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EMAIL JOEL
Dick Everlasting
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Alternate ending: “Ancient Spirts of Evil, Transform this decayed form into CHENEY THE EVER-LIVING!!!”
[This comic is translated from Dick Cheney's native language, a mixture of Parseltongue and the dark tongue spoken in Mordor]
Cheney was looking pretty rough at the inauguration on Tuesday. He was on his third baboon heart, and previously had all of his bones replaced with steel recovered from ground zero. With his titanium kidneys and cobalt spleen, he is more machine now than man. Though there are those that believe Cheney isn’t a man at all, rather he’s actually a highly evolved insect that has learned how to use it’s natural camouflage to mimic a human appearance. Personally, I believe that he is ageless. He was birthed of the primordial fires of creation, and roamed the Earth long before any other sentient life. He drove the demons, trolls and orcs deep below… or they banished him to the surface… either way, he is as ancient as he is evil and he is large amounts of both.
I’m guessing Cheney has been assuming different identities throughout history. Who was he? Zeus? Jack the Ripper? Joseph Stalin? Dracula? I bet he was Dracula. Also, feel free to share your ideas for other ways Cheney has kept alive all these years. I would have defaulted to the obvious conclusion that he’s a Cylon, but without the Resurrection Ship, I’m not sure how that would work.
And before you tell me to take it easy on Cheney, or the Bush administration, save it. I’m still high on Obama fumes and I’m not nearly ready to come down.
And a SPECIAL THANK YOU to those Twittering FB’s that unwittingly helped me write this comic with their @’s (justchristine, lonneynerd, bradymikep, bshirley, jaydeflix, and muttonhead104).
Tags: batman, dick cheney, harry potter, krang, politics, teenage mutant ninja turtles
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 am
Funny, now I won't be able to imagine Dicky-Poo without hearing Krang's voice.
I've also always wondered what his prosthetic "body" was supposed to be: a professional wrestler with suspenders and 3-D glasses?
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
You made my day. I needed a familiar face/brain.
(Turtle power!)
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:13 am
Brilliant comic!
Love the unashamedly constant geekery throughout, ending (quite perfectly in my honest opinion) in the best (possibly the only?) TMNT joke I've seen in a geek comic.
Watched the inaguration in the UK, I must admit to having an essence of tear in one eye when Obama displayed his humanity through nervously jumping the gun. If he's not human, he's a better actress than Cameron from SCC!
Perhaps Dick is a terminator? Anyone seen any lightning balls around his house lately?
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:16 am
No one has ever seen his house. Its not that he had it digitally blurred out of Google maps.
http://blog.wired.com/defense/2008/07/what-is-goo...
Its that it is surround by a forcefield made from a combination of hard-light repulsor technology and witchcraft.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:15 am
I found it awesome that the Krang-Cheney in the final frame is the best likeness of real life Dick. I mean, you can tell who it is in the first few, but that last one actually looks like the man himself. It might be the little brain tentacle hands that do it for me.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:30 am
I'm leaning towards pact with Satan either that or he takes a lot of vitamins.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
All we need now are HE Turtles with appropriately-coloured bandanas, although I'm not sure what colour Joel's would be…
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Joel's could be Blue, Josh's would be rainbow coloured and he'd have two pom-poms which fired shuriken at an alarming rate.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Hehehe, it amuses me that Google have hidden it but all an enterprising terrorist would have to do to find it is switch their alleigance to Yahoo
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Shame there's no panel with James Avery shaking his fist and yelling 'CHEEEENEEEEY!'
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Milk, he's the one who gave Hogan the advise to drink his milk. All part of his plan to re-launch the civil war and make the south rise again.
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
no pitiful human body could have ever held the terrible magnificence that is CHENEY…no wonder he had all those heart attacks
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Whole comic is excellent, but panel 3, with scoopage silhouette, is actually quite lovely.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I think you're all wrong. Who else do we know that is evil and sits in a wheelchair but is otherwise shrouded in mystery? #1 from S.P.E.C.T.R.E., of course!
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I just noticed the glasses on Krang (not his exo-suit body); great detail!!!!!
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
ROFL. This is great Joel.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
And I'm glad to hear that the White Houses cloning facilities are still up and running. The Al Gore collective can replenish there numbers now.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I feel honored to have unwittingly aided and abetted when it comes to this strip.
PLUS a TMNT reference? GOLDEN, that's my childhood right there.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Look out, here comes ManBearPig!
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I love the Eye of Sauron in Dick's staff… Not even the Lord of the Rings' dark will can overcome the deepest evil and arcane magics of Darth Cheney. Awesome comic all around
I've been looking for one I'd want a print of and I think this sucker may well be it.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Dual-wield shuri-poms? His Ninjutsu is truly masterful…
Why now am I going to go away and create HMNT (Hijinks Mutant Ninja Turtles) instead of all this work I have to do tonight?
Or should that be FBNT (Fancy Bastard Ninja Turtles)?
