Special Delivery

Today is iPhone 3Gs delivery day. I’ve been refreshing FedEx’s tracking page every 45 seconds for 8 hours.

  • Jun 19, 2009 4:18 AM – At dest sort facility – DALLAS, TX
  • Jun 19, 2009 6:58 AM – At local FedEx facility – ADDISON, TX
  • Jun 19, 2009 8:32 AM – On FedEx vehicle for delivery – ADDISON, TX
  • Jun 19, 2009 10:14 AM – Driving around Dallas. Sure is a nice day for a drive
  • Jun 19, 2009 11:57 AM – Still not at your house. Maybe the driver stopped for a sandwich
  • Jun 19, 2009 1:34 PM – Bet you’re getting anxious now. Calm down, dick hole. It’s just a fucking phone.
  • Jun 19, 2009 2:18 PM – Hey! The truck just pulled up to your house!
  • Jun 19, 2009 2:19 PM – Psyche! What a dipshit.
  • Jun 19, 2009 2:25 PM – No, seriously, it’s there. Go look out the window [quick take a picture of his face when he realizes… OHHH! BURN! THAT SHIT WAS PRICELESS! Send that to Fail Blog!]

And so it goes. To update my previous tale of iPhone 3GS ordering woe, Apple actually cancelled one of my orders arbitrarily. I called AT&T since Apple blamed them for the cancellation and they said both Apple and AT-AT AT&T have been randomly cancelling orders with two phones for no reason and there was nothing they could do to fix it. I placed a new order in-store and they claim it will be here in 10 days. Unfortunately both mine and my wife’s old iPhones are alread on eBay destined for new homes. Oh well. There are much worse problems to have. I hear in some parts of the world people don’t even HAVE access to 3g cellular data networks… and also they’re starving.

[this comic might be a two-parter]

Do you have a tale of waiting in line today?

The Hardware Upgrade Cycle

Hey! It’s Boxcar Pete! You know, the lovable hobo that talks like a pirate? Little known fact about Pete, there’s no eyeball behind his monocle. Some say he isn’t a man at all, but a horde of ravenous rats stacked 6 feet high. Those people are stupid. He’s obviously a stab-happy hobo. Josh must be meeting him in a dark alley way to make arrangements for BCP (yeah, you know me) to wait in line for him on iPhone 3GS launch day.

I bought the original iPhone (2G? I guess that’s what we’re calling it.) a little over a year ago. I got one for my wife for her birthday and another one for myself for her birthday. We’ve really enjoyed the “internet in your hand at all times” aspects of the iPhone but have always been frustrated by the slow speed. I resisted the urge to upgrade to the iPhone 3G since it would raise our bill a bit and we had only had our phones for 6 months when it came out. Now that the iPhone 3GS is coming, the “upgrade bug” is irrisistable. There are a few contributing factors: A) It’s fucking sweet. Have you seen it? Sweet. B) My wife’s iPhone has screen issues that are a giant pain in the ass C) I can actually sell my iPhone and her wonky-screen iPhone on eBay for nearly (if not entirely) enough to buy 2 of the 32Gb iPhones 3GS.

It turned out in our favor that we never upgraded before now because AT&T isn’t extending the promotional pricing to existing 3G owners. They really can’t complain, though. They already got to break an existing contract and get ANOTHER subsidized iPhone. Bitch all you want but there isn’t really an argument to justify, “BUT I REALLY WANT ANOTHER NEW iPHONE AT A PRICE DRASTICALLY BELOW RETAIL!!! WAHHHH!!

So I ordered the new iPhones from the Apple store yesterday after a bit of confusion regarding how to keep my familytalk plan, and I’ll post our original iPhones for sale on eBay this coming Monday. Hopefully I’ll walk away breaking even and getting a far superior handheld. You guys know I’m super broke-sauce, so I’m REALLY hoping this works out. My desire for a new iPhone and my lack of funds don’t see eye to eye.

I have learned one thing in the last couple of days. NO ONE at Apple has any idea what’s going on right now. I called Apple customer support to find out if I could keep my familytalk plan and I was on hold for an hour and a half. Eventually I got a guy that told me I had to go into an Apple retail store to do what needed to be done. I loaded up the family and went to our local Apple goodsery and I was greeted almost instantly buy 3 or 4 dudes talking over each other, “We don’t know anything about reserving iPhone 3GS’s, they haven’t told us anything, please go away, WE’RE FREAKING THE SHIT OUT!!!

Dismayed I went home and took my problems to the fine folks of the internet. I got a lot of helpful ideas and suggestions. One of the FB’s even works at Apple Tech Support and emailed to let me know that everyone there is “FREAKING THE SHIT OUT!!!” My buddy Bill, told me I was a stupid asshead for creating this problem as that it was a non-issue. Turns out he was right (and bald! Did I mention he’s horribly bald?). If you just go through the online upgrade process, it eventually tells you that your voice plan is “unchanged.”

