Kirby Krackle

PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE WHUUUUUUUT?!?!? sharksplode-t-shirt-porta-john-smith-1

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is technically over, but until the plug is pulled (today? tomorrow?) you can probably still get some cheap books and shirts HERE. I’m really sorry about the high shipping prices many Fancy Bastards have been telling me about encountering in the store. That basically defeats the purpose of having a blowout sale, doesn’t it? Oh well. I still really appreciate the support for the sale and I promise when the new, improved store opens (hopefully later this week), there will be no such problems with insane shipping prices.

Pacman Necklace on Etsy


Today is my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Eli (IRL)’s cat, Kirby (or is it Kurby? Who cares?) weighs somewhere between 30 lbs and 1/4 the mass of a neutron star. Rather than beg for food, he will usually just scoot himself into a area where food is likely to fall, and lay there, upside down, mouth agape for hours. He’s like a feline filter feeder, just floating through the ocean that is Eli’s home, allowing bits of cheese and sausage to get caught in his kitty baleen. What a giant piece of shit.

COMMENTERS: Why are cat’s such giant pieces of shit? How do your cats let you know that your sole purpose in this life is to service them? Are you a piece of furniture to them? A scratching post? A method by which food is delivered? What?! You say your cats AREN’T total assholes? Those, my delusional friend ARE NOT cats. Those are either unusually large guinea pigs or rare, african land otters.

Comments (46)

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I feel like this is a perfect cat eulogy.
my mother has a cat that loves black pants and black shirts. Despite our best efforts yesterday, she needed to sit as close as possible to us because we had black shirts on for a photo shoot. i think somewhere in her cat mind, she probably said “yes, shed on the black shirts!”
Is that mustard sauce she is feeding the cat? Feed it mouse-tard sauce. Cats love mousetard sauce. They also love mewnnaise!
DuckAmuck's avatar

DuckAmuck · 90 weeks ago

We just moved (less than a month ago) and the trials of Nuku-Nuku (the old cat) vs. The House have been completely entertaining.
She’s still way too scaredy to be an asshole, mostly. She lets us know that she trusts us – we wouldn’t let the dogs next door eat her – and that she needs us – to protect her from the traffic in the street for some reason – and that I’m furniture that feeds her.
I’m allergic to cats AND THEY KNOW IT so they like to come up to me and wrap themselves around me and purr and cuddle my face. It doesn’t matter how stand-offish or hostile a cat normally is. I enter the room and they are all over me.


3 replies · active 90 weeks ago

I think both of those are spot on assessments.

I really love cats, but I don’t love asthma attacks and swollen runny eyes.

They can smell your weakness.
You’re doing a great job making Eli and Co strong and interesting characters 😀

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that from someone else’s perspective.
Today’s comic was fantastic! I laughed over the cat falling into Joel’s lap, the drank 5 beers comment and the cat being fed cheese wiz! Lots of fun today!

However, I like cats. Because they ARE a$$holes! 😉

Trish's avatar

Trish · 90 weeks ago

I don’t trust any living creature that isn’t an asshole at least part of the time. Which is why I’m a cat person and not a dog person, and which also explains my choice of friends…
Dave's avatar

Dave · 90 weeks ago

The great Terry Pratchett once wrote a bit on the matter.
“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty cruel little bastards they really are. Style, that’s what people remember”
“In ancient times Cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.”

2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

Actual LOL from the Pratchett quote.
StephC's avatar

StephC · 90 weeks ago

This is too much like my dad and Tippy. That cat is a medicine ball with legs (he’s a heavy bastard). The last three panels are *exactly* what the interactions between Dad and Tippy are like… just add more swearing.
Most of my other cats are supreme assholes. Two of my girls will launch themselves from 7-8 feet away and land on your shoulder while you’re doing something, then they’ll start to lose their balance and grab onto you with every single claw.
PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

We used to foster cats for the Humane Society, but my husband is terrible at fostering and wants to keep all the kitties, so now we have SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.

They are all sometimes assholes, but also adorable and snuggly and hilarious, so tolerable.

3 replies · active 90 weeks ago

And when they find your bodies, the headlines will also read, “SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.” When I was younger we had a friend of the family that was a sort of surrogate grandmother to me. She lived out in the woods and had 21… TWENTY ONE feral cats that lived on her property. She’d go to the back porch and cry, “BAAAAAAABIIIIIIES!” and twenty fucking one cats would come running out of the trees and bushes and get their food. One of them, named Hobbes, had deformed front paws and hopped on his back feet like a rabbit.
lou's avatar

lou · 90 weeks ago

Seven! Seven cats! Ah ah ah ah ah!
PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

I have no doubts we would have 21 cats along with a pack of rescued greyhounds if we had a larger property, but we live in a 3-level townhouse, so yeah, seven is still a ridiculous number.

