What Lies Beneath

hijinks-ensue-january-2015-book-sale-2UPDATE: ONE(ish) WEEKS LEFT! THEN THEY’RE GONE GONE GONE!!!

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

POTTER AND DAUGHTER IS NIGH! The Harry Potter podcast I’ve been recording with my daughter is dangerously close to getting released (when my Patreon reaches $1750). Read more about it here.

COMMENTERS: Why do some of you pretend all cats are not evil? Why do you lie? Does your cat have information on you that you don’t want getting out? Does it have a member of your family hidden beneath the floor boards or trapped inside its cat tree? Do you need help? If you need help, blink three times. If the cat has already chewed off your eyelids to prevent blinking, try screaming hysterically, “OH GOD OH FUCK OH NO THE CAT OHHHH GAAAAAAAHD MY EYES THE CAT HAS OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT HAS IT DONNNNNNE?!?! WHAT WILL BECOME OF MEEEEEEE?!?! OH GAHHHGHGHGHGLLLLLNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?!”

Totally Unprovoked

In my home, I am beset on all sides but fuzzy dumbasses. Tivo, the brown and grey one, is a miserable, whiny grump whose terrified of essentially all things. He also doesn’t like to be touched below the waste. He SPECIFICALLY doesn’t like to be touched at the base of the tail. Naturally, I find great amusement in poking that spot like a sort of “whine button” whenever he’s getting on my nerves. The first few pokes elicit a whimper, the second few get an angry whine and a “why aren’t you dead yet?” glare, and with the last couple of pokes you just get blood. Just an impossibly fast, brownish-greyish swipey blur and blood.

Tivo has injured me from time to time for no reason. Either because he is terrified of a shoe, or a box, or a shoe near a box or some other harmless juxtaposition of items he assumes I have arranged just so to cause him distress. Like I said: fuzzy dumbasses. These are the injuries I get angry about. But the tail poking injuries… I really can’t get upset with the cat for these. I am specifically provoking him and walking on the goddamn razors edge. GOD, I FEEL SO ALIVE! Wait, no. I mean foolish. So bloody and foolish.

 

potter and daughter podcast logo hijink ensue

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter! More details HERE.
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Replay (the white and grey fuzzied dumbness depicted above) is less likely to cause a human, even a human provocateur, actual harm. He knows how to “play bite” where as Tivo only knows “do no stop until teeth touch bone.” Where as Tivo’s fight or flight response is set so far to “fight” that the knob is broken off, Replay’s is set to “find a happy place in your mind and go there. GO THERE AND NEVER LOOK BACK!” When he wanders around the house screaming at full volume, despite having a full bowl of food, a clean litter box, no desire to go outside and every possible comfort a fuzzy dumbass could ever desire, I find myself inclined to do the one thing he hates more than anything: turning him upside down and carrying him around like a baby. When I do this, he doesn’t actually attack me. His eyes sort of gloss over and he gets this look on his face that seems to say, “If I had a secret poison filled compartment in my tooth, I would be opening it right now.” But, he does stop screaming. So score one for the humans, I guess.

The Rise Of The Machines

This really happened to me. No, I am not Ok. I doubt I will ever be OK. I got my wife a Roomba for her birthday. I had no idea those things were so expensive, but I found an amazing deal on a used one, and was able to bring our home one step closer to the Robotopia that I have always dreamed of. She spent the first few days playing with the Roomba, affectionately referred to as “Robit” [row-bit, long O], letting it zoom around and get acquainted with its new home.

She put its charging dock in the pantry and set an auto-schedule for it to clean up the cat litter off the floor (what the cats kick out of the box every time they enter or exit it) every day at 5am. This was really the whole impetus for the robot in the first place. She’s god damn sick of cleaning up cat litter every day, and I’m god damn sick of walking on cat litter when I go into the pantry to get food, thus making me think of food and cat litter simultaneously, WHICH inevitably makes me stop thinking about food all together (diet idea: surround all your food with cat shit). I am rarely asleep at 5am because I have crazy-artist crazy-work-from-home hours, so for the first couple of days I would hear Robit wake up, do it’s little litter dance for about 10 minutes, beep to tell me it was done and shimmy back into his docking station. If he could eat treat biscuits, you’d better believe I’d have given him one. It was a technological marvel. The next day, the pantry would be free of cat litter’s foul crunch under foot and no humans were harmed in the process.

