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April 30th, 2008

Overruled. I’m going to allow this.

I’ll tell you why Wesley Snipes isn’t going to do hard time for dodging millions in past due taxes. He’s half vampire. The Daywalker isn’t going to prison. He’ll snap the necks of every cop, judge, bailiff and guard between him and the cell, and he’ll do it with his feet. You know why? Because he’d still be in cuffs. Badass. At some point he’d use the cuffs to decapitate a stenographer then, with no running start, he’d jump through a 2 feet window 20 feet up and vanish. They’d never find him again… unless he wanted them to. Ya’ know, for vengeance.

An alternate ending to this comic would be a “My Cousin Vinny” moment where Josh explains that Wesley couldn’t be guilty of starring in “Blade: Trinity” because he was getting high in his trailer the whole time, and accusing everyone of being racist. He’d show proof that for 75% of the movie, Blade is portrayed by a stunt double with Snipes’ head CG pasted over his own. True story. Look it up.

I don’t personally think Americans should be required to pay as much of our income to the government as we do. Especially considering how frivolously and on what it is spent. But I do know that if I don’t pay my taxes, there will be consequences. But Wesley Snipes lives in a world (an “underworld”) of swords, fangs and leather body armor. Why should he be subjected to the laws of man?

I really wanted to do a comic where the IRS try and strike an uneasy truce with Snipes to help them hunt down the mutated IRS agent that can unhinge his jaw sideways and who feeds on other IRS agents. Actually you could just watch “Blade 2” and pretend all the vamps are with the IRS. Come to think of it… just watch “Blade 2.”

Tags: blade, celebrities, comic books, courtroom, movies, vampires, wesley snipes

Tags: blade, celebrities, comic books, courtroom, movies, vampires, wesley snipes

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 at 12:45 pm and is filed under Comics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

mikey5538
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

There's a typo for "objection!"

beaglej5541
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

I had the biggest crush on Stephen Dorf for so long, until I saw some of his other work. Kind of like how Viggo Mortensen was all rough 'n' sexy in LOTR, but in every other movie I've seen him in, he's absolutely hideous — Viggo only looks good with a 2-day beard, and Stephen only looks good with fangs.

Also, I never bothered watching Blade 3 because nothing Jessical Biel has ever touched was worth watching, except for the parts where she is not wearing clothes. That's really her best acting skill, being naked.

aj5558
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

I totally second the Stephen Dorff crush! He was such a sexy, broody mofo

You know, you totally could've interjected some Phoenix Wright-style melodramatic sweeping accusatory pointing.

And how can Josh disavow knowledge of Blade: Trinity? Bad as that movie was (bad as in bad, not bad as in good), it had a half-naked Ryan Reynolds in it! Can you say "oh yes, absolutely yums"?

fraktruck8125
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

I agree…Blade(s) 1 and 2 were pretty good. My friends and I in college watched 3 to make fun of it much like we did every other week with a different Steven Segal movie

Kristian
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Amen to that. My thoughts EXACTLY. No self respecting gay man could block that image from their mind. *homer simpson voice* Ryan Reynolds mmmmmmmmmmm

sean5359
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Ever since you outed Josh to us a few weeks ago, virtually every panel featuring him seems somewhat homoerotic. Like in panel 1 and 5 here. Or maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there. Paging Dr. Freud…

troy6626
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Meh, I watched Blade the Tres, it was all right. I didn't really expect a whole lot out of it, probably because I don't go to vampire movies to see anything but mindless violence and fun, and it pretty much had that (and the aforementioned half-naked Ryan Reynolds, rawr). I mean, wasn't the villian in the first blade trying to trigger something where like everyone in the world would become a vampire? (BRB) Ok, I just checked the script for Blade, and it's kind of ambiguous. The Blood Tide, aka LaMagra, the thing Frost turns into, is described in several ways, one of which is said that all who feel it's taint will succumb to the Thirst. I always took that to mean that everyone would become a vampire, but doesn't that kind of, well, kill vampires when there's no food left?