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Perhaps Unicron rebuilt his defeated body many years ago to serve his goals of consuming all living things…
"Behold…CHENATRON!"
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
This is my first time leaving a comment, although I've been completely enjoying your comic since last November (someone on io9.com linked to one of your comics about Twilight).
I was moved to reply this time because instead of my usual laughing fit, this comic made me laugh until I cried. Some of that may have had to do with the fact that I made this exact thought about CheneyKrang a couple days ago, but the majority of it was you.
So, I just wanted to finally drop you a note and let you know how much I love reading your comic. It's consistently smart, well-drawn, and hilarious. Thank you so much for sharing your talent.
On a final note, I also wanted to thank you for making your friend Josh such a vital part of the comic's universe. As a lesbian geek myself, it's wonderful seeing a part of our community represented.
Thank you again, and keep up the wonderful work!
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Do we want to know why you're imagining Dicky?
J/k, of course!
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Many years ago in Transylvania Dracula and Dr. Frankenstein conspired to create the most evil creation. Cheney is the result! An amalgam of the most evil men ever to walk the face of the earth. They used Pol Pot's brain, Hitlers spleen, Stalin's heart and worst of all FOX's President of programming's body! With his talent for canceling science fiction and torturing us with reality television he could not be stopped and overwhelmed his creators. Thus was born a thing not of nature but of dark pits of hell destine to ruin everything he touches and yearn only for blackness sweet blackness and perpetual reruns of American Idol!
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Dick everlasting huh? Sounds like a male potency pill.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Wow, didn't even see that. Nice catch.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
So many geek references. o_O
Batman, TMNT, and LotR oh my!
I do love Cheny-Krang.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I hate Dick, too. But maybe we should cut some slack on Bush.
Watch this: http://www.time.com/time/photoessays/2009/photogr...
"I have to do this, because I sent them there"
That sounds suspiciously like remorse to me.
But hey, Cheney is something else entirely.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Also possible that he was a caveman and from a radioactive meteorite gained immortality.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
bravo, sir.
bravo.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I finally found the comic I want in print. It'll go on my wishlist immediately right next to the caricature I insist I will get one day. Good work, that made my day. I think TMNT may have had a bigger impact on my life than MOTU, but I could be wrong.
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I don't see much remorse in a man that refused to take responsibility for anything he does.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xbeDIfIMUE
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Woooooo! Mention in a newspot. I feel so giddy!
I'm convinced he's sustained through nothing other than the power of pure evil, something like Sauron in his dark pit. When the evil of warfare had ceased to have effect, he moved onto hunting. First normal animals, and progressively moving up the "cute" chain, starting with chipmunks and ending with child pandas. When that ceased to work, he started hunting a much more dangerous game…
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wait…. when did Josh become a lesbian? Did I miss something?
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I drew it from a reference photo of Cheney's brain taken last time it was removed for cleaning and maintenance.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
How does one form a beneficial pact with a creature LESS powerful and LESS evil that ones self?
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
In my heart there is.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:08 pm
But it has to be from an animal that cant be milked by traditional means. Like a lobster. Lobster milk.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:09 pm
His heart has literally been fracturing under the pressure of so much evil trying to escape. Its like the Ghostbusters when the containment unit is shut down.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:12 pm
this is an acceptable theory. Perhaps Obama carries the Matrix of Leadership, and will later become Obamamus PRIME!
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I guess you arent catching on to the subtext. Its like Xena. Those of us that knew, just KNEW.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Remember when Obama teamed up with Bruce Willis to assemble the 5 elements and stop Gary Oldman from releasing Planet Cheney on us?
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Wow! Thanks for all the kind words. Im glad you are enjoying the comic so much. its funny, with Josh there was never a conscious decision on whether or not he would be gay in the comic. He was, so the comic-josh was. Simple as that. I never wanted to shove it in peoples faces and make a big deal out of it because that would seem exploitative. Anyway, I have 100's of other ways to exploit him and being gay is probably the least of them.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I wouldnt have nearly the problem I do with Bush if he would just be a man and own up to his mistakes. He has never taken responsibility for anything negative that he has caused. Just watch his exit interview. He is "disappointed" in everything and everyone but himself. He was a cocky asshole to the press and the american people at every opportunity. I dont think Bush is evil (like Cheney). I think he's a smarmy, holier than thou, jerk that doesnt know how to treat anyone like a human being. That attitude permeated every aspect of his presidency.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Oh, guys. I found out the truth. In the late 40's some US military scientists discovered an infant Cheney in a bombed out Church in Scotland. He had horns and one stone hand. They adopted him and raised him as if he were human. He filed off the horns to appear more human, but they are still visible to those with magical goggles. His destiny is to bring about the end of the world by unleashing hellish Lovecraftian monsters… and he's totally cool with this.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
its hard to believe that a simple capsule can actually make a man larger. Its hard to believe because it's impossible, so you shouldnt believe it.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Dont you mean "Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Acula"?
