Think Different, but not Secret.

Six or seven years ago my friend, Wes, would call me out of the blue and say things like, “Think Secret says Apple is going to release new flat panel iMacs,” or “Think Secret says Steve Jobs just invested 200 million in Amalgamated Black Turtle Necks.”

I would usually respond with, “It’s four-fucking-thirty in the morning! Why are you calling me, what’s a Think Secret and why should I care about Apple and their queerly user friendly computers?! Aren’t they made of wishes and candy and unicorn entrails? I like my computer cold and hard and sharp and hateful.”

This was many years before my conversion to the teachings of Steve. Even in my ignorance I knew Think Secret was some sort of player in the hardware super spy game. Dangling from a ceiling harness, lifting the microfiche off of the desk of a sleeping Steve Jobs. He would awake moment too late, press the giant red…no, white button on his desk and call for a Cupertino-wide lock down. “It must have been that dastardly double agent from Think Secret!” Steve would say as giant steel doors would slam down over the windows and exits.

Colorful novelization aside, Think Secret is no more. No one knows the real terms of the deal Apple offered the sites creator, Nick Ciarelli, but he took it and bowed out gracefully. The rumble is that it went something like:

Steve: “Stop thinking secretly about our products before we release them! The “Boom” is everthing and you are ruining my fun times!”

TS: “WTF?”

Steve:“Instead of suing you, we’ll offer to buy you out in exchange for you never writing about Apple ever ever again.”

TS: “WTF?!”

I really hope no one is calling “sell out” on this guy. Faced with the options of a crippling lawsuit from a multi billion dollar company that would leave you financially raped and ruined or a nice fat check and something cool to put on your resume, I think we ALL would take option B.

It seemed like Steve-O was on a killing spree when Fake Steve Jobs reported that same thing was being done to him. Turns out it we were all suckers and it was a big fat lie. When you can’t trust a formerly anonymous blogger who impersonates a tech-celebrity online in a mocking fashion to be completely honest all the time, you can’t trust anyone. Especially anyone who’s first name is “Fake.” And to think… I Dugg for him.

Hoboes are basically worthless

They don’t even have Edge data.

Josh has been trying to sneak my iPhone away at every available opportunity in an attempt to navigate it’s browser over to jailbreakme.com. He’s like my mom in that he knows what’s best for me despite my own wishes. And apparently, what’s best for me is to Jailbreak my virgin iPhone.

Hardware hacking just isn’t my thing. I’m squeamish. I used to have to get Josh to come over and update my hacked Xbox dashboard. There was IRC involved. Not for the faint of heart.

I gave him the chance to sway me to his side but all he could produce as evidence of reasons to hack were various games, and… games. A sophisticated gaming platform, the iPhone is not. This certainly wasn’t enough to make me want to turn over root access to my device.

If you’ve seen the current round of iPhone ads (one if which is parodied above) you are no doubt familiar with the “Pilot” one. He’s sitting in a plane and the flight is delayed due to an approaching storm. His iPhone saves the day because he is able to check weather.com and see that the storm has moved on.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Air F-ing traffic control is going to ground a flight based on information from instruments that is NOT as sophisticated as weather.com? Worse yet, do they not have the internet?

What if the pilot had just looked up Hurricane” on Urban Dictionary? Could he have convinced them to clear him for takeoff based on the fact that, according to UD, a hurricane is either a particular type of bong that will “roast you so quick”, a doubly potent 40 oz of malt liquor, a Bob Dylan song, or an ejaculatory endzone dance referenced in a Souljah Boy lyric. Nothing to worry about there, right?

Those with a keen eye will recognize Boxcar Pete in the wash tub up there in panel 4. He’s the stabby kind of hobo, so watch out.