A Moment Of Realization

If you are waiting on your copy of HE Book 2, PLEASE READ THIS!!!

My wife reminded me that last week was the 3 year anniversary of The Experiment. Wow. I have no idea how that happened (or how it continues to happen every day). You can read more about The Experiment HERE, show your support by DONATING HERE or purchase something delightful for yourself HERE. You can also read my 2 year Experimentiversary write up HERE. Thanks again for allowing me to continue this wonderful and fulfilling job.

Oh yeah, I snuck in a Lo-Fi Comic HERE.

OMG this comic is so dumb. I’m sorry. Sometimes I get these horribly pointless ideas stuck in my head and I have to expunge them from my brains and onto your eyes, dearest Internet, before I can move on and grow as a person. A couple of nights ago I was watching TV and kept seeing two commercials. One about how kids HATE being forced to eat delicious Pop-Tarts and LOVE being forced to eat delicious, but infinitely more complicated Toaster Strudels. If there’s one thing I know about kids (having been one and currently being the owner of one), it’s that they DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want delicious, icing coated cake-pastries for breakfast… unless they are Toaster Strudels brand. They’re alway like, “AWWW MANNNN! Pop-Tarts again?! COCKS TO THAT! Gimme some’o those Toaster Strudels with the infuriating icing packet!”

The other commercial was about this vat covered in knobs and dials that you could cook an entire turkey in. It was like a crock-pot, but for turkeys. Somehow it was better than an oven. Maybe it’s one of those deals where you find yourself cooking 7 or 8 whole turkeys a week and need to free the oven up for less poultry endeavors.

Somehow or another those two adverts made a stupid commercial baby in my brain hole and now you can [enjoy?] it.

UPDATE: See the alternate facial expression for Josh’s “awakening” in this post in The Vault [subscribers only]. You can also download several different avatars for Josh’s face from the final panel.

Tags: bacon, food, ham

The Bovine Comedy

IMPORTANT HE BOOK 2 UPDATE: There are less than 25 Ultimate Fancy Editions of the book left and the files must be fully proofed and turned into the printer by Sunday 1/30/2011 or I will not have the book in time for my first conventions of the year. Once those last UFE’s are sold I will have covered 100% of the printing costs + enough to purchase shipping supplies, pay for shipping for all books (regular + UFE’s), and cover the costs of the prints, stickers and buttons for the UFE’s. Please help me make this thing a success. I am positive there are at least 25 of you Fancy Bastards out there that can help out.

BOOK 2 PROOFREADERS UPDATE: I received WAY MORE responses than I expected. I will select 3 of you (probably the ones with professional experience) and email you a PDF of the book (hopefully) before this weekend. THANKS!

True story: Josh once sold me a guitar for a Taco Bell taco. It was maybe the 3rd time I’d ever been to his apartment (circa 2001) and I was only there as a friend of a mutual friend. I showed up with my own dinner and revealed that the taco lady had given me a couple of extra tacos. Josh looked around his home, picked out the first thing that mattered less to him than the satisfaction of eating a taco at that exact moment (a crappy Jasmine acoustic guitar that was worth about $90) and offered it to me in trade. I probably would have just given it to him, but I distinctly remember him leading with “HERE! TAKE THIS GUITAR! YOU PLAY RIGHT? TAKE IT AND GIVE ME THAT TACO FOOD!” I kept that guitar until last year when one of machine heads broke and I decided to get rid of it via the Craig List.

Considering our friendship was essentially founded on “Meat Like Beef Substitute” served in a corn tortilla shell, I was sad to learn via Twitter that Josh IRL has lost his taste for The Bell. Something about it “making his stomach throw up into his intestines” is less appealing now than it was when we were younger men. I’m not sure a world where Josh hates Taco Bell is a world I want to live in.

Tags: food, science, taco bell

Not To Be Confused With Tres Leches

LAST WEEK FOR UFE’s + NAME IN THE BOOK!

The deadline for ordering the Ultimate Fancy Edition AND getting your name in the book on the Fancy Wall of Fancy Fame is January 15th!!!

Less than half of the 150 UFE’s remain! Show your support for HE and preorder the shit out of Book 2!

