or so, it seems like you’re going to get some decent, self-contained sci-fi, then almost immediately and with no provocation everything turns bat-tits and the ship, which is also the Devil [spoilers] shows everyone creepy visions until they kill themselves or each other. Luckily the movie seem to give you a blue print for how to escape its life-suck field by constantly showing you people that have mellon balled their eyes out. It’s an easter egg that says, “Want to escape with your will to live in tact? Well pluck our your eyes and run a crossbow bolt through your ear canal like a toilet snake.”

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The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this littler operation going.

The only thing I was able to enjoy about Event Horizon was figuring out who the “before they were kind of famous” supporting cast were. The ship’s crew consisted of the mom/wife from Nip/Tuck, Lucious Malfoy, the kid from Mtv’s Dead At 21, the FBI dude from Terminator: TSCC (who seemed to be doing a fairly spot on Denzel impression the entire time) and a lady who I kind of remember from Prison Break.

If you haven’t seen Event Horizon in a while, or ever, PLEASE do not make any attempt to change that. You will seriously be carving off chunks of your own face before it’s over. Instead, maybe go check out Pandorum. It’s got the same creepy spaceship vibe + maybe there’s a monster, maybe just a killer type of situation and, in my opinion, it’s executed really well for a fairly low budget space-horror flick.

COMMENTERS: Is space-horror a genre now? Other than the ALIEN franchise what other films fit? I suppose 2001 does. The Predator and AVP franchises probably qualify more as action than horror. Something to think about.

Speaking of Event Horizon, my friend Corn Mo made a damn fine rock and roll song about that terrible sack of space-shit. Here’s a VIDEO for it.

Speaking for Corn Mo, if you like A Gamge Of Thrones and songs, he has gone to the trouble of combining them for you. Two great tastes that taste bleek and ominous together! Video HERE. Buy the song HERE.

Houston, We Have Plausible Deniability


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While waiting for a show to start at C2E2 in Chicago this year, I saw the trailer for Apollo 18 at least a dozen times. Every single time I thought it was for Transformers: Turn Off The Moon (In Space No One Can Hear You Yawn) – Moonraker: The Long Dark Teatime Of The Soul. Hollywood is obsessed with NASA accidentally leaving stuff on the moon and not telling people about it.

ANOTHER THING: “Winter Is Coming” shirts are being printed now and will be in the store soon.

COMMENTERS: Did you see Apollo 18 this weekend? Any good? Not going to see it? Why? For me it’s a “wait for rental” type of situation.

The Tell-Tale Brains


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The newly relaunched HE Store is up and running over at Blind Ferret. Please go check it out and maybe buy a book or a shirt or something. Shirts will begin shipping soon, now that we are all back from Comic-Con.

What’s that in the distance? Why, it’s the faint siren song of the undead. Hearing them is SO much scarier than seeing them. I can only image their desiccated corpses, somehow animated by a perversion of biology, their skin sloughed off to reveal muscle and bone, their entrails spilling out of their gaping abdominal cavities, their… oh, you get the picture. No need to see any of that. Let’s go inside for a long time and talk about how there are probably zombies all over the place.

All of the news about what AMC is doing to The Walking Dead (firing Frank Darabont, requiring 13 episodes for less money than they had to make 6 last season, threatening the cast and crew to keep quiet) sounds BAD. Like REALLY really bad. Why can’y hollywood just pet the pretty rabbit? Why do they have to crush its tiny rabbit skull every time?

COMMENTERS: How else are AMC going to ruin cut costs on The Walking Dead?