The Hand That Feeds

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Doctor Who Dr. Seuss T-Shirt, Rory Centurion, Shirt Pandorica, Horton Hears a Who, Horton Hatches The Egg, Rory Hears A Who And Hatches The Cube, Rory Pond, Rory Williams,

Did you know the horrifyingly deformed Hand Turkey is the official mascot of Thanksgravy? Each year on this day, little children leave a ladle full of gravy under their pillows and while they slumber, bellies plump with yams and holiday spite, the Hand Turkey will come to visit them. If he deems them good and virtuous and sufficiently crammed with pie and/or hungover, he will leave a gift under their pillow. And sometimes on the floor next to their bed. And often right on their miserable little cranberry sauce stained faces. He’s a generous bird. A loathsome, self-hating bird, but a generous one none the less.

How about you make your own Thanksgravy Hand Turkey and post a link to your masterpiece in the comments. If you post them to Twitter, use the hashtag #thanksgravy.

COMMENTERS: Please add to the myths and traditions of Thanksgravy and the Hand Turkey. 

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Punkin Chunkin

Poor little guy. He must be collicky. Newborns can be such a handful. Especially when they refuse to prove they were born in this country. Just produce the ancient South American stone tablets that foretell your coming and we’ll consider the issue closed. Otherwise I’m calling immigration and you can cluck and hiss your story to them. I feel like I should point out that my intention was not to imply that Juan Q. ate a bunch of people and then threw them up all over Joel. It’s more like his beak is a portal to a dimension that consists of nothing but blood and bones and through a gastrointestinal mishap he managed to lower the veil between worlds for a second. Come December 22nd, we’re probably all going to wish we lived in that bone blood dimension. I don’t expect Juan Q. is going to show us much in the mercy depart. Cute little bugger that he is.

Eli seems to be embracing the Mayan 2012 Apocalypse now that he has a dog in the race. Either that or he’s starting to swell with pride for his brownish heritage. Either way I think Juan Quetzalcoatl Zach will be sticking around, even if that particular name does now. I almost went with Roland. I hope you enjoyed this storyline (perhaps more than the last one). Now let me gather my thoughts on this whole Disney/Lucasfilm thing so I can make a comic about it. I bet it ends the same way as this one did. Just buckets and buckets of thrown up blood and bones.

Check out this Interview I did with The 4th Wall. It contains basically everything I know about making comics for a living. I have no other knowledge to impart.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS: Come to THIS in December or your regrets will never cease.

 

The Blessed Arrival

La resurrección del lagarto pollo!

Finally, a new comic. My actual human life has been getting in the way of my comic-productivity for the last week. I have solved this problem by cutting off all contact with the outside world for at least the next two months. If you need me, I’ll be chained to my computer with a stylus driven through each of my hands like so much webcomicy stigmata.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS: Come to THIS in December or WE’RE THROUGH!

THINGS OF TUMBLD INTEREST: 

COMMENTERS: So it seems Eli is now the steward of the great bird-headed serpent god of Mesoamerica that will (or has) return to Earth and usher in the world ending 2012 situation. Fun times. Which horrific beast of world (or at least city) destruction would you most like as a pet? Which would you rather actually destroy us all? My vote for both scenarios goes to whatever sort of Norse frost giant is going to really fuck shit up come Ragnarok.

 

Feliz Año Nuevo!

Buy my book. Buy my book. BUY MY BOOK!

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Theoretically, when someone opens an eventual 4th HijiNKS ENSUE Book THIS will be the first comic they see. Seems like the perfect way to scare off the normals. 

I spent New Years Eve (eve) with Eli, Josh and a slew of other friends at Eli and Denise’s home. There was food and beer and snacks and beer and eatables and beer. Also beer. Eli rigged up a ghetto movie theatre on the back porch and we suffered the freezing night (which is Texas is something like 60 degrees) to watch shitty movies projected 12 feet high on his wall. There was talk of subjecting us all, once again, to RikiOh: The Story of Ricky, but the vault Josh keeps that particular bit of punishment in can only be opened by turning three keys simultaneously and I wasn’t about to relinquish mine.

