I Yam What I Yam, And That’s All What I Yam

Quick, you Fancy Bastards! You have less than 24 hours to hide from your miserable families! NO! Don’t hide there! That’s the first place they’ll look! Make haste! Burry yourself under a mountain and wait out the forced interaction with people you moved extremely far away from as soon as you had the means!

HijiNKS ENSUE British Knights Shirt at Topatoco I am officially starting “The War On Thanksgiving.” For starters I’m taking out the “Thanks” because to assume everyone you encounter is of the Thankful persuasion is bigoted and small minded. Feel free to use my newly coined phrase “Xgiving.” You may also wear buttons or ribbons that say “NO THANKS.” If nothing else this will at least confuse your relatives and keep them from talking to you over this long and arduous weekend of feigned interest, false pleasantries and familial responsibility.

NEWS: Holiday Shipping deadlines for the HE Store have been posted. PURCHASE! PURCHASE EVERYTHING NOW AND ALSO FOREVER!

COMMENTERS: Fill in the details of the first Hobo Thanksgravy story or any Thanksgravv tale thereafter. Also, over the holiday weekend you may post your “War on Thanksgiving” thoughts on Twitter with the #xgiving and #nothanks hash tags.

Writing One’s Wrongs

Today is the 2 year anniversary of “The Experiment.announced it about a week after losing my last “real job” and have been professionally unemployed for the last 24 months. If you were to ask how I’ve made it this long I would hardly be able to supply an answer. I really don’t know. All I do know is that whatever weird little miracle I have accomplished is almost entirely due to the Fancy Bastards that have supported me through this ridiculous nonsense of an amazing career.

If you are fairly new to HE and The Experiment and would like to show your support, please consider getting a book or shirt in the store or making a donation.

This anniversary seems like it should be special, but I know today is no different than any other day in the last 2 years. I have to make comics, answer emails and figure out how to sell some stuff so I can do it all again tomorrow. That’s the prize actually. The fact that I’m not working towards an impossible goal, but rather getting to live each day inside the impossibility.

There’s so much I want to do with HijiNKS ENSUE. So many half started projects, and aborted attempts at creativity. I feel like I owe it to you all for supporting me for this long to give you as much potential enjoyment as possible but there are only so many hours in the week and I am [sadly] still just one guy. I’ve made podcasts, and videos and various other distractions, but I don’t want to lose sight of the reason you’re reading this: the comic.

That’s why, starting next week, I am going to produce HijiNKS ENSUE 4 times a week. Ideally it would be Mon-Thurs but you and I both know I am terrible at keeping a regular schedule. Inspiration hits me at odd times and I have always been a creature of procrastination. Still, I want to give more to those of you that have given me so much. So how about an extra 30-45 seconds of LOL’s in a given week? Sounds like a fair deal to me.

Thanks again for giving me the life I’ve always dreamed of.

~Joel


[Edward shirts now at Topatoco!]

2 NEW PRINTS IN THE STORE!!!

The Special Sauce

I just can’t seem to remember to cancel my Black Friday sale in the HE Store. I sure hope no one is in the mood for savings, because they could really take advantage of my forgetfulness. If someone wanted to know more about the fantastic savings or the new products (including the first ever HE Button Pack!) I suppose they could click HERE.

If you celebrated Thanksgravy this year I hope it was both gluttonous and slothful. Mind was both as is evidenced by my massive hangover. Well, I’m not sure if you call it a hangover when you’re talking about pie but you get my drift. Conventional wisdom would say you can avoid pain the next morning my alternating pumpkin and chocolate pecan pie every half hour. My experiments prove this to be false and delicious.

The more I learn about Hobo Thanksgiving traditions the more fascinated and repulsed I am. I mean I am literally dry heaving with Hobo holiday knowledge and cheer. Did you know the King of the Hobos pardons one “gravy rat” each year? It’s really just a symbolic thing  because as soon as the rat escapes seven or 40 hoboes pounce on it with rusted cutlery that once belonged to a Denny’s. They are a proud and majestic people. I also learned that you can make Hobo Rat Gravy by stuffing a rat into a milk jug, adding equal parts grain alcohol and windshield wiper fluid and fast-aging it near a burning trash can. After a few hours you just add coffee grounds to taste and serve over… well, everything.

You may notice that this comic is going live severely after Thanksgiving. Go ahead. Notice it. I won’t punish you. That’s because I chose to spend the thankful times with those which I am most thankful for: my wife and daughter. Now that we’ve all had enough of each other I can return to those which I am second most thankful for: you guys. You magnificent Fancy Bastards. You may be second in my heart but you will always be first in my something something.

The Hardware Upgrade Cycle

Hey! It’s Boxcar Pete! You know, the lovable hobo that talks like a pirate? Little known fact about Pete, there’s no eyeball behind his monocle. Some say he isn’t a man at all, but a horde of ravenous rats stacked 6 feet high. Those people are stupid. He’s obviously a stab-happy hobo. Josh must be meeting him in a dark alley way to make arrangements for BCP (yeah, you know me) to wait in line for him on iPhone 3GS launch day.

