Handshake Deal

 Guys, Turbo looks BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. By which I mean to say it looks AWFUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL. By which I also mean to say, kids are going to love this shit and it’s going to make a billion dollars and I am probably going to have to take my daughter to see it.

You know what looks cute? The Boxtrolls.

COMMENTERS: What kids movie were you dragged to by your little ones that you actually ended up enjoying? What kids movie were you dragged to that, upon completion, you wished you had been subsequently dragged into a hole in the dirt, covered in dirt and left there to become more dirt?

I really enjoyed How to Train Your Dragon way more than I assumed I would. I actually nodded off during Cars 2. That was a hell of a joyless cashgrab. I accidentally wrote “cashcrab” then changed it, but I think cashcrab fits. Fuck that cashcrab.

Comments (18)

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Best: Toy Story; Worst: Anything Pokemon
Greg's avatar

Greg · 102 weeks ago

My little girls are just a little bit too little to drag me to films however I foresee lots of Princesses and fairies in my movie-going future. Kill me now.

1 reply · active 102 weeks ago

Greg's avatar

Greg · 102 weeks ago

That said, if “Ben and Holly” (a British children’s cartoon) ever do a movie version, I’d see that happily, it’s actually rather good.
Hot tip: don’t actually fuck that cashcrab. Chitin chafes.
Chris's avatar

Chris · 102 weeks ago

Easy – the Last Airbender – that was atrocious.

1 reply · active 102 weeks ago

Ali's avatar

Ali · 102 weeks ago

Every mention of that film makes me cringe.
seriously's avatar

seriously · 102 weeks ago

My young nephew and niece drag me to a kiddie movie every time they visit and so far the best was Despicable Me, the worst Oogieloves.
Brit's avatar

Brit · 102 weeks ago

No kids, but my former roommate let her inner child shine through way too much when it came to watching movies. Did you know there are three sequels to the Swan Princess? Three! And one of them is a Christmas movie. Luckily when you don’t have to be responsible for the interested party’s upbringing you can turn crappy kiddie movies into drinking games.
Watching kids movies is the best part of being a dad… OK, one of the best… I usually really like the kids movies.

My Little Pony is one of the worst things about being a dad…

1 reply · active 99 weeks ago

Josh's avatar

Josh · 99 weeks ago

I was surprised that My Little Pony is actually clever and funny sometimes. Strawberry Shortcake and the Care Bears make me want to open a vein, though.
I don’t have one for myself since I don’t have kids but I can tell you the “kids” movie my father enjoyed the most that he took me to when I was in 5th grade. PORKY’S. 😉 true story.
jiynx's avatar

jiynx · 101 weeks ago

wallace and grommit was probably as much for me as for my son…

my kids are odd… kids movies they’re like eh, but my son is practically rabid over ‘pacific rim’, and my daughter is a total nut for kung-fu movies…

1 reply · active 101 weeks ago

jiynx's avatar

jiynx · 101 weeks ago

ages eight and six, respectively.
Fren's avatar

Fren · 101 weeks ago

Encourage your daughter. She sounds rad. Your son’s already on the right track.
Stephen's avatar

Stephen · 101 weeks ago

In regards to the cashcrab: the guy in the last panel is making crab hands. Love your comics. Even (sometimes especially) the lo-fi ones.
In a couple years you’ll also have to take her to see “Turbo 3: That Snail Is In A Slightly Different Setting Now.”

More Aardman Than Aardman

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this Three Wheaton Moon shirt. You can buy it! Then you can wear it! Only two steps to total geeky happiness? Sign me up!

Three Wheaton Moon T-Shirt, Funny Three Wolf Moon Parody, Wil Wheaton T-Shirt, 3 Wil Wheaton Moon, Clown Sweater, Wesley Crusher, Evil Wil Wheaton

I made this comic on paper! With pens! Sitting on Fancy Bastard Adam M’s parents’ couch! Did you know you could make comics without computers? I didn’t. And I still don’t! Did you know Adam’s dad’s dog farted on me? It was horrendous! Come to Baltimore Comic-Con! I will tell you all about the dog farts in person! Also the art for this comic will be for sale a the show. DOG FARTS!

Joel Watson of HijiNKS ENSUE at Baltimore Comicon 2011Baltimore Comic-Con is this weekend! I will be in the Artist Alley right next to Dannielle Corsetto at Table #A187 or so. I will have books 1 and 2, “The Doctor Is In” shirts, “Team Edward [James Olmos]” shirts and “Ewok Stare” shirts, plus prints, stickers and Fancy Sketches.

We have had a really fantastic Fancy Bastard meetup each year. Details HERE on G+ (look for the link to the updated post with more details in the comments thread) or talk to FB Adam (who is organizing it) directly on G+ or Twitter. Hope to see you at the show and the meetup!

Commenters: Do you want more Blade Runner? Of the options offered in the comic, which do you think would work the best without screwing up the legacy of the original? Personally a “Rise of the Replicants” type movie wouldn’t offend me that much. I don’t mean “they rise and kill us all,” but rather the offworld rebellion situations. Could be fun.

HEY LOOK!: You asked for it, so I added a “Winter Is Coming” desktop to The Vault. I’ve also added “Chibi Wolverine” and “Three Wheaton Moon” desktops as well. Just make a donation of any amount, or sign up for a recurring donation subscription and you’ll get access. I’ve also added mobile versions of these desktops HERE.


The Thin Furry Duke


Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

The newly relaunched HE Store is up and running over at Blind Ferret. Please go check it out and maybe buy a book or a shirt or something. Shirts will begin shipping soon, now that we are all back from Comic-Con.

