Hippocrates Rising

The Fancy Sketch Drive ends on Wednesday 7/11/12! About 50/100 are already sold. Get in on this and help support me in a time of financial need while getting some sweet original art! I will draw damn near whatever you want (within reason). I finally got my home Internet working again and was able to stream some live sketching for a couple of hours. If you missed it, the video is archived HERE.

San Diego Comic-Con is this week! I will be hanging out at booth 1332 with Blind Ferret. Check my Twitter for signing times and availability. More info HERE.

Grammar Dalek Shirt from HijiNKS ENSUE

Grammar Dalek Shirts will go on presale after I get back from SDCC.

Check out this board game my daughter and I made! You can download a PDF and play it with your kids.

FINALLY! I get to go where I was going to get with this storyline. I’ve had this planned since way back when Eli got booze-sickness. We haven’t seen Boxcar Pete, the hobo who talks like a pirate for some reason, in a LOOOONG time. What did he do to Eli? Did he harvest his organs and replace them with booze sponges? Yeah, probably. That’s probably it. Actually, seems like a pretty open and shut case when you think about the sponge thing.

I once interviewed for a job at a hypnosis center. Like a “stop smoking, lose weight” type of place. I was about 20 and I had no idea what the job was, but I knew rent was due and I was desperate. The owner basically told me it was all a scam and laid out how he tricked people into feeling good about giving him a lot of money whether they met their goals or not. I was supposed to go home and memorize a script, come back and start working the scam within a week a so. As shockingly broke as I was, I managed to throw away the script and never call them again.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever interview for or even taken a job where you KNEW some shady shit was going on? What finally made you leave? Are you still there?

Side Effects May Include

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

Show Us On The Trilogy Where George Hurt You - funny star wars t-shirt, george lucas shirt, star wars parody

Purell: Kills 99% of germs and rewrites 99% of your DNA!

I am still very sick and the things happening in and around my head are still quite horrible. It is as these moments that I reflect on how lucky I am to not have a real job. It used to infuriate me when I had to decide between staying home, losing money, getting shit from my boss, but actually getting well and going in to work no matter how ill I was in order to save face, impress my boss and not impact my finances. People get sick. I never understood the vilification of illness in the average American workplace. Every real job I’ve ever had has viewed getting sick as a form of betrayal, a character flaw or a lack of commitment. I once got sick the first week of a new job. It was a 24 hour virus that my wife (then girlfriend) got at the same time. Unspeakable terrors were exploding out of all available evacuation points with little to no warning and we only had one bathroom. It was a god damn nightmare. When I came back to work the next day my new boss told me that he strongly considered firing me right then and there, and that I should have come to work, thrown up to prove I was sick, then been sent home. He turned out to be a heroin addict, so… hey, whatever.

COMMENTERS: What’s the worst state you ever forced yourself to go to work in despite your better judgement? What’s the best “playing hooky” that you’ve ever pulled? Have you ever tried so hard NOT to get sick that you made yourself ill? Once I felt a cold coming on so I started eating vitamin-C like TicTacs. I had a crazy adverse reaction to an overdose of the stuff and had to go to the hospital. Then it happened again a few years later when I didn’t realize the cough drops I was sucking down by the bag full each contained “100% of my daily recommended dose of vitamin-C.” Considering that each time my entire body began swelling up in a freak-show maroon rash, I am now deathly afraid of anything that has more than a standard amount of C. If I even see an orange in a grocery store, I set the entire building on fire. It’s the only way to be sure.

Good news for Chicago Fancy Bastards: It looks like I will be at C2E2 again this year with the Blind Ferret crew. That’s one of my favorite shows of the year. I’ll post more details when things are finalized.

 

You Can’t Do That In My Sinuses

Sorry for the lack of comics last week, but the above panels pretty accurately (and rather unfortunately) illustrate what my life has been like for  7 or 8 days now. I thought I was just getting an allergy attack, but after several days it seems to have gained a malicious sentience and begun a full scale assault against my ability to not feel like a giant pile of undulating grossness. I assume that came across in the tone of the comic.

Nothing says, “I bought you some stuff from the Internet,” like buying people stuff from the Internet. 

The Doctor Is In T-Shirt, Funny Doctor Who Parody Shirt, Charlie Brown, Sci-Fi

I made the terrible mistake a few days ago of thinking, “I’m starting to feel a little less shitty, so I should get out of the house and have some fun!” I might as well have injected monkey pox straight into my eyeball. After my prematurely celebratory Friday night out I not only went back to sickness square one, but I seem to have super charged my cold/sinus infection/techno-organic anti-life virus into overdrive. Now, I’m basically sleeping all day and only waking every 12 hours or so to drain my face into a bucket. A sadness bucket. A sadness bucket full of hateful face juice. I am not kidding when I say this shit resembles Nickelodeon Gak in both color and consistency. I am scared that if I went to a doctor they would turn me over to the government, who would permanently detain me in an undisclosed location and harvest my mucus for spaceship fuel. Or at least industrial comet polish.

