Just Before The Dawn

Ewok Stare Shirts at Topatoco!

Ewok Stare Shirt

I know this comic doesn’t make any sense. At Shitty Movie night at Josh IRL’s house we watched Mutant Zombie Vampires From The ‘Hood, starring one Mr. C. Thomas Howell. During a particularly unsexy “sex” scene featuring Mr. Howell I yelled out Josh’s lines from panels 2 and 3 above. Those familiar with Howell’s work in Red Dawn should be somewhat less perplexed than those who aren’t. The aforementioned 98% of you that aren’t should feel free to remain confused and keep making that face. Yes. That’s the one.

MZVFTH would be an excellent Shitty Movie Night flick if not for two major drawbacks: 1) The dialog is almost completely inaudible. While this doesn’t normally affect your potential enjoyment of this type of movie, it gets old really quick. Especially because the gun shot sound effects (both of them) are played at ear splitting levels roughly 100,000 times over 90 minutes. And 2) The film does not contain the titular vampires. It seems to contain mutants which could be construed as zombies, actual zombies, and possibly even mutant zombies. But it doesn’t contain any sort of vampire. Though the characters do occasionally refer to the zombies as vampires for no discernable reason. This is just false advertising on the part of the film makers and I won’t stand for it.

Let’s get back to C. Thomas Howell. As a youth he starred in Red Dawn, a film about the Russians attacking U.S. soil at the end of the cold war and being defeated by a rag-tag group of kids, and Soul Man, possibly the only film made after 1948 to feature a main character in black-face. The old saying must be true. Once you go black-face, you never come back-face. Because after Soul Man, Howell’s career took a bit of a nose dive. He didn’t work less, so to speak. In fact the quantity of his output skyrocketed. The quality? Not so much. Though the film he is best known for, Red Dawn, is getting a big budget Hollywood remake for a 2011 release. If you ask me, they should of gone for the gusto and remade Soul Man, but this time instead of a white guy pretending to be a black man they could do a couple of black guys pretending to be whiteOMG WHITE CHICKS THE WAYANSES ALREADY DID THAT BLUGHLBLUGHLBLUGHL. Never mind.

Bantha’s In The Belfry

Ewok Stare T-Shirt Close Up

There are about 30 Ultimate Fancy Editions of HE Book 2 left and selling them ALL is super important in order for me to afford the full print run without having to go into the red. Order soon and you can still get your name in the book on the Fancy Bastard Wall of Fancy Fame. Once the final file goes to the printer (a few days, maybe more) that won’t be an option.

Just to clarify, when I say Midi-Chlorians I am, of course, referring to “Musical Instrument Digital Interface Chlorians.”

So either George Lucas recently Netflix’d Roland Emmerich’s 2012 and thought he was watching a documentary or he actually believes in the Mayan 2012ocalypse. Either way he’s a fool. A damned fool with a fleshy fanny pack strapped to his chin that he calls a neck. I assume it is either used to store nutrition for the long, harsh winters on Hoth or contains dozens of Admiral Ackbar action figures.

COMMENTERS: So what is Lucas up to? Is this just a ploy to sell a another special “Get It Before The End Of Days” edition of Star Wars on Blu-Ray? If he really does believe this horsecockery, what is his escape plan? Carbon freeze to ride out doomsday? Escape to Dagobah? Post your theories below!

Behold A Pale Horse

This is your LAST WEEK to order an Ultimate Fancy Edition of Book 2 AND get your name in the book. Files go to the printer on January 15th. After that you will still be able to order a UFE but you will NOT necessarily be listed in the book on the Fancy Bastard Wall Of Fancy Fame.

Don’t want a stupid book? Check out The HE Store!

The producers of the Harry Potter movie franchise made Tom Felton stay inhumanly blond and inconceivably pale for nearly half his life in order to better serve his character. Though he is now allowed to have his natural hair color and get a little sun, the darkness instilled in him by playing Draco Malfoy for so long has consumed his very soul beyond restoration. He is an agent of pure evil. He’s also a bit of a prissy twat. It is up to Daniel Radcliffe to kill him now. Neither can live while the other survives.

It’s Time To Light The Lights

Get your HijiNKS ENSUE Book 2 Preoder on! GO HERE NOW! Over 1/4 of the Ultimate Fancy Editions are already gone!

TEXAS FANCY BASTARDS: Come to Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage in Austin this weekend and hang out with me, David, Danielle, Randy, Jeph, Bill, and  Josh.

Preorder HijiNKS ENSUE Vol 2! Go ahead and make 1000 vagina jokes right now and just get it out of your system. The Beaver? Seriously? They might as well have called it Meet The Vulvas. I watched the trailer, and personally I don’t think running around elbow deep inside the border line of a beaver is the best way to shake his violent, misogynist image. It’s a very mixed metaphor for Mel to be sending. I wonder if Jodie Foster, who’s directing the beaver as well as this movie (ba-dum DUM!) had to explain to Mel that his costar was a puppet and thus couldn’t blow him for the right to share screen time with him. I wonder if that dissuaded him in the least from violating the felt buck teeth right out of that beaver’s head.

Also, the idea that people inside or outside of Hollywood still support Mel Gibson after he came out to the world as a hateful, violent, racist, wife-beating Class-A buttdouche is just appalling. It’s a symptom of the cancer of apathy that is eroding the concience of America. “Well, he didn’t threaten to beat ME in the head with a baseball bat, so gimme two tickets to that Beaver show, one’o those 164 oz. diet sodas, a clawfoot bathtub full’0 butter toppin’ and some popkurns to dip up in it.”

If you want something from the HE Store before Dec 24th, you should read this message from Topatoco:Continue reading

Hulk: El Hombre Increíble

UPDATE: Or maybe this didn’t happen at all.

In the same week it was announced that former TV Hulk, Lou “The Ferrigs” Ferrigno, was joining Steven “Fat Karate” Seagal in the Arizona Anti-Illegal Immigration Marauder Posse Squad Strike Force Delta, AND that Guillermo “The Most Mexican Director In Hollywood” del Toro would be bringing a new Hulk TV series to ABC.

Keep Your Laws Off My Ovipositor T-ShirtI can put up with a lot of things, but brand disparity among individuals loosely affiliated with the same fictional property is ALWAYS where I draw the line. I guess. Come on, The Incredible Hulk Franchise. Pro-Mexican or Anti-Mexican? Pick a side. We’re at war.

Is it just me, or does this story make it seem like Steven Seagal actually is the character he played in Robert Rodriguez’s Machete? Pro-tip for illegals trying to sneak past Lou Ferrigno at the border: he’s partially deaf. Stay behind him and be very, very quiet. If he catches you in a sleeper hold, it’s lights out.

For those unfamiliar with Eli’s Vespa-riding doppleganger, it is his friend Alex. He last appeared in THIS COMIC taking Eli’s place after Eli asked for too much imaginary comic money.

COMMENTERS: This whole thing just screams, “set up for a reality show.” Name the show, come up with the tagline, and/or give us an episode synopsis. I’ll get you started:

“Bean Counters with Lou Ferrigno and Steven Seagal! We’re taking these illegals back to brown-town!”