Oh well, good comic as always!

dram10661
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Gotta love B2, easily the best in the series. Only a handful of good moments in Trinity… and so many shitty ones. You have to love the interrogation scenes in that movie…. "cock juggling thunder cunt" was inspired. Also, I add my vote for Ryan Reynolds as national sexy freak.

John Darc
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

what is this outed you speak of? Josh has always been gay, and it's always been sorta clear to us. I guess you meant the Fancy Bastards comic.

ellecee9105
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

I was so expecting the PW "Objection!" to be just around the next panel but it never came. I don't even play those games, but my former roommate had that sound clip set up as her alert for whenever she received a new AIM message and it is forever implanted in my subconscious. Please, some one make it stop.

I saw Demolition Man! He's just gonna learn karate and escape prison anyway.

aaron6928
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Aside from all the wrestling nonsense and lackluster CGI in the first film I enjoyed most of the Blade series. Trinity was by far the weakest entry but it isn't the worst thing to watch on a drunken Friday night. Especially when put up against other crappy comic movies like Elektra or both Fantastic Four movies.

mysterioust5403
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

blade is good when poundin some brewskies. You can even play a drinking game where you drink every time Westly's blackness frightens you. (I was drunk in 5 seconds.)

hijinksensu5337
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Dont EVER watch it. You'll get to save the piece of humanity i lost.

Ill leave PW jokes to the 10,000 gaming comics that have already done them. That movie could have been 3 hours of Ryan Reynolds cornholing jessica biel and it would have still been beyond repair.

Despite his wince inducing dialog?

Steven Segal was always a douche, but now he's a parody of his former doucheness.

I agree with John Darc, in that Josh was always gay. Some of you didnt know it, but I did so he should be the same as he's ever been. Check the archives and I bet you notice it more. As for there being "more gay" in recent comics, its probably just more perceptible now that you are conscious of it.

Blade was dope. Blade 2 somehow improved upon the orignals' dopeness by making it super dope. 3 extinguished all previous dopeness.

if all movies were judged by how well vampires exploded in them, Blade 2 would be Citizen Kane.

I might take shit for this, but FF1 was better than Blade 3. Better is hard to say because that implies it was good at all (which it wasn't). PEOPLE IN BLADE 3 FALL OVER BEFORE THE PUNCHES ARE THROWN! ITS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

doug5364
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

It's not his *dialog* we're paying attention to!

Trust us, we've seen porn. Dialog is completely secondary.

Chad
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Whenever I hear about Wesley Snipes, I think of Wesley Willis.

"I whooped Batman's ass!"

I thought it was pretty clear early on:
http://hijinksensue.com/2007/07/19/this-would-mak...
I so very much love that comic.

Sometimes, not even octonary.

the straight to DvD movies should be invaulable parts of Eli's library
with highlights like

throwing katana's
children's hospitals with going out of business signs
Fat ugly Segal married to hot women
his religious phases…
etc

Yeah, I actually agree that it's all a matter of perception. The key word in my comment was "seems", which I probably should have been clearer about. To answer Darc's question, yes I was referring to the FB comic, and no, it wasn't clear to me. I never noticed one way or the other, which, according to Joel's explanation, was the whole idea. It was never important to a storyline, so why mention it? Very recently, it became a plot point, and is central to the birth of the "Fancy Bastards" moniker, so it's temporarily in the front of my mind, and "noticeable" even in places where there's no reason for it to be.

Same as if a comic mentioned that Eli has a superhero alter ego (which may very well be true). For a while, every time Eli looked at the top of the panel, my mind would draw the conclusion that he was keeping watch for his version of the Bat Signal.

Much clearer now, right?……….RIGHT? *sigh* never mind.

histumness9145
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

This strip reminded me of my favorite episode of animated Clerks. With the Honorable Judge Reinhold. If you haven't seen it I would highly recommended it, but what the hell am I saying? I'm sure you've seen it.

I personally saw it in the Big Brother cosplay one (I'm feeling too lazy to link to it right now) where Joel says that Josh's Kratos costume was findable by search engine keywords "cosgay" and "gaytos".