Luckily, my husband is a clean-freak, so no one would ever guess we had 7 cats.

that cat most likely died on his lap…

Anyway, my cat–which is only about a few months old–likes to to to where we keep the cat treats and beg for one even though there aren’t any, stare outside like she’s still in heat and go near electronics like their scratching posts even after repeated warnings and sprayings

seriously's avatar

seriously · 90 weeks ago

Why are cats such giant pieces of shit? For much the same reason babies and little kids are, they don’t know any better and are too cute to boot across the room.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

Karen's avatar

Karen · 90 weeks ago

My big fat cat, Boober, is known for being an asshole. People would come to feed him if we were gone and have to face 20 lbs of pissed off cat. He even cornered someone on the stairs once and they had to fight him off with a bag of used litter.
Looks like that pussy….

*puts on sunglasses*

…totally wrecked your dick.


1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

I like kittens, but I don’t like the fact that they grow up to be cats.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

lurkie's avatar

lurkie · 90 weeks ago

The trouble with a kitten is that
eventually it becomes a cat.
Ogden Nash
Tom327Cat's avatar

Tom327Cat · 90 weeks ago

Cats exist to be the purpose of squirt guns.
UnderTheDark's avatar

UnderTheDark · 90 weeks ago

Panel 4 EXACTLY expresses how it feels to have a CatBeast pile-drive into your sensitive areas! One of my cats loves to pick up speed on the floor, launch herself directly at my internal organs, and use the accumulated ricochet force/agony to power a giant LEAP at my other cat’s face :S
LawWren's avatar

LawWren · 90 weeks ago

I am a cat person. Especially evil, asshole cats. I have one that is well over 20 lbs and she knows that she is the queen and treats us all as her servants.

Recently, while visiting a friends house, I stumbled upon her roommate’s even bigger cat and was told, “Don’t touch him, he’s the Devil.” I can’t stay away from any animals though and had to reach in and scratch his ears. He followed me around the rest of my visit and wanted pettings every chance he got.

Cats can tell a friend when they see one.

Candace's avatar

Candace · 90 weeks ago

We used to have a completely declawed Siamese that was the sweetest cat that ever lived, sweeter even than many dogs. He loved everybody and was very affectionate.

OTOH, one of our cats we have now started out as a juvenile delinquent, and is now working on being a grouchy old man. He can be really sweet and cuddly and funny when he wants to, other times he’s out for blood. He’s like a cat version of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Our other cat is bitchy to the other pets, but very sweet to us.

Just goes to show not all cats are assholes, and most of them are not assholes all the time. They are damn entertaining, though, in any case. I laughed my a** off at the fourth frame, because cats do seem to have a talent for finding sensitive areas and stomping or clawing them.

And “Also here is the floor…” The last frame is up there with “All. All beer.” 😀

neph sy's avatar

neph sy · 90 weeks ago

I’ve owned two cats, and while they weren’t perfect, they were sweethearts who did not destroy or beg for food except near their scheduled feeding times.

Compare the contant trail of destructions by my sisters Pugs;
vomiting, defecating, and whizzing into shoes, chewing on shoes.
One pug will find any possible way to get food; he will pull tablecloths off the table, open the fridge, find his way into all kinds of garbage cans. One he got into the lazy susan cupboard and ate a bag of flour. He’s eats bars of soap and has even eaten rat poison and chocolate, and had to had his stomach pumped.

lou's avatar

lou · 90 weeks ago

I don’t really have a pet cat myself, but my street is the home to a cat (who’s someone else’s pet, but he roams around at will) that we call Patrol Cat. At various times of day, I’ll see him stalking the vineyard across the street from my house for varmints to eat, and sometimes I’ll catch him lounging on the sidewalk, catching some sun, and I’ll give him a belly rub. Is it wrong to just give him food from my kitchen?

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

lou's avatar

lou · 90 weeks ago

Oh, I almost forgot: happy birthday to the missus! And I love the new direction you’re taking the strip!
And in answer to that question about movies that described the decades they premiered from a few strips ago, I thought of another ’90’s movie: PCU. I just watched it again on VH1 of all channels, and it’s just so damn funny!
Kylie's avatar

Kylie · 90 weeks ago

My cat knows that when the alarm goes off, he gets food. He doesn’t think I move fast enough though so he starts pushing everything off the bedside table – mobiles, lamps, glasses of water. He actually hit one so hard the other day it smashed me in the face.

Little shit

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

Yeah, we have one of those, except she doesn’t wait for the alarm. Sometime between 5am & 7am is magic wake-up time, every day.
Missmushu's avatar

Missmushu · 90 weeks ago

I have two cats; both of whom follow me around the house waiting for me to become stationary. The moment I sit or, gods forbid, lie down…they both perch inches from my face and stare at me like Hypno-toads. I get the distinct impression that they don’t so much love me as they are waiting for me to die so they can eat my face.


The JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 Fundraiser signed, numbered, limited print is up for sale!  Around 20/100 are already gone. I am also offering 11×17 Prints of some of my most popular comics/images and packs of themed comics for this fundraiser. As Jack said, “WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE BOAT!” or island… or whatever.

Info about and holiday shipping deadlines for various HE-type merchandise IS HERE.

