A Dramatic Recreation


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Poor Mel Gibson. The media has really blown his rampant Jew-hating, misogyny, n-word using (they run in packs now?) and general horribleness out of proportion. Give him a break. He’s only human. A despicable, racist, hate-filled human.

I hope you (those of you in the US) exercised your right to make explosions for freedom yesterday. My wife and I took our 3 year old daughter out into the sticks and left her there with nothing but a hatchet and a compass. If she finds her way home she will get her medicine name and be recognized at the tribal council. Wait. No. We took her out there to explode things because that’s what George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and the other one would have wanted (there were 3 founding fathers right?).

Saturday night was our first attempt at explosiberty, which was thwarted (I shit you not) by a stray cow in the road which attracted a cop. The cop, in the midst of all her shooing and “YAH! GET!”ing of the wayward bovine, noticed us and informed us that though there were 400 fireworks stands along the highway there was ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE within 100 miles that we could utilize them for their intended purpose. We then drove a few miles down a darker, scarier more “dueling banjos” type of road and sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” while our daughter made air circles with sparklers.

Sunday night we met a friend and his daughter and went to our town’s fireworks display shindig by the lake. The airborne explosives were as majestic as the cover band playing that night was awful (they were majestically awful).

Special thanks to Fancy Bastard @Hermetic for suggesting the name of Eli’s firework.

Update: Mel Gibson Admits to Hitting Ex on Tape

Get Off On BK’s

This comic is either about Patrick Stewart getting knighted, or shoes from the 90’s. You decide.

When you look at the list of celebrities the Queen of England has chosen to bestow the honour of Knighthood on, you either get the impression that she’s a “Gotta Catch ‘Em All!” type collector of geek pop culture figureheads, or she is planning the most amazing party of all time. Of the few I mention in panel two (above) you actually get more than twice the Knightly value for your Queenly dollar (or pound). You pay for Bond, Gandalf, Saruman, Alfred and the good Captain of the Enterprise D/E, and you get Henry Jones Sr., Magneto the master of magnetism, a Sith Lord, Austin Powers’ dad and Professor X for free!

[Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!! There is also a PRINT of this design too!]

SciFi SyFy Tv-Movie Title Generator Shirt

As far as party entertainment goes you’ve got your all star band featuring a be-Donald-Duck-suited Elton John, Paul “The Walrus” “The Paulrus” McCartney, Brian May the noted astrophysicist who also happens to be the guitar god from Queen, some guy named Boner… Bonner… Bono (whatever, I’ve never heard of him) and at least a couple of guys from either The Who or Pink Floyd or BOTH who probably aren’t dead yet. She might not be planning a party. She might be planning the end of the world.

I also find it highly suspect that she picks her knew Knights on her birthday. It reminds me of Francis from PeeWee’s Big Adventure. Like she walks up to a noted entertainer’s manager and says “I will have this one for my collection. Wrap him up and deliver him to the palace with bow on his head and a dusting a baby powder on his nethers.”

Hell, even Steven Spielberg‘s an honorary Knight (you can’t go full armor and chain-male if you weren’t born in Britain). Maybe she wants him to document “The Final Party” for… well, I guess no one would be left. Maybe for whoever cleans up the mess. Let’s say the French.

Considering the general level of geekery at The Round Table, it gets even weirder when you look at the lower honours like Commander and Officer. She’s got Serenity‘s Operative Chiwetel Ejiofor, Liam “I play a Jedi or a bad ass in every movie” Neeson, Michael Palin and  J.R.R. Tolkien. Is the Queen a closet nerd? Is she wearing out VHS tapes of old Python sketches, and reading “The Return Of The King” while listening to “Bicycle Race” on 45?

Whatever her grand scheme is I think she is overlooking two valuable additions to her roster of Britain’s finest. Christian Bale and Daniel Day-Lewis. I don’t think I owe an explanation for either of those other than to mask my geek boner with a text book or a jacket. My man-crushes on these man-men are the man-crushes of humanity. Perhaps she is saving them for her final two Knight… holes… slots? Her final Knight slots. Once all holes… slots are filled, the moon will crack to reveal its hollow core which contains an orbital disco ball only slight smaller than the moon itself. The sun’s rays will hit its hundreds of thousands of tiny mirrors and the people of earth will dance as the super intense reflected light rays render our gyrating booties to naught but smoldering ash. I hope she serves scones.

Mr. Fish Goes To Washington

After listening to Kevin Costner testify about how he would fix the Gulf oil spill, I kind of get the impression he bought a “Magnificent Oil Machine” kit out of the back of a Boy’s Life magazine. Though I can see him, gills clogged with syrupy crude, clutching sea turtles in his webbed toes and sea-shepherding them to safety. It’s a tough life for The Mariner. He is more at home with the dolphins and giant mutated sea turtles (it turns out he wasn’t actually able to save them) than he is with humans. His only comfort is that in the ocean, no one can see you cry.

So how is it that actors go about getting face time with congress? Is there a special clip board somewhere in Washington they just have to sign up on?

Name: Costner, Kevin
Occupation: Actor, Director, Ichthyosapien, Amateur Science Enthusiast
Reason for addressing Congress: I bought a patent for a macine that eats water and oil (mixed) and craps water and oil (separated)

Even James Cameron proposed shooting arrows tipped with Unobtanium at the gushing pipeline or some such. That’s an imaginative idea. He should make movies. My challenge to you: How would a particular actor/celebrity solve the oil spill crisis? Perhaps Morgan Freeman could narrate as Tim Robbins crawled through the pipeline with a very large bag of clean clothes tied to his ankle.

SciFi SyFy Tv-Movie Title Generator Shirt

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

There is also a PRINT of this design too!

Just When I Thought I Was Out…


SciFi SyFy Tv-Movie Title Generator Shirt

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

There is also a PRINT of this design too!

I wrote this comic right after the Fringe season 2 finale last week, but it was unfortunately preempted by a couple of LOST comics. This is really a shame because part of my job is to relate to you, gentle Fancy Bastard, what I think is worthy of your geeky time, attention and monies. And though the point of deciding between the two series is rendered moot by the completion of one of them (LOST SPOILERS: Everyone dies! No really. Everyone. You, me, everyone eventually dies), Fringe is the one scifi show above all others currently in production that I can say, “IF YOU AREN’T WATCHING IT, YOU SHOULD BE!” It is by far the most satisfying science fiction on TV.

My Award Has A First Name

If you follow me on Twitter, you may know that my mom was in a really bad car accident yesterday. I ended up spending all night in the hospital and came home to get some rest about 2am this morning. I’m headed back to the hospital now. She is doing well, but she needs to have surgery for a compound fracture in her thumb. Please send positive thoughts our way and excuse the lack of comic updates this week.

I assume I will still be at Emerald City Comic Con this weekend if she is already home and recovering.

If you are in Seattle and would be interested in a reader meetup this weekend, comment below.

Upcoming Appearances!!!

Emerald City Comic-Con
March 13-14 @ The Washington State Convention Center in Seattle, WA