This is a 100% true story about the time my good friend, David Willis, gave me a boner with his brain. Well, technically he drew the cards with his hands, so… yeah, he basically straight up gave me a handy. Looks, all I know is he had a brain and some hands and then there was art and shame. What more is there in life? Absolutely nothing. You got your brainhands, and your artshame and that’s it.

Tuesday June 3rd is my birthday (I’m almost positive I’m turning 33). If you like to help me celebrate, please feel free to check out:

The Patreon is honestly the greatest thing you can do for me in terms of making sure I am still able to do HijiNKS ENSUE as my full time job. Otherwise, I’ll happily take an Internet high five via Twitter or Facebook.

COMMENTERS: What could I possibly ask you relating to this topic that wouldn’t bring on a bunch of things I don’t actually want to know? How about this: Have you ever become a fan of a friend? This happens A LOT in my line of work, but have you ever known an artist or musician or pornographer or comedian in real life that you are now a genuine fan of outside of your friendship?


I also made you this super cute Adventure Time/Doctor Who shirt. GO BUY IT! 


Get To The Crapper!

Alternate title: “I Ain’t Got Time To Pee”

100% true story from the very first con at which I ever exhibited (except David wasn’t actually there). Something about a pink human dick emerging between a Predator’s legs made it seems like either A) This Predator has a really small, really fucked up dick, or B) This Predator has eaten a human, and it’s attempting to escape out of the Predator’s vagina, dick first. YES there are lady Predators, you xenomisogynists.

At least a dozen of you DEMANDED that I make a shirt based on this comic, SO I DID. If I don’t sell at least a dozen I will brand the 12 of you as liars and scoundrels for time in perpetuity.


I also made you this super cute Adventure Time/Doctor Who shirt. GO BUY IT! 


I have 3 submissions for the Fancy Fan Art Contest. I NEED MORE! “But, Joel! I don’t know how to art!” you say? TOO BAD! YOU ARE NOT EXEMPT! Write a poem! Write a song! Bake a cake! Knit a scarf! The more creative the better! RULES, PRIZES AND DETAILS HERE. 

The most recent HijiNKS HANGOUT is archived HERE and features me, Mikey Neumann and Stepto trying to figure out where Star Trek Into Darkness fits into the “quality pantheon” of Star Trek films.

hijinks hangout 2 Star Trek Into Darkness - Screen Shot 2014-05-22 at 6.55.44 PM


A Load Of Bullshirt

UPDATE: You guys demanded it, so the Transformers shirt in the last panel is a real thing now. 


Of course comic Joel is reacting to the shirt he saw in THIS COMIC in the only way he knows how: with equal measures of drawing dumb stuff and righteous indignation. That’ll show the world.

COMMENTERS: What’s the most ignorant of offensive t-shirt you’ve ever seen? It doesn’t have to be within the context of geek culture, but that might help to keep things in context. Please don’t get into political tees. That will open up a whole thing I don’t really want to get into on this site. What about the most right on, inclusive or inspirational tee you’ve seen?

Fancy Patrons got to see this comic a day early (albeit in a rough draft fashion).


Not All Menswear

Hello new readers! I hope you are enjoying the comics. Please check out the ABOUT PAGE and then check out the ARCHIVE PAGE so you can see the different types of comics I’ve created and posted here over the years. You might also want to read about THE EXPERIMENT, follow me on TWITTER (and TUMBLR) or join our FANCY BASTARD FACEBOOK GROUP where we mostly talk about what’s currently on TV and other geekery.

I saw a parody of the now infamous Wondercon “Coffee shirt” that replaced the bottom line with “I’m terrified of coffee.” It’s frustrating when the internet gets upset over the typical depiction of the “Standard North American Fedora (yes, I know the hat is called a Tribly. The PERSON IN THE HAT is called a Fedora.),” with their half-formed mustaches, their intense and undeserved overconfidence about their hysterically shitty opinions and their  general obliviousness to why everyone is always trying to escape their orbit. This is not a stereotype. This is a fixture of the world in which I have chosen to make my home and ply my trade. Mysogyny is real, it is rampant in comics and geek culture and it’s a fucking cancer on an otherwise lovely and inclusive corner of The Internet/real world.

The comics I grew up on, and honestly most all of the comics that preceded them… well, shit, and MOST all of the comics today, fed and continue to feed this systemic malfunction like dry brush to the fire. You don’t have to read many super hero books to wonder why “men” raised on them have a skewed view of a woman’s value and place in the world. The super men were/are just as laughable, but their portrayal is far less damaging. Despite being impossibly muscled murder machines and one-liner factories, at least they had stuff to do. At least they were more than a pair of super powered quadruple F titties, hovering above 8 pack abs, wrapped around a 12″ waste. Granted, they weren’t MUCH more, but they were more.

I will admit that I haven’t regularly read a super hero book in about 15 years. I’ll pick up the occasional trade or one shot, but the genre as a whole doesn’t do much for me. I guess, I don’t really know the current state of things. I know what I see at conventions, which is exactly what I remember from my childhood. I’ve kept up with the new Buffy comics (seasons 8, 9 and the current season 10), which certainly break the mold in terms of how super powered women are portrayed. Though Buffy (in whatever incarnation) has always done that, so color me not surprised (though still delighted).

COMMENTERS: Ladies: Do you feel welcomed in the world of comics and conventions? What aspects of geekdom have brought you into the fold? What still needs to change? Which books/titles/fandoms are the most inclusive and accurate in their portrayal of women?

Men: When did you realize that super hero comics were sort of misogynist and fucked up? Was it Frank Miller? I bet it was Frank Miller.

The next Patron-ONLY Google Hangout is Wednesday night, May 13th at 9pm central. I will post the link in the Patreon Activity feed when it goes live. We’ll talk and I’ll draw. It’s a good time!



A reader emailed me one time and said they wanted to donate a Bitcoin to me. At the time they were worth around $160 of non-pretend (but, honestly, ACTUALLY pretend) US currency. I replied back stating that I was not a robot, and did not have a data port installed for cryptocurrency upload, nor did I understand how to convert a gifted Bitcoin into, say, an Amazon gift card or something besides an abstract digital concept. That reader never replied. Now Bitcoins are worth several times what they were back then, but still no one has figured out how to spend them.

As far as I understand, Bitcoins are like if you could spend your Twitter followers. Which means Dogecoins are like if your job payed you in upvotes. Actually Dogecoins, a silly joke currency for digital laughs and dogeital ha ha’s, are now  apparently real money, so I guess we just aren’t taking the concept of currency seriously anymore as a species. Whatever man. Do what you want, I guess. “Live and let spiral helplessly into gullible digital financial ruin,” is what I always say.

COMMENTERS: I suppose everything you see on the Internet is currency now. Please make up your own Internet trope or meme-based monies in the comments. Also, please let me know if you’ve ever successfully earned, kept and spent a Bitcoin. HOW DO YOU EVEN DO IT?

Patrons got to read this comic (in a half finished state) a day early.