My house is an asshole factory that exclusively produces cats. One of our top of the line models is Replay (pictured above). I watched him do exactly what you see in this comic not but a few months ago. He is a horrific dickhead. Not to be outdone, our other ass…cat, Tivo (he hates commercials and nearly everything else except for my wife), often stick his head in hit litter box while shitting right on the floor. That’s the cat equivalent of walking into a public restroom, saying, “Yup. Smells like shit,” dropping your pants and making dump times right next to the paper towel dispenser. When he was younger he would eat long pieces of string (say from a balloon) and sometime in the next day or two he would exit his litter box dragging poop sausages behind him. When they became detached me called them “poopchucks.”

The point is, cats are terrible assholes.

COMMENTERS: Is your cat a terrible asshole? How so? If you say they aren’t I’ll just know that A) You’re lying or B) You don’t have a cat and/or have never seen a cat.

Catches Fleas Just Like Flies

The Fancy Sketch Drive ends on Wednesday 7/11/12!

San Diego Comic-Con is this week! I will be hanging out at booth 1332 with Blind Ferret. Check my Twitter for signing times and availability. More info HERE.

Grammar Dalek Shirts will go on presale after I get back from SDCC.

Big thanks to Mark Waid of Daredevil and Thrillbent for the shout out to HE at the end of this Onion AV Club interview about digital comics.

This comic was inspired by and features the second appearance of my cat, Replay. [UPDATE: Fancy Bastard Stephen found another instance of Replay in the comic archive.] My other, stupider cat’s name is Tivo. They both hate commercials. The title is derived from how my daughter actually sang the theme song to the 60’s Spider-Man cartoon show when she was 4 years old. It seemed oddly appropriate.

I wrote up a bunch of thoughts on Twitter about The Amazing Spider-Man after seeing the movie. Rather than paraphrase, I am just going to post it all below. COMMENTERS: Feel free to post your thoughts on ASM in the comments. I would say, “No spoilers,” but how can you spoil a story that’s been told 100 times over the last 50 years? [words in blue are from Twitter followers]

  • Saw Amazing Spider-Man. Sam Raimi’s Spider is to Tim Burton’s Batman as ASM is to Batman Begins.
  • That isn’t to say that it’s vastly superior. Raimi and Burton’s movies we’re 90’s era comics come to life. ASM and BB are more grounded.
  • Raimi and Burton were all about spectacle and showmanship. ASM and Bat-Nolan are all about characters.
  • Spider-Man and Batman had strikingly similar arcs in the first 3 movies. Good, better, FUCKING BAT COUNTRY.
  • @hijinksensue That’s exactly how I feel about Raimi’s films. They’re live-action cartoons. They’re fun, but don’t hold up 10 years later.
  • yeah they are very time capsulesque. Beyond their era they stick out like a sore thumb.
  • .@imariaprime I don’t think there was “filler” in ASM, but it was tough to sit through Spiderman’s origin story for 40 min AGAIN.
  • They tweaked the origin enough to keep it familiar but fresh but sitting there waiting for Uncle Ben to give the speech and die was tough.
  • But they HAVE to cover that ground to allow the new trilogy to stand on its own. Can’t skip straight to the sequel.
  • Ok nevermind. They could have spent 15 minutes recapping or streamlining the origin.
  • As far as actors go, Garfield blew McGuire out of the water.
  • @hijinksensue was never a fan of maguire as peter Parker. Although that could have something to do with how badly he was written
  • @OfDoomReview wife and I had the same conversation tonight. You can only work with what you’re given.
  • Also happy to report that the annoying things about the costume in ASM aren’t nearly as noticeable in the actual film as in the press photos
  • You never even see the magic silver slippers. The basketball texture is still weird but not as detestable as I was expecting.
  • @Noahsturdevant since his name was tossed around, Gyllenhaal would have made a better Spiderman than McGuire.
  • And Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy? Let’s just say I wouldn’t throw HER off a bridge to her death. #what #noidea

Agua No Potable

I was trying to work the word “MARSgarita” into this comic. I think I’m pretty dead on with my predictions for the fate of the red planet. All’s I’m saying is if space had a South, Mars would be South of Earth. Check back with me in 50 years and let’s see if I’m right.

Maybe a “Border Dome” that encapsulates Earth could prevent the influx of cheap, skilled Martian labor. How else might Mars be like Mexico? You tell me.

**Context Clues**

BONUS VAULT CONTENT: I’m adding the original script for this comic to “The Vault so you can see what it’s like when I have an idea that just doesn’t pan out, and gain a little insight into the HE writing process (if you are interested in that sort of thing). A small donation gets you access to all of the desktops and behind the scenes content on The Vault.

The Host’s Lament

Despite what this comic would lead you to believe (who writes this thing anyway?), my birthday party was a smashing success. Thanks in part to the Fancy Bastards who shared in the festivities via live video stream. It was pretty amazing feeling like there were dozens of people watching the shitty movies with us.

Thanks to everyone that came in person and every one else that interwebbed the trons.

Today’s comic is the first one I ever live streamed as it was created. The Fancy Bastards kept me entertained and focused for 7 hours as this thing came together.

You can see videos of “The HijiNKS Ensue Webcomicocalypse” here. I’ll try and edit them together then speed them up for a time lapse type of thing later (assuming I can download them from Ustream).