Ok, enough gross out, health related nonsense. When I was a kid I had a tub of Gak. I remember it smelling like burnt tires and carcinogens. It just reeked of petroleum and poison. I always wondered if the unpleasant odor lead them to develop “Smell My Gak.” I never saw that particular variation up close and personal, but I find it hard to believe that the “hot dog” scented variety was an improvement over the original recipe. I also get the impression that “Glow In The Dark Gak” was simply them giving up on trying to make Gak NOT glow in the dark. Like they had exhausted the world’s supply of cadmium attempting to mask Gak’s natural radioactive properties, so they had to introduce it as a feature.

I had grown too old for amorphous weaponized chemical gel-based non-toys by the time Floam and Sqand were introduced. I didn’t even realize that the “Here, kid, play with this biproduct of an industrial accident,” trend continued with products such as Smud, Gooze, Skweeez (with three E’s), and Zzand. SPUMG seems to fall right in line with these fine products. It’s terrible, it smells bad, it tastes worse, it’s is most definitely poisonous and you DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW IT IS MADE.

COMMENTERS: Continue the Nickelodeon product line! All you need is a few odd consonants and an improperly placed vowel or twelve. Something like SKROBZ. What does SKROBZ look like? How terrible does it feel? What is it supposed to do and HOW TERRIBLE DOES IT FEEL? Did you own any of the actual NICK family of chemical warfare play things? I had a GAK inflator. One time I made a stop motion movie using my friend’s camcorder of the GAK crawling out of its tub, oozing over to the inflator, blowing itself up then popping. In retrospect, I wonder if it was actually stop motion, or if I had simply managed to video the moment it became self aware.

A Slave To My Addiction

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts,  nerdy shirts

DO YOU SEE, INTERNET? MAKING COMICS FOR YOU IS KILLING ME!!!

At least that’s what a couple of trained medical professional types told me this week. I always find it odd that a chiropractor can run their fingers down your spine and go, “Oh, that’s the one. Need to pop that sucker back into place.” Seems like voodoo. I’ve had issues with a compressed disc in my lower back for a while, but now it seems I’ve hunched myself all the way over to full blown sciatica. If my posture were any worse I would be upside down.

As for my stupid eyes (or “look balls,” as they are never referred to), I assumed the constant pain, fatigue and twitching meant it was time for a new prescription. Following my standard plan, I waited 3 or 4 months after the symptoms started just to make sure. I like to be thorough. And negligent. Shockingly my scrip was the same as last year, so Dr. Eyeball (with a name like that, what other profession could he chose?) suggested I get reading glasses for making comics. I am officially falling apart bit by bit just to keep making stupid Internet butt-comics. At least I’ll die like I lived. Making stupid Internet butt-comics.

Here Lies Joel Watson
1981 – 2012
Beloved Husband, Father and Purveyor of Illustrated Dick Jokes
“OMG WTF LOL”

COMMENTERS: Please write your own tombstone eulogy, assuming you will die doing what you love (or at least what you spend most of your time doing ).

ANOTHER THING! Check out this fancy baby wearing a one of a kind HijiNKS ENSUE custom onesie. I drew this for a reader live during the last Dragon’s Lair Austin Webcomic Rampage panel.

A Barrage Of Clamorous Leakage

C2E2 IN CHICAGO IS THIS WEEKEND!!! I will be there with Randy [Something*Positive], Danielle [Girls With Slingshots] and David [Shortpacked & Dumbing Of Age]! Read more about it HERE.

EWOK STAAAAAARRREEEEEE!!!

Ewok Stare Shirt

THERE IS A NEW HE PODCAST!!! EPISODE 81 – DICK ISLAND

If you preordered HE Book 2, please read the updated shipping times on THIS PAGE.

Here’s a comic that is based on events so true, that to deny them would be to deny the fountain of mucus that is my head. DO NOT DENY IT! I must have some sort of baby blackhole in my sinus cavity that connects to a parallel universe made up entirely of sneeze-based lifeforms. If that last few days are any indication, their entire snot armada has entered our realm and soon we will be building nose-shaped sarcophagi for them to inhabit as they enslave the people of earth. I was positive that I had contracted a con-bug from Emerald City Comicon, especially after hearing that David Willis caught bronchitis. Every time I turned around that weekend he was either spitting into my coffee, licking my food or injecting me with vials of his own blood. Weird guy, that one. Now, I’m starting to think that I wasn’t sick at all and my allergies have leveled up. They’re like a 7th level Chaotic Evil Pollen Ragweed Mage that only rolls 20’s.

I am feeling slightly better today, so hopefully I will only be slightly leaking by the time I leave for Chicago on Thursday. My goal is to give you at least 1 more regular HE comic before I leave, then 2 awesome guest comics, followed by a regular HE, and maybe a LoFi to round out the week. As usual, the monday after a con will probably feature a series of con-sketches.