COMIC & BLOG
iTUNES FEED
EMAIL JOEL
Tom Cruise could defeat a Balrog
I think I’ve pretty much said my piece on Tom Cruise, so I will dispense with any additional rant and simply continue with the story of how he remembers saving New York city on September 11th, 2001.
I’m really having fun exploring the idea that Tom Cruise has basically every magical or super power and can recall them at will. I also like establishing that he is simultaneously an ageless wizard, a crime fighter, a Christ figure and a douche barrel of inordinate magnitude.
I realized when writing this story that I was going to have to account for where the towers went (because even Tom knows they aren’t there any more). In an earlier draft Tom Cruise lets out a Banshee-like wail and reduces the towers to rubble himself. He does this to remove the temptation for future terrorist attacks. He was also going to slide into NY on an ice bridge a la Iceman, but there are only so many panels. And, really, you can’t get any more pimp than a giant eagle. You pull up to a club in a magical eagle and they let you right in. Oh, and I realize in panel 3 Tom Cruise would have to be like 40 ft tall to be proportionate to the plane. That’s not a mistake. He’s just that powerful.
Tags: celebrities, scientology, tom cruise
Related posts
January 28th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Hate to be the spelling nazi, but it’s renowned, not renound.
Love the site, love the comic, hope you don’t hate me for pointing that out.
January 28th, 2008 at 2:05 am
Sorry, I was using the Scientological spelling. I don’t hate. I simply bottle up my aggression until I punch a baby or something.
Thanks for reading!
January 28th, 2008 at 6:08 am
Man, I thought life couldn’t get any better after i read panel 2.
and then i read panel 3.
January 28th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Not to propagate unproven rumors (despite the fact that is indeed what I’m doing) have you heard the theory that Holmes didn’t have Tom’s child, that it’s actually from the frozen sperm of E.R.H.?
If you had mentioned this to me 2 years ago, I would have laughed at you and asked where you left your tin foil hat. But now…… I actually give this theory some thought.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Lee, glad you got a kick out of it.
On a side note, I had heard about the shitcocks of WBC picketing Heath Ledger’s funeral but I hadn’t seen the actual flyer (hate release?) until I looked at your site. It has to rot you from the inside out to be THAT filled with aimless hate. I bet its like an addiction for them. No matter how much hate and anger they consume, the desperate pit inside them just gets deeper.
That was depressing.
YAY! FUNNY COMICS! YAYAAYAYAYAYAY!
January 28th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Would not surprise me in the least. The joke’s going to be on Tom when he doesn’t get a messiah but rather a clone of a shitty scifi writer.
There whole relationship always smelled of PR stunt to me. They seem incredibly uncomfortable together. Im sure Katie realized that her acting career probably wouldnt survive the Dawson’s Creek stigma, so when Tom’s lawyer’s presented her with the proposal it made a lot of sense.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Animated Version
January 28th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Dude, that kills me. Formidable LULZ, indeed.
I haven’t fixed the typo in panel 3 (intecepted) yet, so it made it into your animation. Im so ashamed.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Oh shit! Tom on Gwynalfmir! I can’t decide if Part 1 or Part 2 is funnier. Great stuff, regardless!
January 28th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I’ll see how hard it’ll be for me to fix that.
It’s already fixed on the <40K 100×100 Livejournal version.
January 28th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Large version, with typo corrected. I’m about to post them to my LJ now (click my name).
January 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Will the last strip involve Tom saving the Pentagon?
January 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am
For some reason this jars loose a memory of my mother watching Tom Cruise on the old Rosie O’Donnel show. I recall confusing the hell out of my dear mum by telling her how Rosie’s audioclip of “Tommy can you hear me” was not so much creepy in a stalkerish pretend-she-isn’t-a-lesbian way, but that it was creepy in the deaf-dumb-and-blind-kid wannabee wacked out new age messiah way.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Very cool!
January 28th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I like to think they compliment each other in insanity.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
The newscaster looks like one of the guys from Celebrity Deathmatch.