UPDATE: You asked for it, so I added a “Chibi Wolverine” desktop to The Vault. I’ve also added “Winter Is Coming” and “Three Wheaton Moon” desktops as well. Just make a donation of any amount, or sign up for a recurring donation subscription and you’ll get access. I’ve also added mobile versions of these desktops HERE.


Long story short: Short mutant tall. I watched the premiere of Wolverine (Marvel Anime version) on G4TV and it just wasn’t for me. I’m not a huge anime fan to begin with, so let that color my opinions however you like. The show was done in my absolute least favorite style of anime. The “lovers exchanging long, silent looks over the ocean while 80’s casio keyboards set to vibraphone play softly in the distance… then everybody fights” style. It wasn’t terrible, but it certainly wasn’t Wolverine. This cat was about 24 years old, tall, slender and pointy in all the wrong places. From chin to Aladdin Sane-esque frock, he was all points. The only thing I really enjoyed about Wolvanime was the completely shoehorned moment reminding the audience”Hey! Wolverine is Canadian!” when the incredibly Japanese Logan is seen standing atop a random Manhattan building drinking a can of clearly labelled “CANADIAN BEER.” Yatta bub!

COMMENTERS: What other unexpected anime characteristics might Logan or any other Japanimated Marvel character have? What sort of situations might they find themselves in? Does Chibi-Charles Xavier have to catch (’em) all the mutants in order to be a true mutant training master?

Dallas Fancy Bastards! I am going to be at STRIP: The Dallas Webcomic Expo this Saturday [August 6th] from 10-5pm. It’s only $5 to get in. Come get a book or a sketch. It’s a very low key show and I’ll probably be doing a fun times panel with the dude from Cyanide and Happiness.

WATCH THIS WITH YOUR EYES! My friends Yuri Lowenthal and Tara Platt are both fantastic voice over actors (Yuri is the voice of Ben 10, Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto, and tons of video game characters, and Tara has voiced characters in Naruto, Final Fantasy XIII, Bleach and dozens of anime series and video games) and now they have stepped out of the booth, in front of the camera to create their own show. Shelf Life is a live action web series about four action figures living on a young boy’s shelf. It’s like Toy Story for those of us that grew up with He-Man and Spider-Man. You can watch the trailer HERE and check out the full series when it premieres later this summer. You can also follow them on the Facing Books.

Shelf Life - Funny Web series Super Heroes Toys, comedy web series

LAST THING: My AC died last week and living without AC in Texas is not an option. The new unit is costing me $3000. SPOILERS: I don’t have 1 thousand of dollars, let alone 3 of them. If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode.

UPDATE: You wonderful Fancy Bastards have already donated nearly $650 towards the AC repairs. Thank you so very much. Your generosity means so much to me and my family.

Although Nothing Seems Right

The Doctor Is In T-Shirt

“The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic is here!

San Diego ComiCon is in a week! I will be with Ryan and Lar and Danielle at the Blind Ferret Booth in the Webcomic area. Row 13 I believe. I will have books 1 and 2, prints, sketches and nearly all of my shirts.

Why did I see Cars 2? Was it on a dare? Did a lose a bet? Oh god, am I pregnant? Strange cravings might account for it. Ohhhh, that’s right. I have a young child. Well, guess what? Even she nearly fell asleep halfway through and she hasn’t mentioned the movie again since. Let’s just say, from my kid (she who has watched Toy Story 3 at least 75 times and recounts in near psychotic detail every event of every movie she watched to anyone with or without functional human ears) this is a pretty damning review.

But that’s just it. Cars 2 wasn’t terrible. It was just empty and boring. It lacked ALL of the heart you expect from a Pixar film. Even considering Cars is my least favorite Pixar film, it did have at it’s center a reasonably heartfelt message. I think that message (slow down, experience a simpler life, etc) missed the mark completely, but it was there. This film’s message was “Hey this idiot must be a spy! Let’s do a bunch of spy stuff, blowing things up, then it’s over! Also friendship maybe!”

I feel like this film is not only specifically for kids, but it’s specifically for 6 year old boys. All others needs not apply. Watch WALL-E or TS3 again, instead. Get your cry on.

COMMENTERS: How did the Carsniverse come about? Did K.I.T.T lead the vehicle uprising? How does their society work? Does your make and model determine your occupation and position in life? Are they born or made? Who are their makers? Why do they have bathrooms?!

The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for now so I can make some big, exciting changes. It will be reopening VERY soon. In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.

Sn Sn

Ovipositor Shirts ONLY $11!!! Last Chance Probably Forever!!!

The Doctor Is In T-Shirt

“The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic is here!

It has been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. But when you are talking about far-too-realistic CGI humans, it is the teeth that reveal the hollowness within. It is the mouth, the lips and the tongue that take your mind from pleasant delight to abject horror. Sure, you might want to take the Polar Express to Santa’s Village, but as soon as that conductor utters, “All aboard,” you realize it’s a one way train to nightmare junction. You want to make a successful CGI animated film with biologically accurate humans? I have one word for you: mutes. Everyone is a mute. Think of how amazing Tron: Legacy would have been had CGI Jeff Bridges just kept his terror-mouth shut. I mean… when he talked, that shit was just chilling – unsettling. Seeing these digital doplegoblins speak just sets you ill at ease. Like if an unfamiliar 80 year old wisp of a woman in a wheelchair suddenly grabs your wrist and hisses, “Can I touch your haaairrrrr? I used to have sssuch pretty haaairrrr.” That shit will stone cold turn your spine to ICE!

Thanks to Gordon for tweeting something that made me think of this comic.