I first put two black iPhones 3GS in the cart and it told me I couldn’t have two black ones. So, reluctantly, I removed one and added a white model to the cart. I went through the rest of the checkout and eventually got a notice that said something like “Why are you buying two iPhones at all? What’s  your deal? Are you some kind of asshole? Are you a terrorist? Are you bald?” So I closed the door to my office making sure my wife couldn’t hear me removing “her” phone from the cart and checked out. Then I started over and bought another black one. Simple as that. You absolutely can’t ever never never ever buy two iPhones at once unless you order them about 45 seconds apart. Then you can do whatever you want.

iPhone owning FB’s: Are you upgrading to the 3GS? Why?

Non-iphoning FB’s: Is the new $100 price point on the original 3G going to bring you into the fold?

The Dietary Habbits Of Procyon Iotor

…Or the common North American Raccoon.

I have no idea why I did this comic, so don’t ask me. Raccoons and iPods? Whatever. The multi-hair-colored young lady in panels 1 and 2 is long time friend of HijiNKS Ensue, Stacy. She is soon to be an Apple Genius at our local Apple store but hasn’t yet completed the ritual blood rights or the “Sacred Hunt.” They send you out into the mall and if you don’t come back with the half eaten heart of a PC user you have to battle 7 food court employees including the manager of Sbarro. He’s enourmous and armed with a calzone. My only regret, art-wise, is that I wasn’t able to showcase all of her facial piercings in this limited pixel format. Sorry Stacy. I tried.

I don’t have a strong opinion about the new 3G iPod Shuffle or the feaux-controversey surrounding it’s total lack of buttons. If you like it, buy it. If you hate it, don’t. I do find it interesting, however, that every SNL sketch and Onion story that mocks Apples disdain for all things button seems to come true. Soon enough, purchasing an iPod will actually REMOVE buttons from your other devices. It will litterally have negative buttons.

Give Me Something To Bitch About

Sorry for the late comic. I was preparing for, then participating in an actual job interview for an actual job. The Experiment isn’t over, just evolving. More on that as things develop.

Re: The background of this comic – I asked Twitter what my background color scheme should be and Josh suggested (rather CHALLENGED) “dopefish3d @hijinksensue no no no, houndstooth, alternating between mauve and periwinkle.” Far be it form me to back down once the gauntlet has been thrown, so there you go. I don’t really like it, but I still win.

I’ve really been relying on the “I would totally buy form iTunes if not for all the DRM sadness” crutch for years. Now I have nothing to justify my thevery.

The iTunes Music Store is a brilliant piece of technology. I know people who aren’t normally susceptible to traditional ads and upsales that MARVEL at how ITMS gets them to fall for “you just bought this song… your playlist would be twice as awesome if you added these other 3 songs… i bet some hot chick would totally do you if you played those 4 songs for her and burned some incense and got all suave talkin’ with lotions and oils and shit… click here to buy some incense…” But is it really “getting you to fall for it” if it is actually helpful and you enjoy the shopping experience? Their marketing genius can’t be denied, but you are welcome to debate the true nature of their intent. Is Apple the next RIAA or are they the harbingers of fair and just digital distribution?

I don’t have these questions about Bit Torrent. It’s like paying cash for RAM in China Town. It’s cheaper than retail, comes in a paper sandwich bag that said “RAMS” in Sharpie marker, and I know before I buy that if anything goes wrong the people that provided the goods would sooner drug me and steal my organs than help me out.

For more DRM comics, click up on THIS!

Links:

It Puts The Black Mock Turtleneck On Its Skin

Sorry. I watched “Hannibal” last weekend. Hannibal Lecter is my favorite fictional villain of all time. I’ve always said, “If I have to be murdered and eaten, I want Hannibal Lecter to be the one to do it.” You know why? One word. Class.

Not only is Steve Jobs NOT giving the keynote speech at Macworld 2009, but Apple says it’s the last one they’re ever going to attend. That’s like not showing up to your birthday party, but hoping all our friends will still have a good time.

If this is the last hurrah of old Steve, I really don’t see Apple being the same company without him. He’s not God (he’s Jesus), but he IS the driving egomanaiacal force behind their success in the last decade. They should download his brain into an OS X sever and allow his essence to live on forever in the Pixar film of his choice. I say “Wall-E.” He can be Messiah to all the fat lazy humans and guide them in rebuilding Earth. He’ll rule with a Brushed aluminum fist… until they come out with a shiny black plastic fist… and then a better unibody brushed aluminum fist cut from a solid block of… he’ll be getting a new hand every six months.