I bought the original iPhone (2G? I guess that’s what we’re calling it.) a little over a year ago. I got one for my wife for her birthday and another one for myself for her birthday. We’ve really enjoyed the “internet in your hand at all times” aspects of the iPhone but have always been frustrated by the slow speed. I resisted the urge to upgrade to the iPhone 3G since it would raise our bill a bit and we had only had our phones for 6 months when it came out. Now that the iPhone 3GS is coming, the “upgrade bug” is irrisistable. There are a few contributing factors: A) It’s fucking sweet. Have you seen it? Sweet. B) My wife’s iPhone has screen issues that are a giant pain in the ass C) I can actually sell my iPhone and her wonky-screen iPhone on eBay for nearly (if not entirely) enough to buy 2 of the 32Gb iPhones 3GS.

It turned out in our favor that we never upgraded before now because AT&T isn’t extending the promotional pricing to existing 3G owners. They really can’t complain, though. They already got to break an existing contract and get ANOTHER subsidized iPhone. Bitch all you want but there isn’t really an argument to justify, “BUT I REALLY WANT ANOTHER NEW iPHONE AT A PRICE DRASTICALLY BELOW RETAIL!!! WAHHHH!!

So I ordered the new iPhones from the Apple store yesterday after a bit of confusion regarding how to keep my familytalk plan, and I’ll post our original iPhones for sale on eBay this coming Monday. Hopefully I’ll walk away breaking even and getting a far superior handheld. You guys know I’m super broke-sauce, so I’m REALLY hoping this works out. My desire for a new iPhone and my lack of funds don’t see eye to eye.

I have learned one thing in the last couple of days. NO ONE at Apple has any idea what’s going on right now. I called Apple customer support to find out if I could keep my familytalk plan and I was on hold for an hour and a half. Eventually I got a guy that told me I had to go into an Apple retail store to do what needed to be done. I loaded up the family and went to our local Apple goodsery and I was greeted almost instantly buy 3 or 4 dudes talking over each other, “We don’t know anything about reserving iPhone 3GS’s, they haven’t told us anything, please go away, WE’RE FREAKING THE SHIT OUT!!!

Dismayed I went home and took my problems to the fine folks of the internet. I got a lot of helpful ideas and suggestions. One of the FB’s even works at Apple Tech Support and emailed to let me know that everyone there is “FREAKING THE SHIT OUT!!!” My buddy Bill, told me I was a stupid asshead for creating this problem as that it was a non-issue. Turns out he was right (and bald! Did I mention he’s horribly bald?). If you just go through the online upgrade process, it eventually tells you that your voice plan is “unchanged.”

I first put two black iPhones 3GS in the cart and it told me I couldn’t have two black ones. So, reluctantly, I removed one and added a white model to the cart. I went through the rest of the checkout and eventually got a notice that said something like “Why are you buying two iPhones at all? What’s  your deal? Are you some kind of asshole? Are you a terrorist? Are you bald?” So I closed the door to my office making sure my wife couldn’t hear me removing “her” phone from the cart and checked out. Then I started over and bought another black one. Simple as that. You absolutely can’t ever never never ever buy two iPhones at once unless you order them about 45 seconds apart. Then you can do whatever you want.

iPhone owning FB’s: Are you upgrading to the 3GS? Why?

Non-iphoning FB’s: Is the new $100 price point on the original 3G going to bring you into the fold?

When Joel is Away… (Guest Comic By Didu)

The Geeks Will Play.

Starting today you will be treated to a trio of guest comics from your fellow Fancy Bastards. Regular HE programming will return on Friday 12-26-08.

You may remember Didu from about 6 months ago when she sent me this completely awesome hand painted birthday card for HE’s one year anniversary. Her guest comic features a slew of background in-jokes that only long time FB’s will be able to appreciate. If you look hard enough you might find a unicorn with multicolored gastrointestinal problems.

Didu is from Finland and does a fantastic music comic HERE. I also believe that because she is small and spritely and is named Didu that she is a magical comic drawing ice-pixie. Those are just my personal feelings and (probably) in no way true.

I am always so impressed by artists like Didu that can actually make awesome art with real art supplies. I am terrible with paints, pencils and pastels. Photoshop is my crutch, my prison (my own prison?). Didu’s comics have that special quality of being desceptively simple. They convey a ton of information and expression with few lines and broad strokes. I envy that. I feel like I have to draw everything in order for you to see it. Real artists can give you just enough info to let your imagination do the legwork.

UPDATE:

Didu posted the “making of” on her LJ.

Highlight the inviso-text below to see all the in-jokes:

Back Row: Uninvited guest from Joel’s Birthday, Iron Man, Didu, Boxcar Pete,SethRogan, because he’s in EVERYTHING these days, Unicorn Vomiting a rainbow

Front Row: Eli is drinking “Hooker Blood Remover” and pouring a beer on the floor, and denise has a Car on her face (all from Joel’s birthday party), Little Girl from the Heroes comic “There Goes My Hero,” Josh dancing with Dumbledore from… gay.