Instead, Eli subjected us to Chillerama, a collection of 3.5 short films… “filmed things” based around the last hurrah of a drive-in theatre on its final night before closing up shop for good. All you really need to know about Chillerama are the titles of the vignettes. The show started with Wadzilla, a 1950’s monster movie send up about a man who, after taking an experimental drug, ejaculates a single giant sperm which continues to grow and devastate the city. More? Really? You want more? Ok, how about I Was A Teenage WereBear? A 60’s beach party movie spoof about a sexually confused teen who get’s bitten on the ass by a WereBear (a skinny gay teen who transforms into a burly, bearded, be-fanged leather daddy). Considering there were no less than 4 bears in attendance that night, this segment was certainly proof that there IS a god and he is super gay. The third installment was called The Diary Of Anne Frankenstein. They really should have stopped with the title. There’s no further explanation needed. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard and nothing the filmmakers could have put after that title could have possibly lived up to it. There’s no point in me even explaining it. Your imagination will do a better job than I could. There’s sort of a 4th short film, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise. The shorts are wrapped up in an A-story about a drive in worker who, through acts of necro-feelin’ ya, begins to accidentally spread a “super horny zombie” virus to all of the drive-in patrons.

If none of this has scared you off, I actually can recommend Chillerama for your next drunken shitty movie night. It almost crosses the line between “we tried but this came out shitty,” and “HEY! Look out shitty this is on purpose!” a few times, but manages to reel it in with genuine cheese and above average special effects for a low budget D-movie. It’s hard to talk about production quality with films like this, but it really does help you to stomach the bad jokes, worse acting and ridiculous plots when you can actually HEAR and SEE everything the creators intend you to. Most movies of this caliber suffer greatly from technical shortcomings. By contrast, Chillerama is extremely watchable for something that is nearly unwatchable. I believe it’s on Netflix instant now and should make for an interesting evening with inebriated friends.

COMMENTERS: Josh actually made be watch Riki-Oh during one of the first times we ever hung out. It was an event that would set the tone of our friendship for the next decade or so. Has anyone ever made such an impact on you by forcing you to sit through an unbelievably terrible movie? Did you uncle show you the Star Wars Christmas Special in your basement? It’s OK to share. You are among friends.

Do you have any geeky new years resolutions? Any shows you are determined to finally plow through?

Hounded

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Ohhhhh [Christmas] fuuuuudge! If I am not careful, A Christmas Story comics might become an annual thing. 

In the post for the previous comic, I asked you to reveal your favorite non-traditional Christmas/holiday-times movie (Edward Scissorhands, Die Hard, Over The Top, etc). A Christmas Story is my favorite… well, Christmas story, period. The watching of it is, in fact, one of my only Christmas traditions. When it comes on TBS back to back for 24 hours on December 25th, I pretty much set the TV to channel 500,000 or whatever and leave it there until the presents are all opened, the relatives are gone and the leftover pumpkin pie beckons to me like a moist, high calorie Siren. It is surprisingly easy to finish an entire pumpkin pie by yourself in a day or so when you realize it is every bit as much breakfast and lunch as it is an after dinner-pie dessert.

This is most likely the final HE comic of 2011. I offer you my most sincere thanks for your (you Fancy Bastards, that is) continuing support, both emotional and financial. This has certainly been my busiest year and my most exciting one as a professional person that draws bullshit on the Internet. The latter half of this year represents the first time since the inception of HE and the beginning of The Experiment that I have felt a slight release on the constant financial pressure that running a small business based on (again) drawing bullshit on the Internet (and giving it away for free) has presented me with. I am by no means “well off” or “flush with cash” or “a money having type of guy” or “more words in quotes,” but for the first time ever I feel like I am out of the woods, or at least approaching what seems to be a clearing ahead. It feels like if I can somehow manage to keep going at this pace, in a couple of years things will be pretty much OK. That’s a nice feeling. The constant struggle to stay afloat is still very much alive, but now it feels somehow on a larger timeline. It’s more like I’m trying to get to the next year as opposed to wondering how I’m going to pay the mortgage next month.

I say all of that so say this again: Thank you. Thank you all for making 2011 a truly life-changing year for me. Thank you for indulging me, supporting me, and finding some modicum of joy in these weird pictures of mostly dicks that I upload in this space several times a week. The previous sentence is a perfect description of my dream job, and I get to do it every single day because there are geeky weirdos like me all over the world that feel the same dumb feelings I do about TV and movies warp nacelles and TARDISes and what not. There is even a small subset of you that will chuckle when I say “weird pictures of mostly dicks” is Velera III crystalline Microbrain-ese for HijiNKS ENSUE.

See you in 2012, nerds.