On the third or fourth night, I heard Robit do his business and dock himself, then the house was just ENGULFED in stink. One of the cats, Replay, doesn’t like to cover up his poops. I assumed he’d just dropped a particularly gnarly one without covering it, and went to investigate. I opened the pantry door and It was like that scene in Se7en when they find the “living corpse.” 100,000 pine-scented air fresheners wouldn’t have abated the horrors I was facing. As the panels above illustrate, one of the cats, finding his box too full, had decided to use the floor as a bathroom. Robit, being a cold, unfeeling, emotionless machine who only follows his predetermined directives with no regard for human well being or the consequences of his actions, plowed right through it. Those of you who don’t live with cats probably don’t know that where as an unbroken cat turd smells bad, a BROKEN/SMUSHED cat turd is an ENTIRELY different animal. There’s some sort of natural protective sausage casing that the cat produces which somehow shields the secret stench within the poop. I can only assume this is an evolutionary necessity in order to facilitate the symbiosis of the domestic feline and the humans that house and feed it.

My Fancy Patrons got to read this comic before anyone else! 

becomepatron

 

It was a horror show. Not only was the stench truly overpowering and blinding, but Robit had managed to run over the poop FIRST and THEN do his 10 minute “cleaning routine,” spreading… no, PAINTING the entire floor in concentric doodles of despair. Not only was the floor forever unclean, but Robit had managed to “gum up the works,” so to speak, with as much or more than he Jackon Pollack’d the pantry with. It was in his wheels, in his gears, in the brushes and the filter. Like I said. A horror show. The odd thing is, this happens with human babies all the time. They poop seemingly more than the interior volume of their small bodies and it manages to get from toes to forehead before you realize what has happened.

The deal with babies is, you LOVE them. You would do ANYTHING for them. You HAVE to keep them alive and you HAVE to stop whatever important, grown up business you are working on and de-poop the baby. The trade off is the human baby’s CPU is deep, deep inside a rather remarkable water proof casing, and its exterior shell is incredibly supple, yet resilient and stain resistant.  You can actually put an entire human baby in the bath tub (NOT dishwasher safe) and hose them down. Robit, on the other hand, had to be almost entirely disassembled, expunged of poops and reassembled. It was not a task for the faint of heart, which is why I let my wife do it. “Here, Honey. I bought you a robot to make your life easier. Just one thing… you need to take out a million tiny screws, swab out about a gallon of cat shits, disinfect it AND yourself, them piece the Satanic, mechanized jigsaw back together before it can start with the life making easier stuff. HAPPY BIRTHDAY I’M GREAT!”

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?

dalek earrings etsy science and fiction

Absence Makes The Cat Go Bonkers

Every single time I come home from traveling one of my cats has completely forgotten I ever existed, and the other is positive I am an undead replicant or possible a million alien bugs wearing a Joel suit. The apathetic one, Replay, briefly looks up from licking his own asshole, then gets right back to chowing down. The paranoid idiot one, Tivo, tears across the house as soon as he sees me, then takes refuge either under my bed or between my night stand and the wall. Two places that I, as a human with arms and legs, obviously have no way of ever infiltrating.

Tivo is your basic fuzzy dumbass. Just fuzzy as all get out, and as dumb as the day long. These are things that do not terrify Tivo: me sitting in a chair. Me walking through the room. These are things that ABSOLUTELY terrify Tivo: Me getting up from sitting in a chair, me walking through the room wearing sandals, me walking through the room holding something in my hands, me walking in the direction that he is also walking in, me doing a thing, a thing happening, me standing up and then a thing happens… you get the idea. His primary fears are me, things, happenings, and most other all of it.

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Replay, the other one, couldn’t give two shits connected by a piece of string that he ate (A real thing that has happened in my house several times. We call them “poop-chucks.”) if I lived or died. The only thing that leads me to think he might prefer my death is that I get the distinct impression he wants to hollow out my chest cavity and take up residence in my rib cage. It’s hard to explain why I think this. Some cats, just give off that vibe, you know?

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

sonic screwdriver earings matt smith elevelth doctor who etsy

https://www.etsy.com/listing/200762224/doctor-who-inspired-sonic-screwdriver

It’s My Cat In A Box

Check out all the prints and posters in the HE Store!

I’m going to be at SDCC with Cyanide & Happiness THIS WEEK! Booth 1234! More info at my Tumblr. 

hijinks-ensue-SDCC-2014

Last week the HijiNKS ENSUE Patreon went over $1500, which means starting next month there will be 4 new comics a week! This is either going to take the form of 4 HE comics or 3 HE comics and one FANEURYSM comic. Haven’t decided yet. Either way, thank you all so much for the support!

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TARDIS Necklace from Science & Fiction

tardis necklace on etsy from science and fiction