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
he'd be stroking a white cat, but he just keeps eating them.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:14 pm
So does that make Joe Biden Ultra Magnus or Hot Rod?
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
I think the beauty you have with the Josh character is that you can get him into so many comedic situations because of his sexuality without the joke itself being "Josh is gay".
Wizard Pride is a perfect example: having Dumbledore out partying on his own or with generic gay man would be funny and tell the same joke, but would be lacking in something. Having Josh there given his love of the Potter books adds that last little piece of the puzzle – the joke is Dumbledore enjoying his liberation after he was outed, not "Josh is gay"
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Joel, do a shirt that has Cheney's face with a big red cross through it and the slogan "I Hate Dick". Then get Josh to wear it.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Red Kryptonite perhaps?
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Well I personally had Josh's pink or rainbow, Denise was yellow (sorry) and Eli's as some kind of tan or sandy colour, but Lucha Orange or even Mariachi Black and Red could be cool.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Louis Tully: "I am Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Cheney"
Winston Zeddemore: "When somebody asks you if you're a Republican, you say YES!"
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:41 pm
so THAT'S what he was hiding in that man-sized safe! it all makes sense now!
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?vid...
and did you see what almightygod said on Tuesday?
http://twitter.com/almightygod/status/1134499139
i admit to much laughing.
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I'd be curious to know what the tweets were that helped, Joel! I know personally that I said "Time to retire the CheneyBot"
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I was just thinking that I had finally found that Adult Entertainment name I had been shopping for.
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 pm
You see, Cheney doesn't see humans the same way you or I do. Cheney sees us as a combination of ones and zeros….
I would enjoy seeing Cheney's little tentacle/brain persona eventually morph into an Akira-type entity, and perhaps a hero could be found to fight it…
Either that or maybe a little part time job or temp gig in a hentai. You know…. just some work until the economy gets moving again.
…Naughty schoolgirls…
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Mine too…
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:27 pm
I'm super serial you guys!
Excelsior!
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Biddimus Prime when he takes the Matrix
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:36 pm
So Obama would be like Kaneda… (Obaneda?) Did the masterminds at the White House make him give up his sweet red motorcycle and enormous gun as well as his Blackberry?
And who, in this Akira-RL crossover, would play the old blue kids?
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Just to be clear, I understand that they took away his phone for security reasons, and wasn't calling them 'masterminds' in a derogatory sense… just covering my ass! ; )
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Wait… Does Guillermo know? Boy is HE gonna be pissed…
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
What color would Eli's be? I lean towards orange for some reason…
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Its not really a pact as much as its an understanding, you see Cheney's one weakness is his mortality, so Satan gives Cheney eternal life in exchange for not being eaten.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:52 pm
It's a little on the subtle side for that purpose, doncha think?
Have you seen this comic with the great bar name? http://hijinksensue.com/2008/05/23/i-bid-one-doll...
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Or Fr. Ankenstein and Dr. Acula.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:15 am
They're gone. They won't be coming back. Don't people get tired of making fun of the same thing for 8 years?
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:33 am
"Your mom _________" lasted for 15 years. And we all know how we feel about that one now.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 am
a good joke's hard to kill.
(kind of like some other people we know.)
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Exactly – it sets the bar to entry far too high for anyone to bother.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
No I meant Frau Brucher! *horse whinnies*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQiXPHhZ4Go
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Hey us lesbians trapped in men's bodies have to stick together.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
OMG! I just pictured Cheney rampaging through D.C. scowling with an ascot on.
Obama – Nobody steps on a church in my town! This Dick is toast!
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Even democrats make fun of Clinton still and that is already 8 years in the past.
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Because I have a thing for wheelchair-addled septuagenarian fascists who get a bigger hard-on from a war than they are from a Viagra overdose. :p
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Damn my dream of a 2 foot wang are dashed!
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Joel, there are a bunch of Cheney jokes amongst the video archive @ thedailyshow.com. Just search for "You Don't Know Dick!" and learn some of the horrifying truths about the entity known as Cheney. There's also a couple of bits from correspondent John Oliver that ID Cheney as a fleet of cyborgs stationed around the globe and, basically, the Highlander!
In the comic, I found references to Ra's al-Ghul (Lazarus pits, Ubu) and STAR WARS: Dark Empire (cloning facilities for the Emperor). Any more geek references I missed?
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:28 pm
I believe the phrase is "Gone but not forgotten."
Also, I'd like to point out that I'm not a democrat and I'm still in on it.
January 24th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Oh wait, I just remembered Vandal Savage from the blog that came with the comic. He was friends with, if not WAS, many of history's greatest conquerors and madmen.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vandal_Savage
January 25th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Hmm, too bad they can't do this with Teddy. Him being brain dead and all.
January 27th, 2009 at 2:24 am
Simply brilliant. First time here and I shall be returning often.