I wouldn't say "better", I'd say "less bad". It's like saying the Atlantic Ocean is slightly less wet than the Pacific.

eddie10331
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

So in Marvel Comics Presents this week, Blade is featured in one of the stories, and the entire time the protagonist is in the room with him, she calls him "Wesley". And he gets pissed.

And I giggled like a schoolgirl.

flanked8257
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

"…hunt down the mutated IRS agent that can unhinge his jaw sideways and who feeds on other IRS agents. Actually you could just watch 'Blade 2' and pretend all the vamps are with the IRS. Come to think of it… just watch 'Blade 2.'"

This point is moot; IRS agents CAN unhinge their jaws and DO feed on the living.

jonny_ace12141
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

yeah, "made of slightly less fail" would work. B3 was so bad my eyes bled.

That's what happens when you let a writer direct an action movie. I still loathe FF more. I'll take people falling to punches that didn't connect over Electro Doom and foam Thing any day. Both of them are pretty terrible regardless, hence the drunkeness if I view either of them.

Which one has a children's hospital with a going out of business sign? I must see that now.

This isn't related to the comic but I thought I would give a heads up that Iron Man will be doing early showings in certain theaters tonight as early as 8:00pm. It's even better if you live near an AMC because they have $5 tickets for the whole day Mondays – Thursdays so I'm taking my little brother to see the 10:00pm show for only $10.

I could be wrong but I think its "Today You Die"…a true classic

kip14331
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

"Overruled. I’m going to allow this." Isn't that from Legally Blonde?

brandon6664
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Kip.coolpoints–;

Sorry… you brought this upon yourself.

iptydafu8334
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

I thought it was from the court-martial for Zap Brannigan with the judge lady of the same species as Kiff? And that's all she says, no matter what anyone in court is doing.

The first two Blade movies had scope–the whole "unseen empire" business. With ancient clans and all that mess. But the third Blade movie was like, some yuppies are vampires, and then some outcasts live on a boat and give them shit about it. And then Blade shows up and looks like the angry black guy in all of the yearbook pictures. And then some people get trapped in a big zip-loc bag. Oh yeah, and then Ryan Reynolds drops his pants and mushes his junk all over the lens. Oh yeah, and Parker Posey. You can't lose with Parker Posey.

harlo8514
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Parker Lewis Can't Lose, but Parker Posey can at least tie or put up a valiant effort.

tankobite7649
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Yeah, I agree with this; going back over the old archives you definitely notice it (I'm thinking the Dumbledore part is pretty obvious) but even in other places it just makes things make more sense.

Just Google "Kratos" and Josh's pic is right there.

john_darc6624
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

couldnt wesley have just said "toobelcane" to the judge?

Despite that its a courtroom drama cliche, DING DING DING! That is exactly what I was thinking of when i wrote that title.

"Im going to allow this" was the judges reply to basically every crazy ass thing in that trial. Hyper-chickens indeed.

Like I said, to find it was more proactive than I was feeling ATM. :p

That's going into my Netflix queue tonight.

alex_holden5721
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

Then the IRS will have to defrost Judge Dredd to catch him.

deanhatescoffee
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

I've ONLY seen Blade Trinity. It was OK, but certainly not nearly as awesome as IRON MAN IS GOING TO BE BECAUSE IT IS MADE OF WIN AND UNICORN BLOOD AND IT COMES OUT TONIGHT ZOMG! I'm a little excited, excuse me.

Sorry, I wasn't commenting on your not finding the link–just noting that, in addition to our beloved hijinksensue.com, Josh is easily stalkable…er…findable on Google.

Holy shit – the art style in that one is so much different than today's comic. Evolution rules.

Except Harold Crick.

Don't it, though?

But if you haven't gone through all the older hijinks, it's definitely worth it–many LOLs to be had.

Joel's ultra-sly expression in the last panel is great. And I'm enjoying the cutaway-pupils-to-show-highlights in panel 2 here. I see you did that in the last comic, too. Is that the first time you've done that?

Heh… no worries.

Meh fantastic four vs blade? Try Jessica Alba vs. ummmm…. that chick that was in blade trinity.