Four Loko caffeinated malt liquor is one of those cultural phenomenon’s that comes quickly onto the scene, takes the world of underage drinking by storm and rather than slowly fading away, it burns out in a blaze of glory.

[WARNING: Due to the high alcohol content Four Loko will burn out in an actual blaze of glory. Do not drink Four Loko near an open flame, or in a house with central heating. Four Loko is intended for novelty use only and is not considered “a consumable” under the regulations of the Food and Drug Administration. Due to its instability, unique chemical composition and potential off-world origin it is advised that you do not speak directly to Four Loko in anything louder than a whisper. Do not sing before, during or after drinking Four Loko as that the vibrations of your vocal chords coupled with Four Loko’s resonance frequency may trigger erratic behavior in felines, children and the elderly.]

Though it was recently all but banned by the FDA due to “the beverages’ combination of caffeine and alcohol [leading] to a ‘wide-awake drunk.’“, Four Loko, and drinks like it have found new life as “ethanol and other products.” Basically the shit was so toxic that they poured it into a diesel engine and the truck not only started but it gained sentience and now lives in a hollowed out mountain in New Mexico.

Though some would rather the drink be left alone, the FDA says “the caffeine can mask a person’s perception of intoxication, leading them to drink more than they typically would before passing out.” There’s a sublime beauty in this quote. Basically, they are saying that in order to save you from yourself, evolution has worked out a biological off-switch for those that consume more than their body weight in alcohol in an evening. If you are stupid enough to drink beyond your body’s tolerance level, it will simply remove you from the equation and go into forced hibernation. Four Loko looks at your biological imperative to survive and shouts a hearty and defiant, “WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND’A PUSSY?! WAKE UP AND DRINK MORE OF THIS POISONOUS SHIT!!!”

I imagine Four Loko’s secret forumla reads like the menu at a 24 hour Coffee Shop/Gas Station/Apothecary on The Moon: Caffeine, Pseudoephedrine, grain alcohol, scorpion venom, formaldehyde, and Indian Tiger Testosterone. Hey, if you aren’t allowed to pour what I assume is essentially the stuff the Army uses to clean tanks into your gullet, at least your Dodge 4X4 won’t go thirsty.

Tags: alcohol, food, four loko, science

Barmageddonbecue

Look, I’m sure there is actually some good (not great) barbecue in the Pacific Northwest but you have to give it to the South when we actually do something right. And there are two things we do better than anyone else: 1) racism and 2) barbecue. You might think you’ve had good barbecue up north but that’s like saying you fully understand the conflict in the middle east because you read Dune. You just don’t have a proper barometer by which to measure your meats (note: meats should always me measured with a properly calibrated, stainless steel meat barometer).

I say all of that not to offend my northern brothers, but to make myself feel better for living in Texas. It’s hot, bigoted, and really super crazy hot. Let me have the meats. That’s all I ask.

Though I do take full responsibility for possibly offending Seattle meat enthusiasts (the name of my L7 cover band), I do have to give credit for the idea that sparked this comic to Stephen “Stepto” Toulouse. He is a former fellow Dallasite, current Seattle transplant and the Director of Policy and Enforcement for Xbox LIVE. I think that means he wields a giant ban-hammer. I don’t really know for sure. Anyway, like most who leave the south for hipper pastures he soon learned that there are Texas Rangers posted in turrets all along the northern border of Texas who instantly shoot and kill (and occasionally roundhouse kick to death) anyone who tries to leave Texas with our barbecue secrets. The only Texan ever allowed to leave the state with “The Lonestar Rub” was Sam Houston and that was only so he could throw it in the face of Ohio Congressmen William Stanbery to blind him before he beat him to death with a hickory stick. We take this shit seriously, is all I’m saying.

Why do I tell you all of this? In order to tell you this:

IF YOU ARE IN DALLAS YOU MUST COME TO W00TSTOCK TONIGHT AT THE GRANADA THEATRE!

Those of you wise enough to head my call will witness performances by Adam Savage of Mythbusters, Paul and Storm, comedian Paul F. Tompkins (playing the part of Wil Wheaton), the aforementioned Stepto, Bill Amend, Molly Lewis, Jason Finn and possibly if not certainly additional surprises! Also, I will be there just hanging out! GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!

Tags: barbecue, food, seattle, stephen "stepto" toulouse, w00tstock