Also, I think I’ve seen his staff before. What’s it from?
Great comic br0, keep up the good work.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
It’s a possibility. I know for a fact theres going to be a giant floating head.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
She should have used the song about Tommy’s “wicked uncle that liked to fiddle about.”
January 28th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I think that song was scariest when Phil Collins sang it with his trousers around his ankles…
January 28th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
OMG! That WAS Phil Phucking Collins!
Oh, I just went into a coma.
A coma where I can still type.
January 28th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Ok, I am not even kidding. I had this image in my head when I drew that guy and I’ve been staring at it all day wondering who it was.
Its the Celebrity Deathmatch guy!
BINGBINGBINGBING! You win. I can be at peace now.
January 28th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
There’s just something about this that forced me to share it
January 28th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/01/28/tom-cat-unmasked/
I can haz no embedded videos.
January 28th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Awesome. I want to make you mad. I know this baby that’s a total asshole and needs a good punch or two. But I’m not man enough to dish it out.
January 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
That’s not the only rumor regarding baby Suri. It’s rumored that some in the church of Scientology think Suri is LRH reincarnated. They believe in reincarnation, that’s a fact, but this rumor? Who knows? I like to think it’s true, though.
January 28th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Storvik-
I could only hope to be as cool as you. How freaking awesome.
January 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
God Bless America and Tom Cruise!
January 29th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I want a t-shirt that has the pic of Tom Cruise from the third panel of Pt 1 that says “God had nothing to do with it. Just thank Tom Cruise.” written around it, with an American flag in the background and maybe some extra flair, like an eagle clutching a baby in its talons, or something. MAKE IT SO, JOEL! PLEEEEEEEEEASE?!
Now that I think about it, maybe that eagle thing would be better on its own shirt…
“Oh, and I realize in panel 3 Tom Cruise would have to be like 40 ft tall to be proportionate to the plane. That’s not a mistake. He’s just that powerful.” LMAO
January 29th, 2008 at 10:00 am
I’m so confused… link plz?
January 29th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Storvik, your animated GIFs are nothing short of awesome. I really like the blending/light special effects.
January 29th, 2008 at 10:02 am
http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j241/veronicametcalf/Phil%20and%20Genesis/25-1989-10TommywithTheWho-PhilisUnc.jpg
January 29th, 2008 at 10:03 am
That might make a cool ending for Pt 3 – Tom Cruise (with fellow Scientology brethren) holding Suri on a cliff ala Lion King.
January 29th, 2008 at 10:16 am
ewww. Is there piss on his drawers.
January 29th, 2008 at 10:42 am
*barf*
Is there a video of this somewhere in the intertubes? (I’m a glutton for punishment.)
January 29th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I didn’t see one on YouTube.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Maybe a desktop.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I salute his portrait every morning.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Dean-
To steal from Joel’s earlier post, OH EM GEE. That idea blew my mind.
February 17th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Just added “douche barrel” to UrbanDictionary.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Step 2: Call up Miriam Webster and add it to THE dictionary.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Where is the podcast?
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/118/cruise2ar6...rel=”nofollow”>Animated Version
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
OMG! That WAS Phil Phucking Collins!
Oh, I just went into a coma.
A coma where I can still type.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/01/28/tom-cat-...
I can haz no embedded videos.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Storvik-
I could only hope to be as cool as you. How freaking awesome.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I want a t-shirt that has the pic of Tom Cruise from the third panel of Pt 1 that says “God had nothing to do with it. Just thank Tom Cruise.” written around it, with an American flag in the background and maybe some extra flair, like an eagle clutching a baby in its talons, or something. MAKE IT SO, JOEL! PLEEEEEEEEEASE?!
Now that I think about it, maybe that eagle thing would be better on its own shirt…
“Oh, and I realize in panel 3 Tom Cruise would have to be like 40 ft tall to be proportionate to the plane. That’s not a mistake. He’s just that powerful.” LMAO
February 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j241/veronicame...