I would have expected joel to say at the last second Ladies?

ginryu8101
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

"Big American Party. Everybody disco dancing. " Love that show. Seems like all my fav. shows get canceled. I really want them to make that animated movie. >_<

Who is driving car? Bear is driving?! How can that be!?
Haha, yeah those are all from the courtroom episode. That whole short-lived series was good but that episode was hands-down the best one. I guess that's what intoxicated the ABC execs to air it first, then follow up with the ONLY episode in the series that didn't make sense if you didn't watch the actual pilot. God I hate TV execs…

josh5363
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

…..

*crickets*

bobo_t_bagg7852
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

All I have to say is, "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place". I wasn't watching it for the superb acting or plot lines, that's for sure, heh.

Josh is the only one that fits in the costume. He wears it every Thursday.

I watched Terminator enthusiastically and Im glad they got a 2nd season. Too bad the strike precluded them from actually ending this season.

jay_of_hei16151
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

That mic looks like a good reproduction of the Shure SM57, I say well done! Jesus I'm such a nerd.

Where does Blade: The Series fit into the scheme of things? I never bothered to watch it, and just saw the DVD box set of the whole series at Best Buy. Somehow I don't think it was a Firefly repeat (great show that got no chance to shine), but I could be wrong? Instead, I picked up Seasons 6 &7 of Buffy for $20 each (now I need to wait til they do the same for 3-5) and Frisky Dingo for a birthday present.

farris8328
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

My head still hurts from the time he headbutted me. RIP, Wes.

Go back and watch 1 and 2. Also get Trinity surgically removed from you brain.

Captain Tight Pants was in that.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

No, you got it right on. I never addressed ANYONE's sexuality because that really has nothing to do with the jokes I am trying to tell. In the same way that we dont sit around and say, "what do the straights think of last nights BSG… ok what to the gays think?"

Its irrelovant unless you are talking abot sex, which isnt really what this comic is about (unless it is..)

Some of the gay readers emailed me early on with similar questions and I gave them pretty much the same answer. You dont introduce your friends as, "This is Ted and he's straight." When it comes up it comes up. In the same way that you casually learn someone's interests in comics and TV, you also learn more about their sexuality through getting to know them as a person.

Many of you guys are staring to get a good feel for who the characters are (or who they represent) and thus more personality traits will become evident.

I still havent outed Eli as a Mexican. Waiting for the right time on that. I dont want his parents to find this site and learn before he's ready to tell them.

HAhAH! That one has so little to do with being gay and SO MUCH to do with being Josh.

Its like hyper evolution since it changes basically every 2 weeks.

Everythign I heard about the series was that it was total shit. I wathed part of the pilot and turned it off after 20 min or so.

Exactly, where as FF only gave me gas.

Yeah he gave me a pretty decent head butt, then urged me to buy one of his CD's. I bought a shirt instead but it was RELLY long and I never wore it.

Suck a camel's dick in heaven, Wesley.

I have, and that reminds me of Judge Reinhold on Arrested Development as "Mock Trial with J. Reinhold."

thats too meta.

I loved that dude with all the crap he could pull out of his jacket. Then the big dumb guy went to act on ER.

Ive only done it a few times and only in close ups. Expressions are so freaking hard. you have no idea. I rarely capture the exact look Im going for, and I think I use the same expressions too much. Check the early archives and youll see a lot of "one eyebrow raised."

That was certainly the intent. Whos the bigger nerd? Me for drawing it or you for noticing? Im always picky about equipment (computers, TV's, guitars, video games) in comics. Ill pretty much always draw them with the right parts, cables, etc. its a bit of an obsession.

Either way, it was great. Who keeps the doll, or do you pass it around every so often?

Yeah, I didn't have high hopes for it. Though Terminator:TSCC turned out not to be all that bad of a translation of the movie canon (assuming you ignore T3:RoTMs) into a decent enough TV series. Plus it has River in it, so that rocks right there.

Whiskey
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

If you squint, Underworld 1 and 2 are the sequels to Blade II

They do both have the "secret vampire high society" thing going on. Good observation.

Overruled. I’m going to allow this.

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Overruled. I’m going to allow this.

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