Less Cylons, More Dick Jokes

Kevin Smith is set to direct an episode of Battlestar Galactica during its forth and final season. This could go either way. On the one hand, he’s obviously a fan so he will probably geek all over the script and try to do it justice. On the other hand we might see Baltar go to a donkey show, or Adama get tricked into having sex with Helen Tigh’s corpse.

The more I think about it the more I question the producers’ motives. Never once have wondered what BSG would be like if the dialog revolved more around “ejaculate” and what one might do with said “ejaculate” when in the presence of, let’s say, your mother.

He’s also doing an episode of Heroes Origins where he’s not only writing and directing but also creating the character. I’ve got some predictions on who is hero will be and what abilities they will have:

  • Comic book nerd. Born with a wedgie proof ass. No crack.
  • 16 year old boy with super stretchy neck for auto-fellatio
  • Fat guy with a beard that wears a Batman Suit. No Powers.
  • Ben Afleck

Special thanks to everyone who voted for HijiNKS Ensue in Joystiq’s Weekend Webcomic Whimmy Wham Wham Wozzle. Look for a new comic on Thursay (and hopefully every Mondy and Thursday from here on out).

Update:

As I’m sure you’ve heard, the Kevin Smith BSG is NOT happening after all. A reader brought to my attention KS’s own take on the subject:

Kevin Says:
Well, Kevin Smith himself said on his blog that he’s NOT directing any BSG (even though he wanted to). Apparently there was a conflict.

“I get a message that “Battlestar Galactica” producer Ron Moore’s called, so I return the call and he tells me he’s sorry my directing stint on his program’s not gonna happen.”

http://silentbobspeaks.com/?p=346

Harry Potter: Epilogue

If you think the weekly Pickle Parties are fantastic, you should see the annual Sausage Fest. It’s a hoot. I would go as far as to say a hoot and a half.

Josh isn’t alone. Many “young wizard enthusiasts” have expressed to me a sense of gloom and uncertainty at the prospect of a Potterless tomorrow. Renewed hope for this sorry lot may lie in the purported forthcoming Encyclopedia Potterotica. J.K. Rowling recently hinted at the possibility of some sort of dark codex of all things witchcraft and wizardry.

Honestly, if you are just seeking new Harry Potter content, look no further than your nearest internet. Fans have literally gagged the internet on original works of fiction and art. Such beautiful art. Arty art…. Ok, it’s mostly Harry sticking it sideways to Ron, Draco, Hagrid or some combination of the three, but if you burn for magical adolescent exploration and adventure it’s out there. That’s all I’m saying.

Regarding the comic: They say every time a fanboy takes a hatchet to the skull, an Angel gets its wings. Your welcome, Clarence. It truly is a wonderful life.

Why a Wiimote cousin? Why not an axe?

Because it’s dull, you twit, it’ll hurt more.

Anyone? Robinhood: Prince of Thieves? Anyone? Guy of Gisbourne? No?

Moving on. I just finished Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica. I’m late to this party, but I brought the Barbecue Funyuns. Josh had been telling me for years that I was missing out by not watching BSG. It wasnt that I didn’t care. Oh, contraire. I cared too much.

When I love something, the good people at VivendiUniversalMTVFOXComedyCentralEXXonMobilMrsBairdsBread start the death clock (not the DethKlok). I told that bald headed bastard that If I ever loved this Battlestar that it would be swiftly taken from us all. Rendered asunder like so much Wonderfalls, or dare I say it, Firefly. Why did you leave us Captain Tightpants? Why?

Well, I signed up for the Netflix, put seasons 1 and 2 in the que and immediately started watching BSG…every night. 3 and 4 episodes at a time. Riker’s Beard, this is good scifi!” I says. 14 seconds later it got canceled. Thats right, my love is cursed. Woe unto to yee that knows my love, for yee shalt be cancel-ed. ALL ARE CANCEL-ED!

Josh tried to convince me that I was part of the problem for not watching it sooner. I pointed out that downloading HDTV rips of the episodes from Bittorrent wasn’t exactly supporting the show either.

I think I actually heard him “Herumph” at that point.