The Darkest Dip

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NEW PATREON REWARDS
AND GOALS!!!

 

Become a Patron now and you can help
me release more eBooks of my comics and
sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics,
an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF
THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST
, and MORE!

Check out my Patreon HERE.

This is definitely not something I’ve ever done and CERTAINLY NOT something I’ve ever strongly considered doing. Nope. I’m not gross at all. Not even a monster in the slightest. This is the kind of behavior that got Hidden Valley Ranch its name. These are things you keep secret; keep hidden. We do these things in the shadows and then we do not speak of them or make eye contact for a good while afterwards. These are the Days of Depressing Dressing. This is the time of Ruffle-ations. These are crimes for which we shall surely be judged, sentenced, executed and sour cream-ated.

When I market this product (a mixture of 80% ranch dip, 10% chip crumbles and 10% distilled “giving up,”) I plan to call it “CRANCH!” The slogan will be “GOTTA GET DAT CRANCH!” or “DON’T GET BETWEEN ME AND MY CRANCH!” or maybe “DON’T LOOK AT ME! DO NOT LOOK AT ME! TAKE THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE ROOM! I DON’T WANT THEM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS! DON’T WANT THE BOY TO SEE HIS FATHER REDUCED TO THIS! TO SEE ME DEBASE MYSELF IN THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD GO! JUST GO! LEAVE ME! I’VE DONE THIS TO MYSELF! I DESERVE TO BE ALONE! NOW GIMME DAT SWEET CRANCH!”

Look at these Harry Potter Owl Post Earrings, Doctor Who Dalek Earrings and Star Wars Lightsaber Earrings my wife made!

Sharksplode Harry Potter Earrings Dalek Earrings Lightsaber Star Wars Earrings

 

Look at them with your eyes, buy them with your hands and jam them into your ears!

Sleeper Agent

sharksplode-patreon-banner-200

NEW PATREON REWARDS
AND GOALS!!!

 

Become a Patron now and you can help
me release more eBooks of my comics and
sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics,
an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF
THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST
, and MORE!

Check out my Patreon HERE.

This is a horrifically disgusting true story that has happened to me at least twice. The first time, I did the math and it had been several months since I’d eaten popcorn. I was watching the first Hobbit movie (the least horrible of the three horrible Hobbit movies) at home when I originally ate the popcorn, and they were advertising the extended edition of the movie by the time the offending kernel was forcibly dislodged. It was the stuff of nightmares. Being a person is gross.

Look at these Harry Potter Owl Post Earrings, Doctor Who Dalek Earrings and Star Wars Lightsaber Earrings my wife made!

Sharksplode Harry Potter Earrings Dalek Earrings Lightsaber Star Wars Earrings

 

Look at them with your eyes, buy them with your hands and jam them into your ears!

Sharing Size

THIS ISN’T AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL COMIC ABOUT ME! SHUT UP! NO IT ISN’T! I’M NOT UGLY CRYING YOU’RE UGLY CRYING! YOU’RE THE ONE! YOOOOOOOU’RE THEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOONE!!! *ugly cries into a Nestle Cookies & Cream bar for 20 minutes

Remember like 5-10 years ago when a big bag of M&M’s was just a BIG BAG of M&M’s? It was just an option. A choice. Do I want some M&M’s or do I want some-and-a-half M&M’s? Now the slightly bigger bag of M&M’s has all this preloaded judgement and shame. First of all, it provides the nutritional information for one serving, then goes on to the describe the bag as something like two and a half servings. A bit of nearly impossible math later and you feel bad for wanting to eat 28 M&M’s instead of 11. Then, as the panels above suggest, the bag is labeled “Sharing Size.” This is a masterful one-two punch of shame. First, it implies that only a gross garbage monster would eat the entire bag in one sitting. THEN it goes on to imply that only a gross garbage monster with no friends would eat ANY amount of M&M’s alone! This bag isn’t for you! It’s for you AND your friends! Call them up, “Hey dudes! You got plans for tonight? NOT ANY MORE! I’ve got a Nestle Crunch bar that breaks into 4 pieces and explicitly states that it is to be shared with my buddies! You’ll bring the beer and the music? SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING CANDY BAR PARTY!!!”

“Sharing Size” is such a horseshit excuse. It’s a smokescreen; a cop-out that absolves the candy company from any wrong doing if you eat a million candy bars and die in a chocolate ditch. “We told him to share. Did he heed our words?” Big candy bars used to be called “King Size.” Some still carry this nomenclature and I prefer it by far. It’s the exact opposite of “Sharing Size.” “King Size” implies that I am the sole RULER of this candy bar, and under no obligation to parse it out to the peasants groveling in their own squalor in the mucky fields far beneath the chocolate tower that contains my delicious throne. “Oh, the serfs are unhappy, you say? Let them eat SHIT, cuz the candy is for THE KING! It says so right on the wrapper.”

Bananic Attack

As an husband and father, a good 40% of my time is spent throwing away fruit I just paid for, and bananas are the worst offender. Bananas are the avocados of the food world. They’re only ripe and fit for eating for 11 minutes and that’s usually longer than it takes you to get them home from the store. At minute 12, they’re soft. At minute 13, they’re brown. At minute 14, they’re a non-Newtonian liquid with properties similar to human plasma and dark matter. At minute 15 they briefly revert to a solid, but they’re 100% poison. After 16 minutes, it isn’t safe to be in the house with them. Do not even stare at them for too long as you may develop Bananaeye, so named for Professor James Bananaeye, the first scientist to identify and subsequently be molecularly destabilized by the condition.

HEY! Go check out the shirts and prints in my store! When you buy stuff there, I get to keep some of the money! Money I can then use to buy bananas to throw away!

We Can Be Happy Underground

NEWS:
[UPDATE 02/11/15] My new podcast Potter & Daughter is live now! You can download the first episode here or subscribe via RSS or iTunes (as of 2/12/15 the iTunes link is still waiting on Apple approval).

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Fancy Patreon Patrons get each episode a week early and can already download episode 2 HERE.

Here’s the description from the podcast website: 

Potter And Daughter is a Harry Potter themed podcast where Joel Watson (cartoonist, geek dad and creator of the online comic HijiNKS ENSUE) talked to his seven year old daughter, Lily, as she reads through the Harry Potter book series.

In each episode Joel and Lily cover about 1/4 to 1/3 of a book, discussing what happened, why it happened and what lessons Lily is learning from the books as she reads them. It’s part Cliff’s Notes and part cute and instrospective conversation between a father and daughter who love the same books for the same (and sometimes totally different) reasons.

RATING: Always safe for work and safe to share with your kids.

My daughter and I made it together, I’m really proud of it and I hope you enjoy it.

I’m pretty sure that’s the end of the Girl Scout Cookies storyline. What if my daughter wants to some day join the Girl Scouts? My own child, slinging those delectable discs of deceit?! Or is that the perfect solution? I could get the cookies I NEED straight from the source, without fear of judgement or reprisal. It would be like my very own little coconut dusted, chocolate drenched methadone clinic.

Is there an employee discount? Or would they just credit me for all the boxes I’ve already purchased and give me some sort of Ultimate Executive Black Level Multi-Platinum Cookie Commander Card that grants me free cookies for life? Any time I wandered up to a Girl Scout and said some code phrase like, “The VEGETABLE CART was OUT of ASPARAGUS,” they’d just slyly hand me 40 boxes in a brown paper bag. I know you get a card like that if you ever save the President’s life, but it’s only good at Subway and only after 5pm.