• You want to intervene, but you can't compose your thoughts. You merely stare like a deer at headlights, awaiting the end.

  1. I will always remember the phrase "panty melter". Sounds like a kind of sandwich, only with edible panties…….. Oh, and jalapeños…….

  2. I remember reading this live last night and half laughing my ass off, half feeling pity for the poor woman on the other side of that disasterpiece. I sincerely hope karma makes it up to her on the next one.

  3. Despite the use of quotes, I couldn't tell when you were quoting or riffing. And at what point did your wife leave to go wait in the car? This guys needs an indie-as-fuck documentary made about his ASAP.

  4. I'm reading this in a packed library during finals week sitting across the table from some random person. I was doing so well until the last tweet when I had an out loud laughing attack that I had to cover up as a coughing fit that no one around me bought. At least this isn't the quiet floor…

  5. YES! I keep seeing her walking out the door but obviously trying not to run, as that would only trigger his chase instinct. He's walking so close behind her he's practically stepping on the heels of her shoes, and STILL super loud and way over sharing. And then there's you, surreptitiously doing a phone pic, the flash goes off, you scream (like a girl, because it's funnier that way, not because I have any opinion about your manliness) and fling that phone halfway across the Starbucks like it just turned into a freaking tarantula. Everyone else is staring at you like YOU'RE the weirdo, but they're all secretly grateful that you drew attention away from their flashless phone pics.

  6. I once went on a terrible date, and at the end of the evening (when I said I didn't want to see him again,) he got all Casablanca on me. "You're gonna regret this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life." I wound up slamming and locking my front door in his face.

  7. I'm pretty sure that if you witness a date that bad, you're morally obligated to set the restaurant on fire to give everyone a chance to escape.

  8. never had a shitty first date but i did have guy when i broke up with him hand me a box of my favorite chocolates and start quoting a Keith Urban song to me, which at the time i thought was super weird. this my friends has made me feel much better about the creepiness of that break up. i hope that she finds a better one for her next date and that she had a girlfriend waiting for her with a bottle of booze else were, she deserves a drink.

  9. Holy hell, my eyes are tearing up from laughing. This makes me feel SO much better about all my bad dates . . . and very very sorry for the poor woman that she had to endure that.

  10. Classy, ridiculing a guy who probably has Aspergers (see the comment about his psychiatrist) for being socially inadequate.
    My most amusing first date observations are usually about people in wheelchairs who don't open the woman's car door, and the people with down syndrome who can't calculate the correct tip, but autistic people are even funnier!!! Great job!

    • Great job at sarcasm! You are very good at commenting! Keep it up! More sarcasm! You are a funny person! See how good I am at sarcasm as well?! We are both great!

      • I like to think of him less as someone with Aspergers and more as someone who met his soul mate sometime between the date being set up and actually having the date. And rather than stand her up or cancel and make her feel rejected, he thought, "What can I do to make this innocent woman feel like she's better off NOT having kids with me?" In that scenario, he gets his dream woman, she gets to feel superior, and the only one who gets hurt is your phone. Phone abuse isn't funny, Joel.

  11. Yeah I was cracking up until I saw thing about him having Asperger's. A lot of times Aspies have no idea what they're saying may be inappropriate. Funny and not funny at the same time :/

  12. I have asperger's, but even I was amused by this! Lol.

    The Asperger's may explain his actions though… At least he's lucky enough to be able to communicate, period… Communication through talking is one of the most difficult skills an autistic person could learn… What this person did not know is when is an appropriate time in a relationship to talk about some of these things, most notably former relationships and engagements, and racial comments.

    I remember one day, a person that I knew and that had Asperger's walked up to me and started asking me all about my breakup with my last girlfriend, right in front of her best friends… It was pretty awkward for them…

    • I appreciate the comment. I guess my point is, I have know a few people with varying degrees of Aspergers, and I have known plenty of "normal" people who just made jackasses of themselves for no reason. The Aspergers types Ive known might have had a hard time taking social queues (the party has been over for 3 hours, everyone is tired and you're still here), or filtering between their brain and their mouth, but they still carried themselves with more self respect and dignity than the regular jackwads I knew who were just terrible to be around because they were terrible. The guy at the coffee shop was a lawyer, he was well dressed, he drove there, he made what he thought was appropriate conversation which just so happened to be a tragic TRAGIC mistake. I feel like no one should be ashamed for laughing at this. I don't claim to know where the line is. I'm not sure there is one. If an autistic child screamed something inappropriate at a Starbucks and I found it funny, would it make me a terrible person If I laughed? What if his parent's laughed?

      This guy wasn't a "freak" and he wasn't so developmentally challenged that he wasn't responsible for his actions. He just KEPT saying unbelievable inappropriate things for a first date. I think that might be the part a lot of people are missing. Everything he said would be totally dismissed in the right context. If he was there talking to a friend who was reciprocating the other side of the conversation then the only thing I would have noticed were the tragic details of his life and the volume of his voice. It was the context of a first date and the woman's OBVIOUS level of discomfort that made the situation humorous. They say acting is REacting. The performance was almost entirely hers. She was actually funnier than the guy.

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